the JOKE thread

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.
 
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
 
lol ^

**********

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
 
There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were Discussing
what they would like to be when born and grown up.
The first one said, "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this,
and asked "Why plumber?" He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here,
it's kinda leaky."
The second one said, "I wanna be an electrician." The others laughed at
this and asked "Why an electrician?" He replied, "So I can get some
lights in here, it's dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was
hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "Why in
God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps
coming in here and spitting on us!"
 
Next Life" by Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.
 
wizdumb said:
there were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing
what they would like to be when born and grown up.
The first one said, "i wanna be a plumber." the others laughed at this,
and asked "why plumber?" he replied, "so i can fix the pipes in here,
it's kinda leaky."
the second one said, "i wanna be an electrician." the others laughed at
this and asked "why an electrician?" he replied, "so i can get some
lights in here, it's dark!"
the third one said, "i wanna be a boxer." the others thought this was
hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in
god's name do you want to be a boxer?"

he replied, "so i can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps
coming in here and spitting on us!"
Click to expand...

looooooooooooooooool
 
4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first
one said she wanted to watch the INDY 500. The
second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michels
on WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch
the knitting channel so she can knit some mittens
for the kitchen. The fourth nun said she wanted
to watch the discovery channel on how a baby is
born.

After some dicussion, they all decided to flip
channels every 2 seconds so they can watch the
same things.

This is what is sounded like:
And they're off! They're on top of each other!
In...Out...In...Out...and yes, the baby is
born!
 
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."
 
The new ending to the the 3 little pigs

Wolf says: "Ill huff and ill puff and ill blow your house down"
Pig says: "F-- off! or ill sneeze on u"
 
heres mine for the day :D



Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is
Restricted!
[]

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

[]
New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with
different women.
[]
Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have
to do it again...

[]
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

[]
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

[]
Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you
pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!

[]
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

[]
Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!

[]
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in
Paradise. Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the
bloody apple!
 
WARNING

If you receive an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tinned pork then delete it – it's just spam.
 
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