Wat do u call a deer with no eyes or legs and no dick
Still no fucking idea
Printable View
Wat do u call a deer with no eyes or legs and no dick
Still no fucking idea
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the
California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 'Guns
don't kill people. I kill people.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a traffic officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
what did the iPhone say to the blackberry?Quote:
Originally Posted by _Caboose_
iWork..:P
I was driving to work the other morning, when I saw 2 children marching down the road along the pavement with their mother following not too far behind them and I thought to myself that she's definitely prepping them for Strike Season next year. :p
When my girlfriend caught me using a penis enlargement cream, she laughed. I told her, "There's no need to rub it in."
GOOGLE: I have everything.
FACEBOOK: I Know everybody.
INTERNET: Without me, you all are nothing.
ELECTRICITY: Keep talkin' b*tches!
I got a new radio for my car the other day ... it's awesome. Completely voice-controlled - for instance, you tell it the genre of music you want to listen to, and it'll automatically find a station playing that music. Say "Jazz", it plays jazz, say "Metal" it plays metal.
So, the other day I was driving through my neighbourhood and I had to stop sharply for a couple of kids running across the road. "F**king kids!!!"
My radio started playing Micheal Jackson.
1. Go Onto Google and type "finding chuck norris"
2. Click on the very first link.
So over all the chuck norris crap but still made me lol especially the suggustion at the bottom:D
change number 2 to:Quote:
Originally Posted by sykotik
Click "I'm feeling lucky""
Chinese to Arab: I have 10 children:O , one more and i will have my own football teamX_X ..
ARAB:I have 17 wivesB-) , one more & i will have my private golf course of 18 holes(y) :D =)) .
Sent from the MyGaming iPhone App
If the first internet chat posts had been all caps, we'd be typing in all caps and if someone uses lower case, we'd say "STOP WHISPERING."
An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting In a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there Looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red From an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: 'That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl And got slapped.'
The Aussie is thinking: 'Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to Kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead.'
The beautiful girl is thinking: 'That Aussie must have moved to kiss me, But kissed the old lady instead and got slapped.'
The Afrikaner guy is thinking: 'If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and m03r that Aussie again!'
how do you know the girl you are dating is to young for you?
when you have to make airplane noises when you want to stick your penis in her mounth
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
Here are some Afrikaans jokes for you guys. Hopefully I don't get banned for posting dirty jokes.
Cheap booze
'n Man loop by 'n pub in en bestel 'n bier.
"Skerlik" tune die barman "dit sal een sent wees"
"Een sent?!", vra die man en die barman beaam dit.
Die man check die pub se menu uit: "Kan ek asseblief 'n t-bone steak met chips kry?"
"No worries" tune die barman weer "dit sal vyf sent wees"
Die ou kan dit nie glo nie: "Vyf sent? Is jy mal? Waar is die eienaar van hierdie plek?"
Barman: "By my huis, besig om met my chick te doen wat ek besig is om met sy besigheid te doen"
Oppitotti
Drie couples is uitgepass by Oppikoppi in twee tente. Die chicks in die een tent en die ouens in die ander tent. Drie uur die oggend skrik een van die ouens half deur die kak wakker: "Fok, ek moet my chick gaan kry! Ek het sopas wakker geword met die grootste fokken boner ooit!"
"Kan ek saamkom?" vra sy een tjommie
"Is jy fokken mal? Hoekom sal ek dit nou toelaat?"
Buddy: "Want dis my fokken piel wat jy daar vashou daar!"
Skollies
Drie skollies is oppad tronk toe in 'n bus. Elkeen van hulle is een item toegelaat om tjoekie te vat om hulleself mee besig te hou. Hulle sit en chat oor wat hulle elkeen saamgebring het.
Die eerste skollie tune: "So ek het vir my 'n verfstel gekies sodat ek my skills kan oefen. Die dag as fokof uit die tronk uit gaan ek my paintings by Hatfield vlooimark swing" Hy draai na die tweede skollie en vra: "So wat het jy ingepak?"
Tweede skollie: "Fok. Ek het maar net 'n pak kaarte ingepak om solitaire te speel. Ek sien nou dit was 'n fokken kak move"
Hy draai na die derde skollie toe: "Wat het jy ingepak, my blaar?"
Die derde skollie tune: "Hierdie moerse boks tampons"
"TAMPONS?!", skree die ander twee gelyk verbaas uit
Derde skollie: "Ja, volgens die boks kan ek perdry, rollerblade, trampoline spring, swem…"
Boereraat
Twee boere loop deur 'n veld. Een van die boere hurk by 'n bol beeskak, druk sy vingers daarin en smeer dit oor sy lippe.
"Sif ou, hoekom de fok doen jy dit?", vra die tweede boer.
"Ek het gebarste lippe" antwoord hy terug.
"So help dit daarvoor?" vra die eerste een weer.
"Nee, maar dit keer dat ek my lippe aflek"
Blondes
'n Blond en 'n rooikop sit en tee drink by Mugg & Bean en die rooikop sien toevallig hoe haar boyfriend by die blommewinkel inloop.
Rooikop: "Ag fok, my boyfriend koop alweer vir my blomme!"
Blond: "Hou jy nie daarvan om blomme te kry nie?"
Rooikop: "Ek like blomme, maar daar is altyd expectations na die tyd. Ek is nie lus om die volgende week op my rug te spandeer nie"
Blond: "Shame liefie, het jy nie 'n blompot nie?"
Bloubul, Lions en Sharks
'n Bull supporter, Shark supporter en 'n Lions supporter kuier op 'n plaas van 'n vriend en sit die aand om die kampvuur met so paar brannas. Dis nie lank nie, of hulle begin hulle groot stories uit te ruk oor hulle vorige besoeke aan die vriend plaas.
Die Bloubul supporter begin: " Laasjaar hier op Frik se plaas het daai gevaarlike bul uit die kamp uitgekom en 'n groep toeriste bestorm. Ek het hom by so horings gepak en grond toe gevat en hom gestoei tot hy flou en mak was."
Die Shark supporter antwoord terug: "Dis fokol, net laasweek het 'n mamba Frik se kinders skrik gemaak hier agter die kraalmuur. Ek het vinnig tussen die kinders en die slang ingespring, hom gegryp en sy kop afgebyt en al sy gif uitgesuig. En hier sit ek nog vandag!"
Die Lion supporter het eenkant stil by die vuur gesit en die kole rondgekrap met sy piel.
How do you loose 50kg off usless fat - get a divorce
My wife was watching a cooking show the other day.
I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."...
Mkhize is buying a TV and asks "Do you have colour TVs?"
"Sure" says the assistant.
Mkhize replies "Give me a green one, please."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mkhize calls SAA. "How long does it take to fly to New York ?"
Let me check 4 you "Just a sec" says the rep.
"Thank you" says Mkhize and hangs up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mkhize was filling in an application form for a job.
He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column SALARY EXPECTED: He was not sure as to what
to be filled here. After much thought he wrote "Yes!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mkhize goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk,
"What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies "That is a thermos flask."
Mkhize then asks "What does it do?"
The clerk responds "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things
cold.
Mkhize says "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His boss, Mr
Sibiya sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?" He said,
"It's a thermos." The boss then says "What does it do?"
He replies "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said "Wow, what do you have in it?"
Mkhize replies "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did 18 of Mkhize's family members go to a movie?
Because under 18 was not allowed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
To lose weight the doctor told Mkhize to run eight kilometers a day
for 300 days.
After 300 days Mkhize called the doctor to report he had lost the
weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 Kms away from home."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having lost his donkey Mkhize got down to his knees and started
Thanking God.
A passer-by saw him and asked "Your donkey is missing; what are you
thanking God for?"
Mkhize replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't
riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Mkhize got his 4th child.. He fills data in the birth certificate...
Mother: Xhosa.
Father: Zulu
Kid: Chinese.
"How come you write 'Chinese' when both parents are Black?"
"Aah" says Mkhize "I read in a newspaper that every 4th person born
in the world now is Chinese!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mkhize with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him
what had happened to his ears and he answered.
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the
phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." The
doctor then asked:
"What about the other ear?" Mkhize answered: " The damn idiot called
again
Q: How do you know if you are leading a sad life??
A: If a nymphomaniac tells you that she only wants to be friends....
Oh Julias
MALEMA: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
MALEMA : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is the final.
MALEMA comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment'
How do you recognize MALEMA in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.
Once MALEMA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.
MALEMA is in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
MALEMA : Why are all these people running?
Commentator: This is a race, the winner will get the cup
MALEMA: If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
MALEMA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
MALEMA says to his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
MALEMA : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
MALEMA is in the accounting-class. The teacher asked the pupils to write something about Income Tax.
MALEMA wrote: I have a dog. His name is Tax. He was outside, and when I opened the door, Income Tax.
My Favourite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.Fried chicken is my favourite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed and told me not to do it again.I don't understand.My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the **** I am...???
hahahaha thats awesome :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Vegeta ZA
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-j...7073307202.gif
AAAARGH (first 2.5 panes) SO TRUE!!!
Oooh - too good not to post - sorry if i am spamming!
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-Y...oreawesome.jpg
Haha, classic! I can just see this playing off as the lady tries to explain this with half inflated tires...Quote:
Originally Posted by ViperGTI
This Joke is in Afrikaans but its still pretty dam funny.
Liewe Ma en Pa,
Dit gaan goed met my en met julle?
Sê vir boetie Wouter en boetie Koos dat om in die Army te wees baie lekkerder is as om vir Oom Piet te werk.
Hulle moet sommer gou kom aansluit voordat al die plekke gevul word.
Ek was eers baie ongemaklik omdat mens in die bed moet bly tot amper 06:00, maar nou geniet ek dit om so laat te kan slaap.
Sê vir Wouter en Koos al wat mens voor ontbyt moet doen, is om jou bed netjies en glad te maak en goed blink te vryf.
Nikse ge-varke voer, koeie melk, mampoer meng of braaihout kappery nie.
Jy doen amper niks!
Manne moet nog skeer, maar dis nie so erg nie, want daars warm water.
Brekfis is sterk op vrugtesap, pap, eiers en bacon, maar minder sterk op steaks, boerewors, tjops, aartappels en goed soos vetkoek.
Maar sê vir hulle jy kan altyd tussen twee dorpsjapies wat net van koffie leef, gaan sit.
Hulle kos plus joune hou mens darem vol tot twaalfuur toe wanneer jy weer gevoer word.
Hierdie dorpsjapies kan nie juis ver stap nie.
Ons gaan op roetemarse, wat ons sal taai maak, sê die Sersant.
As hy so dink is dit mos nie my plek om hom reg te help nie.
'n Roetemars is omtrent so ver soos tot by ons posbus by die huis.
Dan kry die dorpsjapies seer voete en ons almal ry dan terug
in lorries. Die veld is mooi, maar baie plat.
Julle gaan julle morsdood lag as julle hiervan hoor. Ek bly medaljes kry vir skiet.
Ek weet nie hoekom nie.
Die bulls-eye is net so groot soos 'n dassie se kop en beweeg glad nie eers nie.
En dit skiet nie eers terug soos daai Venters van die buurplaas nie. Al wat jy moet doen is om doodstil te lê en dit raak te skiet.
Jy hoef nie eers jou eie ammunisie te maak nie, dit kom in bokse.
Dan is daar wat hulle noem "hand-to-hand combat training".
Jy stoei met die dorpsjapies van die stad af.
Ek moet versigtig wees, want hulle kry maklik seer.
Dis nie soos om met ons ou bul, Swart Duiwel, by die huis te stoei nie.
Ek is omtrent die beste wat hulle in hierdie peleton het, behalwe vir Groot Jan Jordaan van die Bosveld.
Hy het saam met my aangesluit. Maar ek is omtrent 5 voet 6 en weeg 70kg en hy is 6 voet 8 en weeg maklik 150kg,droë gewig.
Sê tog my boeties moet gou maak en aansluit voordat ander ouens uitvind van die ongelooflike Army setup en aangestorm kom!
Julle liefdevolle dogter
Ester
Hahahahahahahaha good one Jan-Roux hahahaha.
One night a father was tucking his daughter into bed, he reads her a story, and she says her prayers:
"Bless mummy, bless daddy, good by granny." The father is mystified, but doesn't ask what she meant. The next morning, granny is found dead. The father doesn't think his daughter had anything to do with the death.
That night, he tucks his daughter into bed, he reads her a story, and she says her prayers:
"Bless mummy, bless daddy, goodbye grandpa." Again, the father is mystified, but remains silent. The next morning, grandpa is found dead. The father starts to wonder if the deaths were just coincidences, or not.
That night, he tucks his daughter into bed, he reads her a story, and she says her prayers:
"Bless mummy, goodbye daddy." The father gets a huge fright, and goes to bed with a gun under the pillow. The next morning, he goes to work extra early, and locks all his doors and windows, and takes every precaution to keep himself safe. That night, he went home under the cover of darkness, and silently walks up to the door. He would be safe as long as his daughter was asleep. Just as he was about to open it, the door goes open and his wife comes running out, screaming:
"Oh Harold! This morning the milkman died on our porch!"
Don't know how many of you will get this one, but to those who do, enjoy!
The owner of a chain of retail stores decided one day to go visit one of his smaller stores that was situated in a little town in the countryside. He would walk in and look at the products as if he were a normal customer, and this way he would see how good the service is and how well the store was being managed. The store was located in the main street, were the most customers are likely to be, close to some bars, clothing stores, and a post office.
As he was walking through the store, he spotted the manager playing cards with one of the employees. The owner decided to scare the two of them, and see their reactions. Just around a corner, he spotted a fire alarm against the wall, and quickly walks over, sets off the alarm, and waited to see what they would do.
To his amazement, the two of them did nothing. They just sat and played on. It was like they were deaf. Just as the manager was about to storm in and ask them why they were playing cards and why they were ignoring the alarm, a young waiter came running in from the bar across the street carrying a tray with two beers and two glasses with ice.
Finance for dummies
A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You make wors...
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep
. You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.
A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You go on strike because you want three sheep.
. They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime' and steal someone
else's sheep and shoot their owner.
A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
. A farmer has two sheep.
. You take over his farm, eat both sheep and wait for the international
community to supply more.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep
and produce twenty times the wool.
. You then create clever sheep cartoon images called ewekimon and market
them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
sheer themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. Both are mad.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You pray to them for food.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are.
. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You count them and learn you have five sheep.
. You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep
. You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.
. You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
. You have 5000 sheep, none of which belong to you.
. You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You have 300 people sheering them.
. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. The one on the left is kinda cute.....
Lady golfer
A young lady decided to go and play a round of golf, but shortly after completing the 1st hole she was stung by a bee.
She walked angrily into the clubhouse and was greeted by the club pro who could see that see was distressed.
Pro: Goog morning. Is everything ok?
Lady: No, I just got stung by a bee!
Pro: Where did you get stung?
Lady: Between the 1st and second hole.
Pro: In that case you are definitely opening your legs to wide while swinging...
Funnies
NO. 1
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's
nipples while she was asleep. The next day, their driver died of
poisoning.
NO.2
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His
son asked Dad why? He answered so that when I am dead, no one will
sleep with your mum.
NO.3
A lady lost three panties in her
house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said sir you are my
witness you know I never wear panties
What do women and dog poop have in common? The older they get, the easier is is to pick them up.
SMS from Thabo Mbeki to Julius Malema “Ola, can you spell KARMA my boy?”
While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" "That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music." "In other words this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."
What is the difference between your job and your wife?
Your job still sucks after a year!!
Malema: I appeal I, appeal!
Judge: Jy's nie 'n pie* nie, jy's a poe*!
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
Wrong Number
" Hello?"
"Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a
brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.. Put the
phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and
shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What
about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on,
too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into
the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the
water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think
he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?
Is this
486-5731?"
No, this is 486-5713.....
Sorry wrong number
Isn't it discriminating that Gingers can only use two lifelines in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?