the JOKE thread

WARNING CRUDE!!!
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Whats the difference between Jam and marmalade?






I cant marmelade my **** in your moms *** now can i?
 
Hope I got this right ...........


So there's two Irishmen named Paddy and Fitzpatrick and they're a real pair of boozehounds. One day, Paddy tells Fitzy that he's come up with an ingenious plan to never have to pay for a drink again.

"So out with then Paddy" says Fitzy
"Right boyo, this is what we do. We'll buy a salami with our last money and then head into a pub right. Then, when we've had our fill, I'll whip the salami out my pants, you jump off the barstool and proceed to give me what will look like a BJ. The barman gets angry and throws us out and bingo, we haven't paid for the drinks" says Paddy
"Oh Paddy, that's real clever that is, let's get going" says Fitzy

So off they go to put their plan into action. They sit at O'Malleys for 3 hours drinking when suddenly Paddy whips out the sausage and Fitzy gets down to business. The barman promply chucks them out and off they go thinking how good the next few weeks is going to be. Months pass with the same results and life for the drunkards seems awesome. Then one day Fitzy asks Paddy,

"Mate, do you think we can maybe do a change where I use the salami and you get down on your knees?"
"Why Fitzy, we've got a good thing going" says Paddy
"Well, it just that my knees are shot from always jumping to the floor" says Fitzy
So Paddy says, "You think you have something to complain about, I lost the damn salami weeks ago!"
Click to expand...
 
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f####r."
 
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy
To the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
Other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Discovery will only pay for these expensive tests
One time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Discovery recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle
Of town - If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.’
 
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
 
lol...

****************

Gauteng Metro policeman pulled Sipho's car over and told him that
because he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won R5 000, in an
Arrive Alive safety competition.
Sipho could hardly believe his luck.
"What are you going to do with your cash?" asked the traffic cop.
"Well I guess I'm going to get a drivers license," Sipho answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled Dipuo in the passenger seat.
"He tries to be smart when he's drunk."

This woke up Rodger in the back seat who took one look at the cop and
moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Zakes' voice said,
"Are we over the border yet?"

The cop fainted.
 
vir die afrikaanse folks...

Koos, Mike en Kallie word deur spietkops by 'n groot
winkelsentrum in Benoni afgetrek.
Spietkop: OK, guys, het julle 'n idéé hoe vinnig julle gery
het?
Hulle: G'n idee nie - maar jy gaan ons sê!
Spietkop: So vinnig dat julle elkeen 'n spoedkaartjie gaan
kry! (Hy haal sy boekie uit.) Wat is jou naam?
Koos kyk rond en sien 'n Woolworths-reklamebord daar naby: "My
naam is William Woolworth," sê Koos.
Kallie snap dit dadelik, kyk rond en sien Edgars. "My naam is
Eddie Edgars!"
Kallie en Koos kyk benoud na Mike en hoop dat hy verstaan wat
hulle gedoen het.
"En jy?" vra die spietkop kwaai.
"My naam is Ken!"
"Ja, maar wat is jou volle name?"
Mike sê selfversekerd: "My naam is Ken, en my van is Takkie
Fraaid Tjieken!"
 
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford Buck's 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."
 
HANDsolo said:
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford Buck's 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."
Click to expand...

I will never ever be able to help someone who's choking ever again after I've read this...
 
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,

'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'

He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? '

The wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."
 
A guy has a horny parrot.
It's terrible.
Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm.

He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things.

Finally he takes the parrot to a vet. The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a very h@rny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for 200 bucks your bird can go in the cage with mine.."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What the fuck are you waiting for!?"

Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the 200 bucks.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird and closes the curtain.

Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out. The vet screams, "Holy sh!t," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers, saying, "For 200 fucking bucks, I want you naked, bitch. Naked!"
 
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A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
 
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