Nothing :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Vampothic
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Nothing :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Vampothic
That's all I haveQuote:
Originally Posted by Vampothic
Old one... I actually heard a different variant of this before where the firemen are Irish or Scottish... was funnier.
A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.
Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.
The next day at an awards ceremony for the 6 heroic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.
"What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?", asked the Governor.
"Well," replied the old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old fucking truck!"
The only substitute for good manners are fast reflexes.
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
Q. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A. Juan on Juan
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black-eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
You tell me to abstain from sex at my age, and yet, here I am...
Mixed signals...
50 Shades In Reverse
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......
Back and forth... back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"
Africa is Far Ahead!
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British.
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi , South Africa , Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing (aziko, fokolo).
Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.
A man and his new bride check into a hotel, looking forward to their honeymoon. After they go upstairs the desk clerks looks up and sees the man walking downstairs with his tackle box and fishing pole. He walks out the door and is gone until nearly midnight.
Before dawn the next morning, once again the desk clerk sees the man walking out the door with his fishing pole and tackle box. He is gone all day and returns really late.
On the third day as the man walks down the stairs with his tackle box and fishing pole, the desk clerk stops him.
"Excuse me sir, but I understand you are on your honeymoon," He asks.
"Yes sir.." The man replies.
"Well, If my wife looked like that, I'd be upstairs in bed with her.." he says.
"I can't, she's got gonorrhea." the man replies casually.
"Okay, how 'bout a little oral action?"
"Nope, she's got herpes."The man says calmly.
Agitated, the desk clerk says "Well, you could take the back door.."
"Nope, she's got diarrhea."
Frustrated the desk clerk shouts "Well then what the hell did you marry her for?"
The man smiles "She's got worms too ... and they make good bait."
Ag nee sies man!
Yeah, that'll hit top marks on yuck.Quote:
Originally Posted by FriedPet
I read that before going to bed early yesterday morning. Probably not just coincidence that I couldn't get to sleep for quite a while.Quote:
Originally Posted by FriedPet
Just gross! I'm a prentjie mens... And I'm picturing this shit right now...
/feeling sick
Omg dude wow :eek:
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?
I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
If Romain Poite and Bryce Lawrence were drowning and you only had time to save one - what type of sandwich would you make... ?
IRISH SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."
A family of three were driving through the woods when they had a terrible accident.
They were rushed to the hospital - all of them unconscious.
The woman wakes up looks around and cries to the nurse, "What happened? Where is my husband? Is my son OK?"
The son wakes up and says, "Where is father? Where is my mum? Are they hurt?"
Finally the man wakes up, feels his penis with his hands, and says, "Phew".
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "what's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow".
If a cat always lands on its feet and toast always lands buttered side down: what happens if you tie the buttered side facing up on a cat's back?
You know what hurts my feelings?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Nerve endings.
/ba dum tssss!
Shouldn't it rather be damage to Nerve endings?Quote:
Originally Posted by Edelweiss
Normal nerve endings shouldn't hurt you, unless you maybe have hyperaesthesia....
:p
Who's fun at parties?!?! YOU ARE :pQuote:
Originally Posted by FriedPet
A man went to the pub with his wife.
When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered: "You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
hey bud, you need to multi quote when responding like this, otherwise we have no idea what you are referring to. The multi quote button can be found just to the right of reply and reply with quote.Quote:
Originally Posted by AlienTaker
My bad sorry
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely shit my pants."
an Afrikaans joke
In Brakpan sukkel die ouens maar met die Engels.
Die Matrieks skryf hul Engels 2de Taal eindvraestel. Toe hulle klaar is vra Koos vir Piet: "Hoe lyk jou leeu wat ons moes teken?"
"Watse leeu?'" vra Piet.
Koos sê: "Het jy dan nie gesien nie? Onder aan die vraestel het gestaan 'Draw a line'."
"Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken."
So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."
Gatiep asks a prostitute "how much"?
She says "R50 on the bed, R20 on the Sofa and R10 on the grass.
He hands her R50 and says "let's go!"
She Says "R50! you are obviously a man of class".
Gatiep responds "Class se Gat! 5 Keer op die Gras......"
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.
"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."
"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"
The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
Male VS Female logic!
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: R9.00 (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs R9 and you have 3 a day which puts your spending each month at R810. In one year, it would be approximately R9855 …correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend R9855, not accounting for inflation, the past20 years puts your spending at R197,100, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much BEER, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"