the JOKE thread

WARNING CRUDE!!!
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Whats the difference between Jam and marmalade?






I cant marmelade my **** in your moms *** now can i?

Hope I got this right ...........

Quote:

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So there's two Irishmen named Paddy and Fitzpatrick and they're a real pair of boozehounds. One day, Paddy tells Fitzy that he's come up with an ingenious plan to never have to pay for a drink again.

"So out with then Paddy" says Fitzy
"Right boyo, this is what we do. We'll buy a salami with our last money and then head into a pub right. Then, when we've had our fill, I'll whip the salami out my pants, you jump off the barstool and proceed to give me what will look like a BJ. The barman gets angry and throws us out and bingo, we haven't paid for the drinks" says Paddy
"Oh Paddy, that's real clever that is, let's get going" says Fitzy

So off they go to put their plan into action. They sit at O'Malleys for 3 hours drinking when suddenly Paddy whips out the sausage and Fitzy gets down to business. The barman promply chucks them out and off they go thinking how good the next few weeks is going to be. Months pass with the same results and life for the drunkards seems awesome. Then one day Fitzy asks Paddy,

"Mate, do you think we can maybe do a change where I use the salami and you get down on your knees?"
"Why Fitzy, we've got a good thing going" says Paddy
"Well, it just that my knees are shot from always jumping to the floor" says Fitzy
So Paddy says, "You think you have something to complain about, I lost the damn salami weeks ago!"

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Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaha
Irishmen jokes are the awesomest :D

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f####r."

Roflmao helixboi, thats hilarious :D

Lol but also very mean

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy
To the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
Other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Discovery will only pay for these expensive tests
One time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Discovery recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle
Of town - If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.’

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

lol...

****************

Gauteng Metro policeman pulled Sipho's car over and told him that
because he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won R5 000, in an
Arrive Alive safety competition.
Sipho could hardly believe his luck.
"What are you going to do with your cash?" asked the traffic cop.
"Well I guess I'm going to get a drivers license," Sipho answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled Dipuo in the passenger seat.
"He tries to be smart when he's drunk."

This woke up Rodger in the back seat who took one look at the cop and
moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Zakes' voice said,
"Are we over the border yet?"

The cop fainted.

Lol @ Dixie and wizdumb