5 most unsexy video game sex scenes

Wocka-chicka, bow-wow.

Tarryn van der BylSeptember 6, 2012

While everybody’s been talking about whether or not No Reply Games’ Seduce Me belongs on Steam (or anywhere else, for that matter), we’ve apparently all forgotten that plenty of mainstream games already feature sexual content. Maybe that’s just part of the memory repression process, though, because if there’s one thing games just aren’t getting right, it’s sex.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

So, technically, the infamous Hot Coffee scene didn’t actually make it into the final game, but I’m guessing it wasn’t because the content was deemed too racy, but because it was so absolutely horrible.

During the game, protagonist CJ could meet and woo up to six potential girlfriends by completing a series of so-called “date missions” and incrementing his relationship scores until he’s invited in for *nudge-nudge* coffee. Just like real life, really, or at least up until the part when CJ and his lady-companion are on the bed. Then it’s like one of those drawings on the desk in my grade 9 geography class.

Also, it looks like he’s screaming in terror. That’s definitely more of a third date thing. Totally unbelievable, and ruins the immersion instantly. 0/10.

Dante’s Inferno

After battling a lusty, busty she-demon, Dante gets his chance to cop a feel just before stabbing her to death (very NSFW!). And it looks like she’s into it.

Oh man, if Beatrice finds out about this, I’m sleeping on the couch.

LittleBigPlanet

An old Chinese proverb says, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” In contemporary terms, it’s more like “Give a man an in-game toolset, and he’ll make a sex simulator. That’s basically it.”

There are plenty of (self-ab)user-created LittleBigPlanet sex machines, but this one (very NSFW!) and this one (very NSFW!) must be among the most, uh, interesting. That’s “interesting” in the “interesting that you have absolutely no idea how this is supposed to work” sort of way.

WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

Mass Effect 2

Every sex scene in the whole series was irredeemably awful, but Garrus just wasn’t built for this stuff. I mean, his mouth looks like it’s made out of seashells or something, and he’s so… spiky. We’re looking at the very real possibility of grievous bodily harm here. But the worst thing about this sequence is how a few clumsy comments about Commander FemShep’s hair and waistline result in a “Consider me seduced, smooth talker” (seriously?), and a cut to the two of them lying in post-coital bliss. Fully clothed. Garrus didn’t even remove his eye-piece. Clearly some major recalibration is in order here.

Heavy Rain

KISS! DON’T KISS! PUSH LEFT FOR MORE TONGUE! PUSH R1 TO UNHOOK BRA! Yes, these are the big moments in any sexual encounter dreamed up by some sweaty pre-adolescent who’s suddenly realised that girls aren’t as gross as he used to think. It might’ve been better with PS Move support, but probably not.