no, i have a jokes folder on my pc and went trhough it just now as some of the jokes we've been getting lately........ are just undescribably uhm bad...
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no, i have a jokes folder on my pc and went trhough it just now as some of the jokes we've been getting lately........ are just undescribably uhm bad...
So post them!
/Needs more Jokes
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7
Feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner
Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
You the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh
3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Lord, I thought you said:
'Turn around.'
LOL thanks :)Quote:
Originally Posted by HANDsolo
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2 What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Blog post from fr3d 254:
;)Quote:
I absolutely hate my job! The people that I work with suck!
The one lady must be a lesbian or something. She’s a red – head and always dresses in these 1960’s cloths and wears librarian glasses. She thinks that she’s so smart, like she knows everything. She always ha an answer, even for questions that no one asks!
The other woman is totally hot though! She’s blond, and thick as hell. I think that she only keeps her job because she’s sleeping with the boss. At the least she must be sucking him off. She knows nothing, and just messes our work up!
The worst though, is this other guy I work with. He’s like a total stoner! He wears these old nasty cloths, and always looks like he just came back from a rave or something! I think he does weed everyday or something! The worst part is that he even brings his dog to work with him! The dog is just as stupid as him!
Anyway, it’s my job to drive these guys around, and together we solve mysteries.
Lol @ crazydude.
/goes off to search for jokes...
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's R3.95 per minute.
Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home...
...when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled to him, saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are!"
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison,
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
A man is sentenced to jail for 20 years. While in jail he finds an ant. He tells himself that this is going to be the best trained ant that ever lived and teaches it to do many amazing tricks over the years.
After he gets out of jail he decides to head to the local bar. He places the ant down on the counter and calls the bartender over. He points to the ant as the bartender leans down to look.
The bartender frowns as he balls up his fist, slams it down on the ant and says, "Yeah, blasted things are everywhere."
Awww ... all that work gone.
Dude must be crushed :D
roflmao! :d:d:dQuote:
Originally Posted by _caboose_
There is a child molester and a young boy walking through a deep remote
forest. After a while the boy gets very cold and frightened so he says,
"Mister i'm scared and cold, please let me go",the child molester cries out,
"You think your scared I have to walk home alone!"
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now.... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him ................................ you have a headache."
:D :D
Hahaha, brilliant fayainz!
I like the sig on a Mybb's forumite
"Women can't multitask... if they can they'd be able to deal with a headache and have s*x"
rofl! good one fayainz :D
Die droogte in die Karoo het so erg geword dat daar niks meer oor is van
Oom Sarel se plaas nie. Hy het al sy beeste laat slag, al sy skape verkoop.
Die veld is so droog soos hy dit nog nooit in sy 65 jaar gesien het nie.
Die plaaswerkers het verlede maand getrek om te gaan kyk of hulle nie kan
werk kry in Zimbabwe nie, so sleg het dit gegaan.
Oom Sarel sit een oggend op die stoep, verby moedeloos.
Skielik kom daar 'n helikopter oor gevlieg. Nog nooit tevore het hy 'n
helikopter gesien nie. Hy kyk die helikopter so, draai na Tant Sarie en se
vir haar: "Daar fokof die windpomp ook nou!"
old one, but still funny
A normal 30 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts..
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed there when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?"
No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
been out here for many months... You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes ............ " Dón't tell me you've got DSTV ? "
LOL! :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by wizdumb
hahahahahahahahaaha typical man...
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Tommy fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Tommy took a bath with Bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is Tommy's neighbour.
A South African guy, an Australian guy, a younge woman, and an old lady are in a train car.
The train goes through a tunnel and its pitch black and suddenly there is a slapping sound.
When they get out of the tunnel, they see the Australian with a red cheek.
The old lady thinks that the Australian must have tried to grope the young girl.
The Younge woman thinks that the he must have tried to grab the old lady.
The Australian thinks that the South African must have grabed one of the women.
The South African thinks that he can't wait for the next tunnel so he can moer the Australian again.
I've heard this one before, but it's still funny.Quote:
Originally Posted by Raven Gold
LOL!!! Thats a good one :D
A Mothers Wisdom
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Love John
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum
lol thats really funny!
Afrikaans!
Baba beer stap by die trappe af en sit op sy Klein stoeltjie by die tafel.
Hy kyk na sy Klein papbordjie...
"Wie't my pappies geëet?", vra hy in 'n huilerige stemmetjie.
Pappabeer kom by die tafel aan en sit op sy groot stoel. Hy kyk na sy
groot papbord, en ook die is leeg.
"Wie de duiwel het my pap gevreet!" vra hy in 'n bulderende stem.
Mammabeer se kop verskyn in die luik tussen die kombuis en die eetkamer.
Haar gesig lyk soos 'n hoëveldse donderstorm.
"Genugtig, hoeveel keer moet ek met julle idiote deur hierdie proses gaan?
Dit was Mammabeer wat eerste opgestaan het.
Dit was Mammabeer wat almal in die huis wakker gemaak het.
Dit was Mammabeer wat die koffie gemaak het.
Dit was Mammabeer wat in die koue uitgegaan het om die koerant te gaan
haal. Dit was Mammabeer wat die tafel gedek het.
Dit was Mammabeer wat die kat laat uitgaan en sy sandboks skoongemaak het.
Dit was Mammabeer wat die kat en die pappegaai kos gegee en versorg het.
En dit was Mammabeer wat die sitkamer aan die Kant moes maak na julle
TV-kykery gisteraand"..
"En nou dat julle uiteindelik besluit het om julle flenter-beergatte
ondertoe te sleep en Mammabeer se kombuis met julle befoeterde
teenwoordigheid te kom vereer, moet julle nou mooi luister, en goed
luister, want ek gaan dit nie weer sê nie":
"Ek.- Het. -Nog.- Nie.- Die.- FOKKEN. -Pap. -Gemaak. -Nie!!!!!!!!!"
--------------------------------------
Ouma & Oupa klim in die bed.
Oupa gee 'n harde poep.
Ouma vra: 'Wat was dit?'
Oupa dink vinnig en sê : 'dis poeprugby...7 punte vir my!'
Paar minute later poep ouma en sê : 'n drie & 'n skop, 7 punte elk!'
Oupa gee so n sagte poepie en sê: 'strafskop vir my, 10 - 07'
Ouma laat loop ook met n ligte enetjie en sê: ' strafskop, 10 elk'
Direk daarna gee ouma nog een en sê : 'skepskop! ek loop 13 - 10voor..!!'
Oupa druk op sy hardste, verloor beheer en beskyt hom kant van die bed.
Ouma vra : 'en dit?'
Oupa sê: 'Dis halftyd, ons moet kante ruil'
lol!! good one raven :D
Hahahahaahahahahahahaahha - baie goed RG!
Drunk Term = Sober Translation)
I LOVE This Song! = I KNOW This Song!
Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly = Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.
Man, I'm hungry = Man, if I don't eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar...again.
You're really pretty = I'm going to be ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.
Want to watch a movie? = Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?
I'm soooo drunk = I'm planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.
I just, like, want to help animals, ya know? = I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?
You're my best friend, man = You're my only friend in arm's reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.
I don't want to ruin the friendship = You're a nice girl but you're very heavy and I'd rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.
This is the BEST night of my LIFE! = This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!
Let's take a walk, this bar is crowded = I prefer my handjobs outdoors.
I'm totally fine, dude = I'm totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes, dude.
What's up, Bro? = What's up, guy-whose-name-I-can't-ever-remember?
Who wants to dance? = Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything wearing a skirt?
Hey, did you get the notes from Bio? = Hey, I'm going to ask you about class because I'm too scared to ask you out.
I had, like, ten beers before I even came out = I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.
Dude, I didn't even make it out of the dorms last night! = Dude, my girlfriend made me stay in and watch the Gilmore Girls season 1 DVD with her last night!
No dude, Im totally fine, no need to pull over! = here it comes, blaaargh!
reminds of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g0AJPqKybs
Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for,
Particularly being late for work in the morning.
He was called to a disciplinary hearing where
He was given a chance to explain his reasons.
His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de
Mirror and try tuh
Straiten my hair. Den I sumtimes miss de texi and den I
Am late."
His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's
Colleagues to sneak into
Philemon's room and steal the mirror off the wall, without
Philemon's knowledge.
The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens the day after that.
So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his
Reasons for not attending work.
His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de
Mirror. I see no Philemon.
I think Philemon already left for work"
lol this is a good one!Quote:
Originally Posted by Hot_Chocolate
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth
wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special
occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we married I was a hooker for 8 years."
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,
'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you,
in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales. . ..
Haha I laughed out of my belly. Nice one SouthSideKing! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by SouthSideKing
Hehe yea I did too! Thought I should put it up :-)Quote:
Originally Posted by Solitude