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so if you know a funny joke, or received a cool one, post 'em here.
lets lighten up the day
my last joke email received
**
Zuma: "Julius, what's for lunch?"
Julius: "My Comrade President.....Full chicken, four rolls...bla bla bla from Nandos for only R99.95"
Zuma: Well, take some money from the petty cash"
Julius: It's free My Comrade"
Zuma: "Free? How so?"
Julius: "I went to Nandos and told them it was for you and they should drop the charges!!!"
Looooooooooooooooooooooooooool!
found one of my fav jokes (thx to google) - old one, but still funny
An Italian, an Irishman & a Chinese man are hired to work on a construction site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand & says to the Italian," You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." To the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."
He tells them that he has to go somewhere & when he returns 2 hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched..
"Why didn't you sweep any of it?" he asks the Italian. The Italian replies in a heavy accent," I no gotta broom, an you tella me dat da Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies but he disappear & I no finda him".
The foreman then turns to the Irishman & asks why he didn't shovel. "Aye, well I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies but I couldna find him".
The foreman is furious & storms off looking for the Chinese fellow. He can't find him anywhere & is getting angrier by the minute.
Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand & yells, "Supplies"
Laugh out loud
A rabbit walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "I want a cup of coffee.” The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So the Rabbit leaves, but when he leaves he sees two friends entering the bar so he joins them. His friends ask for a beer and sandwich but the rabbit says "I wanna cup of coffee"
The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So the rabbit leaves again, but he sees two more friends so he joins them in the bar. His friends order a beer and a sandwich but the Rabbit still says, "I want a cup of coffee"
"Look,” says the bartender "we don’t serve coffee here. Now leave or I will nail your ears to the bar!"
So the rabbit leaves, but he yet again sees two more friends and enters the bar.
But this time the rabbit says, "Do you have a hammer?"
"No" replies the bartender
Do you have any nails?"
"No"
"Then I want a cup of coffee"
Quote:
Originally Posted by wizdumb
looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
^ hahaha....
...that joke could be applicable to george w bush
looooooooooooooooooooooooooooool
the wording makes it seems like its a capie joke, but anyways funny and gross at the same time
When I was a young laaitie, making out in the biscope was the
ultimate thing to do. You know, sitting right at the back of the
cinema in a dark corner with one of the hottest honeys in the southern
suburbs, ja hey, life just didn't get any better than that.
On one such evening I managed to get this hotty from Wynberg Girls To
accompany me to the Luxarama (lets face it, the Luxy rikked back then)
and true to my nature we sat right at the back of the Luxy and as soon
as the lights went out we started our vrying session. Now don't get me
wrong, this kind was super hot and she had the softest lips I ever
come
across but there was one thing bothering me, this kind kept on shoving
her bubblegum in my bek while kissing and normally that wouldn't
bother me but the bubblegum had bogerol taste left so it was just
morsig.
So after the third time she shoved it in my bek and I shoved it back
in her's I stopped kissing her and asked her to remove her bubblegum.
When she asked me what bubblegum my moer stripped and told her the
blerrie bubblegum you been shoving in my bek the whole time. She
said:"oh sorry i'm not chewing any bubblegum, I'm just suffering from
a bit of Bronchitis".
What's worse than finding six dead babies in a trash can?
{answer in white}
Finding one baby in six trash cans!
Here's another one:
A bergie walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a toothpick.
The bartender says no, and that the bergie should get lost. The bergie replies that no, he won't get lost until the bartender gives him a toothpick.
The bartender agrees and gives him a toothpick. The bergie gets lost.
Then another bergie walks in, and asks for a toothpick. The bartender says no, get lost. The bergie replies that he won't get lost until the bartender gives him a toothpick. The bartender agrees, and gives him a toothpick. The bergie gets lost.
Then a third bergie walks into the bar and asks, "Can I have a straw?"
The bartender says, " Why can't you have a toothpick like the rest of your friends?"
The bergie replies, "Well, you see, someone vomited on the pavement outside and all of the lumpy bits have been taken."
Pretty groos, eh? That's all I have for now!
lmao...2 nice gross jokes for the morning. good stuff
Ahhh EEUUWWW!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Strategist01
A Boer goes to see an English speaking lawyer in order to start divorce
proceedings.
The lawyer asks him, "May I help you?"
The Boer says, "Ja. I would like to have a divorce."
The lawyer asks him, "Do you have any grounds?"
The Boer says, "Ja. I got 600 hektyres."
The lawyer says, "Sir, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?
The Boer says, "Ja. Of course I got a suit. I wore it to church on
Sundays."
The lawyer says, "Ahmm. No, what I mean sir, is, do you have a case?"
The Boer says proudly, "Now let me tell you, that are not good tractors.
I got two John Deeres."
The lawyer is beginning to sweat. "Sir. Do you have a grudge?"
The Boer's also a bit irritated by now. "Ja. I of course I got a grudge.
That's where I park the bakkie."
The lawyer, sighing, asks, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The Boer says, "No, we both get up at 04:30."
By now the lawyer is getting really frustrated, but tries one last
question. "Does your wife nag? Is she a nagger?"
The Boer says, "No, SHE'S white. But our last child is a nagger. That's
why I wants to get a divorce."
An ancient one but still very capable of bringing a smile -
The Gold Nut.
There once was a guy who was born with a gold nut tightly fastened onto his Johnson.
It interfered with his sex life you see, so all his life was spent looking for ways to get rid of the gold nut.
At last, already well into his twenties, he heard about a sangoma deep in the heart of Africa who might be able to offer some assistance.
So off he went to Africa and after two weeks of searching came upon the sangoma's hut.
He rushed inside and proceeded to tell and show the sangoma his sorry little predicament.
After consulting the Ancestors, the sangoma told the guy he had a cure.
"Go into the forest fifty kilometres west of here and find the fallen baobab tree. Camp there until the full moon rises and when the moon is right above you, you must lie naked against the tree. Be patient and your problem will be solved".
As you can imagine, the guy left straight away for the spot, found it and set up camp.
Three nights later the moon rose full and the guy got naked and lay on the tree.
He waited and waited and finally noticed a golden spanner descending from the sky.
With shock and awe, he watched as the golden spanner proceeded to undo the gold nut from his Johnson and then vanish when the job was done.
So happy was the guy that he couldn't move and he just lay there crying tears of joy.
After his elation subsided enough for him to get a grip, he stood up to leave ... and his arse fell off !
:D
Wanna hear a joke?
Pussy.
Get it?
And you never will.
Thank goodness :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamrock
Two boys are playing cricket on a field in Durban when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his cricket bat and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist,luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Sharks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, "he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Sharks fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Durban, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.
"Western Province Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack ..." he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Western Province fan either!" the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in Durban was either for the Sharks or Western Province." "So what team DO you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Blue Bulls fan!" the child beamed.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little Bastard from Pretoria Kills Beloved Family Pet."
hahahahah
******************
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom, I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They talked to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties; he is in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night...
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ...
except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"
Lmao wizdumb
and a joke my manager just told me when we switched over to the cricket...
...its lame bewarned
what do you call an ausie with 3 sheep
*
*
*
*
*
a pimp
What do you call a sheep tied to a pole in Australia?
-
-
-
A Playstation!
*da dum tish!*
lmao, lame but funny as sh!t still. all ausie jokes are funny imo
So there's these two guys out on a hunting trip. This is what happened:
(guy1 looks up)
Guy1: Did you see it?
guy2: No, I didn't. What was it?
guy1: It was a fish eagle, waaayyy up there! (points upward)
They walk a bit further come to the top of a hill.
(guy1 looks forward at the top of another hill)
guy1: Did you see it?
guy2: No, I didn't. What was it?
guy1: It was a leopard on top of that hill!
guy2: whatever.
(they walk further along, and guy1 looks behind him)
guy1: Did you see it?
guy2: (thouroughly annoyed) YES! I SAW IT!
guy1: Then why did you step in it?
A guy is at work and his girlfriend calls him.
"Tonight's the night," she says. "But before we
have sex, I want you to have dinner with me and
my parents. And before you come over, stop and
pick up some condoms."
The guy stops by the drug store on the way to her
parents' house.
While he's looking at the condom assortment, the
pharmacist comes over.
"Can I help you," he says.
"Well, my girlfriend says tonight's the night.
And I don't know how to choose a condom."
"Well," says the pharmassist, "these are
lubricated, these are textured and these are
regular."
"Give me one of each," says the kid.
That night at dinner with her parents, the
girlfriend asks her boyfriend to say grace.
The boyfriend bows his head and silently prays
and prays and prays.
Finally, the girlfriend says, "Wow, I had no idea
you were so religous."
The boyfriend replies, "I had no idea your father
was a pharmacist."
LOL poor kid.
A kid is on a bus and says to the grumpy bus driver, "If my mommy was a hippo and my daddy was a hippo I'd be a baby hippo. And if my mommy was a zebra and my daddy was a giraffe I'd be a baby zebra-giraffe. And if my mommy was a lion and my daddy was a cheetah I'd be a baby lion-cheatah."
The bus driver, getting annoyed, says "Oh yeah? What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was an asshole?"
The kid replies..."I'd be a bus driver."
Die polisie kry 'n telefoon oproep om hulp.
"Help asseblief, hier het nou net 'n kat deur die venster geklim!"
"Wat bedoel jy, 'n kat?" vra die polisieman.
"'n Kat! 'n Groot kat! ................ Hier kom die kat vir my!"
"Maak jy 'n grap?" vra die polisieman.
"Nee!! Heeelppppppppp!!!
"Met wie praat ek?" vra die polisieman
"Met die papegaai!!!"
A guy is having marital problems. He and the
wife are not communicating at all and he's
lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a
pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in
parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots
he notices one with no feet. Surprised he
mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk
well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well
educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports,
religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was
looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for
maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20
for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months
things go great. When he comes home from work
the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the
parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and
shut the door."
The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you
this, but the mailman came today. Your wife
answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Well, maybe, but then he fondled
her breasts."
The guy says "He did??"
The parrot says "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee
down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on
and fell off my perch."
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Mary, “what do we do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“What shall I do now”? she shouts. “Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary. “Show him your cross”, says Sister Helen.
“Now you're talking,” says Sister Mary. She opens the window and shouts, “Get the fuck off our car!”
lmao, necuna...
...hahaha, rush, i had to read it twice to fully understand (long day, not me being daft ;) )
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an
abandoned gas station. They approached one of
the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed
it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. There was no
response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be
the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray
gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this
way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you
musn't anger him!", but before he finished his
warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them
200 meters into the desert, where they landed in
a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one
who fired turned to the other one and said, "What
a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us!
But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing
I've learned during my travels through the
galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap
around himself twice and then stick into his own
ear, you don't mess with him!"
RustPuppet and Necuno, those are so damn funny! And sharp! lolololololol
Awesome!
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a military gala event one evening. There was no shortage of pretty young ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his medals and decorations and said, “It looks like you've seen a lot of action.”
The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Affirmative, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”
She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
old but still funny
Koos was walking through his veld one day when he spots someone drinking water from a pool.
He shouts, "Moenie die **** water drink nie, poephol, dis vol **** **** en kolera!
The other guy says, "I'm a visiting Australian cricket supporter mate, can you speak English please!"
Koos replies, "Use bofe hands, you gets more wota vat way".
Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the
play-ground and go into the woods. Curious, he
follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in
a "Passionate Embrace". Johnnie finds this so
exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs
home and starts to tell his mother excitedly:
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look
and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
layed down on the seat, then Daddy.."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said,
"Johnnie, this is such an interesting story.
Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you
tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell
his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing
the car into the woods, the undressing, laying
down on the seat, and...
"...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing
Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in
the army."
lmao...johnnie is getting a dodgy upbringing
A priest and a nun are riding a camel through the
desert. It's so hot the camel collapses and dies
of heat and exhaustion. The priest knows they
will die soon also, so he asks the nun if there's
anything she would like to do that she has never
been done before in her life.
She says, "I have never seen a man naked before."
The priest says, "My heavens sister, I can't
believe you would say a something like that, but
since it's your dying request I'll fulfill it."
He takes off his clothes and the sister is
surprised and points between his legs and says,"
What is that?"
The priest says, " This is my staff of life. I
can put it in your hole and create life!"
So the sister says, " Well stick it in the camel
and let's get the hell out of here!"