Whats the difference between David Hasselhoff and Hitler?
Hitler knew when his career ended!
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Whats the difference between David Hasselhoff and Hitler?
Hitler knew when his career ended!
Whats does Michael Jackson and Tequila have in common?
They both come in tots!
HIERDIE WERK OOK NET IN AFRIKAANS.........!!!
Die seuntjie van so Std 1 gaan na sy ma,
SEUN: Ma hoe spel 'n mens 'boks'? met 'n "x"?
MA: Nee my kind, die woord boks bestaan nie eintlik nie, die korrekte woord is doos.
SEUN: Ok, dankie Ma.
Die volgende dag kom die seun met dik gehuldie oe van die skool af.
MA : Wat het gebeur my kind?
SEUN: Ons moes vir vandag se Afrikaanse klas n opstel skryf oor sport en ek het net met die naam van my opstel begin toe meneer dit sien. Toe Gryp hy my kantoor toe en gee my n moviese pakslae.
MA : Wat was jou opstel se naam my kind?
SEUN : Ek hou meer van doos as van rugby.
Hhahaha denshweep
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
rofl hehe good 1
'n Antreklike jong dame ry met haar baba op die bus.
Heel diskreet probeer sy die babatjie te borsvoed, maar hy wil niks weet nie.
Kort-kort sê sy vir die babatjie:
"As jy nie wil drink nie, gaan ek dit vir die oom daar oorkant gee!!!!!"
Toe sy dit die derde keer vir die babatjie sê, antwoord die man:
"Dame, maak asb jou mind op of jy my wil laat drink of nie. . .
ek moes al 3 bus stoppe terug af geklim het!!!"
HAHAHAHA - the triumph of hope over experience.Quote:
Originally Posted by DenSweeP
I felt so sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled “Fuck me!!”
What happened next will haunt me forever...
Man kom lékker dronk by die huis.
Vrou lê oopmond in die bed en slaap...
Man gooi twee Panados in haar mond af. Sy verstuk haar amper dood!
Vrou: “Wat het jy in my mond gegooi?!”
Man: “Twee Panados...”
Vrou: “Is jy mál, ek het nie hoofpyn nie?!”
Man: “Dis wat ek wil hoor Mamma, dis wat ek wil hoor…!”
What did Tibet say to the Vatican City?
"Jy dink jy's cooler as Mecca?"
You should be beaten with a stick for that. :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by HANDsolo
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will
buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end
of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and
the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed
around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the
same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the
ballerina another drink!’
The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's
your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!'
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve a Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
Why is the JFK Conspiracy like a roadblock?
There is always some guy denying how many shooters he had.
lol!Quote:
Originally Posted by handsolo
.........................
29 Universal Truths
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
9. Bad decisions make good stories.
10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.
12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -ever.
14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.
19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a person from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Trousers? Trousers never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year? - So true!
26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
HAHAHa ...all true :D
I agree with 25 too ... but I'll try and reverse the trend when I start teaching. I aim to do this by doing house-visits and smacking the parents in place of their children. Always start with the source of the problem :p
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess its okay," said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better medical aid."
Ek’s nou so gerattle........
Het 'n blond in die poskantoor gesien skree op 'n koevert,
toe ek haar vra wat sy doen, toe sê sy, sy stuur 'n voicemail!
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a coloured couple standing next to him and asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Nay meneer ek hettie gasien nie, maar my vrou het!'
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little
fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder
up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest [email protected] I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I
touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's [email protected], and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll
jump off the ladder!"
lmao, where do i send my $$Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellraven
will post a few jokes soon
Boy - will u go out with me
Girl - no.
Boy - did u hear what i say?
Girl - yes
Boy - then what did i say?
Girl - will you go out with me.
Boy - YES
Roflmao xD
Die boer lê en slaap in sy huis toe die selfoon skielik begin lui.
Toe hy antwoord, is dit ou Petrus op die plaas. Petrus sê: "Baas,
baas, jy moet gou kom, hier's groot moeilikheid oppie plaas."
Die boer vra toe "Petrus Wat is fout?"
Petrus: "Ek, ek kannie oor die phone verduidelik nie, jy, jy moet kom
hier by die plaas."
Toe die boer daar kom sê Petrus:
"Een vannie skaape, hy het hom die 7 babies gekry, enne die skaap hy
sallie hom nie kan voer almal van daai babies nie"
Die boer besef toe dat hulle die lammers maar self met bottels sal
moet voer en ry toe na die noodapteek toe en vra vir die dame agter
die toonbank, "verskoon tog dame, het jy lam tiete?"
Koel en kalm antwoord sy: "Nee, Meneer, dis net 'n k*k bra."
looooooooooooooooool
Boy - will u go out with me
Girl - no.
Boy - did u hear what i say?
Girl - yes
Boy - then what did i say?
Girl - will you go out with me.
Boy - YES
Internet, internet on my screen.
How many freaky ladies have I seen?
How many Dollars have I spent?
To release something that was pent?
To the point where careers have now been.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded ...
'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscastersays "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazillion?"
A man goes to the Curry Cup final and sees another man sitting next to an open seat. He asks the man if he can sit there.
The man says, "If you don't mind, that seat is mine too. You see my wife passed away and she always used to come with me. This is our first match apart."
The other man says, "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. But surely you could have bought someone else along for company, maybe a brother or cousin?"
The man answers, "Yes I could, but they've all gone to the fcking funeral."
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".
6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.
Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo mama so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her!
Yo mama so poor she uses curtains as blankets!
I can. And I do! ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Crzwaco
Waco I lol'd at the second last 1