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10 Sure Fire Ways to not Get Laid

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This is to fill out some of the finer details in the Column
By Chris Kemp

10 Sure Fire Ways to not Get Laid
This is a printer friendly checklist of actions that are sure to prevent you from getting laid, contrary to popular gaming culture myth. Learn these simple-to-follow rules to avoid the minefield that will lead to you not getting any.

  • Never (And I do mean NEVER) take a girl you think you might be into on a first date to a place where everyone knows you by your online alias, and who insist on calling you by that alias.

You can only get away with lying about your middle name being DeathBringer 57 for so long

  • Never suggest that instead of dinner and a movie (a rather common date scenario) you and the intended mother of your chil … female companion, should go to an internet cafe instead to PWN NOOBS.

I cannot warn against this suggestion in a stern enough manner, but rest assured you can be confident that the only underwear you will be seeing is your own as you slip on your Nesquik pajamas and softly cry yourself to sleep, alone.

  • Never list your KDR as a character trait.

Do I really need to explain why this has a negative effect on the opposite gender?

  • Never talk about a clan match as if you were in a real combat situation
  • This includes statements like “I saw the pain in his eyes as he bled out in my arms”

I know some of you have done this.... don't

  • Ensure that the first thing out of your mouth sounds nothing like “Boobies, I like them.”

We know that you belong to a social group that probably thinks asking her if she would like to see your scabbard of 8-inch is a widely accepted term, but trust in the knowledge that this type of attitude only leads to lonely nights reading the latest Cosmo in the hopes of seeing a lingerie add.

  • If you absolutely MUST talk during your night out, try to imagine that every time you mention anything even remotely connected to WOW as a Minus 1 penalty to your overall Charisma

No one likes hearing about the time you tanked 50 000 damage points while being buffed by two other guys, in fact, come to think of it I feel dirty just typing that sentence

  • Avoid using internet terminology in real life conversations. This includes saying LOL, Noob and PWNT

1337 is not known as the language of love

  • Do not, if meeting up with your friends, force her to speak to the guy in your group that has all of the social skills of a potted fern, specifically if he is going to tell her about the time you TK'd a guy by hitting him repeatedly with the scope of your AWP.

Contrary to popular belief, and even if you think it sounds like a good idea, forcing her to speak to someone even more socially awkward than you is not going to make you look any better, the only thing that this will cause is the fear that she is likely to either get forced into an elf costume or into “playing” a 5 on 1 clutch round before the night is over.

  • If you manage to beat all the odds and actually get her to undress at some stage of the evening without the use of sedatives or narcotics, do not state that you only “play” if your clan mates are on TS with you

Sigh …

  • If you manage to avoid the common mistake of no 9 Above, do not, by any means, after getting undressed say “ZERGLING RUSH !”

Nothing shuts down an evening faster than this single sentence, go ahead ask any Diamond League SC player

As a bonus

  • Never Say that you are in Bravado
  • (I'm kidding guys, I'm sure that you are all chick magnets with no equals amongst mortal men.)

If you consistently find yourself missing some of the key elements in this checklist, do not despair, there is hope.

Lead with:

“Excuse me, does this smell like Chloroform?”
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  1. sycogrim's Avatar
    I have an issue with item number 1 on the agenda... I cannot go anywhere without people calling me by my online alias, it just sounds so much better than my name I guess
  2. Subversion's Avatar
    Hahaha, gj Xero
  3. James's Avatar
    I lol'd
  4. C-MAN's Avatar
    bwhaha love the Bonus
  5. Nakedwooki's Avatar
    I approve this message!! But that is some seriously funny but true stuff right their