the JOKE thread

Got this today... Sorry, but only have it as pictures

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n Boer raak vreeslik kwaad vir een van sy plaaswerkers, en is sommer lus en
klap hom onderstebo.

Sy vrou sê, hy moet hom nie so vererg vir die werker nie, hy moet eerder
oor die saak bid.

Die aand loop sy vrou verby hulle kamer, en hoor hoe die boer bid: "Vader,
en in verband met Johannes, gaan U hom kom haal, of moet ek hom vir U
stuur?"
 
Strategist01 said:
What's worse than finding six dead babies in a trash can?

{answer in white}

Finding one baby in six trash cans!


Here's another one:

A bergie walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a toothpick.
The bartender says no, and that the bergie should get lost. The bergie replies that no, he won't get lost until the bartender gives him a toothpick.
The bartender agrees and gives him a toothpick. The bergie gets lost.

Then another bergie walks in, and asks for a toothpick. The bartender says no, get lost. The bergie replies that he won't get lost until the bartender gives him a toothpick. The bartender agrees, and gives him a toothpick. The bergie gets lost.

Then a third bergie walks into the bar and asks, "Can I have a straw?"
The bartender says, " Why can't you have a toothpick like the rest of your friends?"
The bergie replies, "Well, you see, someone vomited on the pavement outside and all of the lumpy bits have been taken."

Pretty groos, eh? That's all I have for now!
Click to expand...
Yeah wow yeah. That's quite disturbing.
 
Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses, the doc said "ok, ok ... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."
 
lordvushu said:
Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses, the doc said "ok, ok ... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."
Click to expand...

It should be a sign of caution that I'm dying of laughter xD
 
Hi Bob,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs,if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up, she goes out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.

When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket
 
PorkChop said:
Barney is a dinosaur of our imagination,

Stuck he's finger up he's bum and dead of constipation
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OH... MY.... GOD!!!!! That has to be either the funniest joke ever or that last bit of hope for humanity that I've been clinging to, desperately, for so long has departed taking my sanity with it and causing what can only be described as psychotic/maniacal laughter that would make children cry for their mommies....

crazy_laugh.jpg


Also Barney the Dinosaur is a purple T-Rex like Dinosaur with arms shorter than most male productive organs (See Exhibit A) he couldn't scratch his ass if his imaginary life depended on it let so the chances of him "Sticking his finger up his bum" are about the same as me ever taking your seriously, EVER, if I lived for a Billion Years.

Exhibit A:
barney-the-dinosaur.jpeg
 
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So a guy walks into a bar om the 47Th floor of a building, he goes to the bartenter and gets smash'd, he stands up from the bar
And spots 2 equally drunk men and joins them at there table
He offers them $2000 if they can jump out the window and live they decline so he says he'll show them how
He makes a run for the window and jumps and unbelievebly makes it now without a scracth he goes back up to the 47th floor and the two drunk men ask him how he did that "there's a air-conditioning vent just under the window and it will make you land safely on the ground, the two men look at each other and make a run for the window and jump, falling to there bloody death, the bartender sees all this and says "you know you can be a real basterd when your drunk superman"
 
Saint_Dee said:
xD I think he was trying to make it fit in with the old "Barney is a dinosaur" tune...
Click to expand...

So the joke is that he is a little on the soft in the head? Surely "he's" and "his" would not really change tune since its in the middle of the "sentence" (if you want to call that jumbled pile of words a sentence). While what I know of poetry could probably kill a horse or emotionally scare a generation Im pretty sure you only need the end of the phrase to rhyme, so imagination and constipation, which does rhyme keeps the tune, at least poor pork chop got that right...
 
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OmegaFenix said:
OH... MY.... GOD!!!!! That has to be either the funniest joke ever or that last bit of hope for humanity that I've been clinging to, desperately, for so long has departed taking my sanity with it and causing what can only be described as psychotic/maniacal laughter that would make children cry for their mommies....

crazy_laugh.jpg


Also Barney the Dinosaur is a purple T-Rex like Dinosaur with arms shorter than most male productive organs (See Exhibit A) he couldn't scratch his ass if his imaginary life depended on it let so the chances of him "Sticking his finger up his bum" are about the same as me ever taking your seriously, EVER, if I lived for a Billion Years.

Exhibit A:
barney-the-dinosaur.jpeg
Click to expand...

Lmao that's funny
 
PorkChop said:
So a guy walks into a bar om the 47Th floor of a building, he goes to the bartenter and gets smash'd, he stands up from the bar
And spots 2 equally drunk men and joins them at there table
He offers them $2000 if they can jump out the window and live they decline so he says he'll show them how
He makes a run for the window and jumps and unbelievebly makes it now without a scracth he goes back up to the 47th floor and the two drunk men ask him how he did that "there's a air-conditioning vent just under the window and it will make you land safely on the ground, the two men look at each other and make a run for the window and jump, falling to there bloody death, the bartender sees all this and says "you know you can be a real basterd when your drunk superman"
Click to expand...

I've gotta give you an A+ for persistence xD.

OmegaFenix said:
So the joke is that he is a little on the soft in the head? Surely "he's" and "his" would not really change tune since its in the middle of the "sentence" (if you want to call that jumbled pile of words a sentence). While what I know of poetry could probably kill a horse or emotionally scare a generation Im pretty sure you only need the end of the phrase to rhyme, so imagination and constipation, which does rhyme keeps the tune, at least poor pork chop got that right...
Click to expand...

That's just about the only thing... Not that it matters.
 
Saint_Dee said:
I've gotta give you an A+ for persistence xD.
Click to expand...

But a F- for execution.

And a Z for originality....

PorkChop said:
So a guy walks into a bar om the 47Th floor of a building, he goes to the bartenter and gets smash'd, he stands up from the bar
And spots 2 equally drunk men and joins them at there table
He offers them $2000 if they can jump out the window and live they decline so he says he'll show them how
He makes a run for the window and jumps and unbelievebly makes it now without a scracth he goes back up to the 47th floor and the two drunk men ask him how he did that "there's a air-conditioning vent just under the window and it will make you land safely on the ground, the two men look at each other and make a run for the window and jump, falling to there bloody death, the bartender sees all this and says "you know you can be a real basterd when your drunk superman"
Click to expand...

Hmmmmmm....

Pr⊕phet said:
Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire
State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the
second, "You know, the wind currents are so
strong here in NYC that one could step off the
edge of the building and literally float in
mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal
air current."

"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy
to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge
of the building and justs floats in mid-air for
about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of
the building.

The second guy is simply thrilled and says,
"Watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof
into the open air. Of course he falls like a
stone straight down all the way to the waiting
pavement below--SPLAT!

The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire
time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You
know something Superman, sometimes you can be a
real asshole!"
Click to expand...

There appears to be some similarities....
Click to expand...
 
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