/votes for whoever syco is voting forQuote:
Originally Posted by sycogrim
wait, why are we voting :confused:
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/votes for whoever syco is voting forQuote:
Originally Posted by sycogrim
wait, why are we voting :confused:
that Wizdumb gets his custom title now :D as Court JesterQuote:
Originally Posted by Oculate
I vote for Wizdumb too! He deserves one as it will take him far too long to reach it by himself :D (also NOOOOO he cant get a custom title before me!!!!! :( ).
looooooooooool
lol jip i remember.
Derailed thread can we get new joke please any1
Hahahahhahahahahahaha
Ok i know it's abit touchy....but your choice to read them or not....the MJ jokes are out in full force already
whats the difference between mj & alex ferguson ?
at least ferguson will be playing giggs in august
apparently michael jackson is not going to be buried. He is going to be melted down and made into toys. So the kids can play with him for a change
the coroner is having a hard time pinning down the cause of death .. doesnt know whether to blame the stars death on the sunshine, moonlight, good times .... or the boogie
LAPD raided Neverland last nigth . they found class A drugs in the kitchen , class A in the living room & class 4C in the bedroom
Confirmation of Michael Jackson's death have just come thru - he died of food poisoning
: apparentyl he ate 12yr old nuts
: farah fawcett reaches the pearly gates, and god says do you have any last wishes, she says yes i just want my children to be safe.....so god killed michael
jacko died of a heart attack this morning after he discovered that boyz II men was a band,not a delivery service
Apparently McDonalds are doing a Michael Jackson commemorative burger.......a 50 year old piece of meat between two 5 year old buns.
mj hasn't been so stiff since macauley culkin stayed over
Michael Jackson's body is not to be cremated or buried. It's to be recycled into grocery bags. That way he can continue to be white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.
Check for Michael Jackson's pulse. Can you feel it? Can you feel it? CAN YOU FEEL IT?"
cybs, oi........
@ dixie : good job as my campaign manager. now just get some pins made, and i'll surely win
anyways back to the topic
An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting
in a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there
looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red
from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: "That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl
and got slapped."
The Aussie is thinking: "Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to kiss
the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead."
The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Aussie must have moved to kiss me, but
kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."
The Afrikaner guy is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I
could make another kissing sound and m0er that Aussie again!"
hehehe
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he
accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin'
da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da
fingers? Lord Tunderin', it's
2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and
made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, ' How da foock was I 'spose to pick
them up !!!
thanks guys for making it a Lol dayi needed it my pc is broken
the MJ joke my boss has now told for the 7th time...
reports of michael jackson having a heart attack are incorrect. he was found in the childrens ward having a STROKE!!!
*giggle*Quote:
Originally Posted by wizdumb
Yeah i'm a /b/tard :rolleyes:
Punny
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was -- -- Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island -- -- but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker -- -- but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class -- -- because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder -- -- and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, -- -- it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road -- -- and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France -- -- would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race -- -- they ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow -- -- fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism --- is a non-prophet organisation.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway -- -- One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger -- -- then, it hit me
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said -- -- ‘Keep off the Grass.'
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital -- -- his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
A chicken crossing the road -- -- is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison -- -- was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray -- -- is now a seasoned veteran.
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. -- -- in feudalism, it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary -- -- they got a taste of religion.
Vanaf: http://blogs.beeld.com/ViewComments....=383&blogid=11
Quote:
Bel net 08600-ZUMA!
28 Mei 2009 2:28nm
Verby is die dae dat Suid-Afrikaners een keer per jaar die Financial Times uit Londen moes bestel het om uit te vind wat in die president se kop aangaan!
Aikôna wena, dinge werk nou anders. Onder die Jacobiete kan ons almal sommer die tolvrye hotline in die president se kantoor bel as daar ietsie is wat pla.
Dis ’n uitstekende idee, maar Lood voorsien ’n paar probleme.
Eerstens, soos die president self duidelik gemaak het, bestaan die nommer nog nie. Dit beteken Telkom, daardie reus van dienslewering, moet betrokke raak.
En selfs al ken die president genoeg mense op hoë plekke om Telkom so ver te kry om sy nuwe lyn binne ses maande te installeer, kan Cosatu nog tot die aand voor die tyd probeer om die hele poging met ’n dringende hofaansoek te kelder.
Maar goed, as die president by Telkom en Cosatu kan verbykom en sy telefoon aan die werk kan kry, sou hy homself reeds bewys het as iemand wat kán.
) Met dié heuglike moontlikheid in gedagte voorsien Lood dat van die gesprekke soos volg kan verloop:
(Telefoon lui, ’n opgeneemde stem antwoord:)
“In alfabetiese volgorde, druk asseblief een vir Afrikaans, twee vir Engels . . . (ensovoorts).”
(Inbeller kies Afrikaans.)
“U het die kantoor van pres. Jacob Zuma bereik. U oproep is vir hom belangrik, maar hy is nie tans beskikbaar nie. Laat asseblief ’n boodskap. Steve, as dit jy is: Ons is aan vir die braai Vrydagaand. Bring girls as jy kan.
“Pieter, as dit jy is: Hoor by Steve hoe om by my plek uit te kom, en bring jou eie drank.”
) Of dalk so iets:
(Telefoon lui.)
“Goeiedag, dis pres. Jacob Zuma, hoe kan ek help?”
“Hallo . . . Niekie, is dit jy?”
“Nee, mevrou, dis Jacob Zuma, hoe kan ek . . .” (word in die rede geval:)
“Nee, ek soek na Niekie, dis Anoniem hier. Waar is Niekie?”
“Ek dink hy’s in die parlement, mevrou, hy’s mos nou in die DA. Hy’t ook ’n inbellyn nes ek, soek u sy nommer?”
“Sal gaaf wees ja. Jy’t nie dalk ook Fonnie du Plooy se nommer nie? Ek het hierdie pragtige ou yskas en ek het gewonder . . .”
) Of:
“Goeiedag, dis pres. Jacob Zuma, hoe kan ek help?”
“Hallo, is dit Idols? Ek probeer vir Jason stem, maar ek kom nie deur nie. Dis nou al ses maande se ding; probeer julle my vir die gek hou? Niemand gee ook om vir die man op straat nie, dis net die rykes en die belangrikes wat . . .”
“Nee, dis Jacob hier, en ek . . .”
“Nie JACOB nie, man, ek wil vir JASON stem! Daai Jacob kan nie sing om sy lewe te red nie, en . . .”
) Of dalk:
“Pappie, Dudu hier. Jammer ek bel op dié nommer, maar daai vrou soek nog steeds haar tjek vir my verjaardagpartytjie, en as sy dit nie vandag kry nie sal ons vir my 28ste moet settle vir Suid-Afrikaanse vonkelwyn, en jy weet Julius sit nie sy mond aan dáái goed nie.”
“Ag my kind, praat sommer self met Schabir, jy het mos die nommer. Hoor net eers of hy nog leef.”
) Of selfs:
“Goeiedag, dis pres. Jacob Zuma, hoe kan ek help?”
“Good day sir, and how are
youuuu? I’m well thanks, and thank you for asking. It is my pleasure to tell you that you have won a brand new Mercedes-Benz. All you have to do, is attend one of our presenta tions at the fabulous Runderpest Lodge, with compliments from Cell Indiscreet.”
“S’bu, ek val nie weer vir daai een nie!”
) Laastens:
“Goeiedag, dis pres. Jacob Zuma, hoe kan ek help?”
(Opname van ’n stotterende rekenaarstem begin speel.)
“Good day, this is a friendly reminder from Telkom that your account is overdue by R1 928 021,99. To avoid interruption of your service, please pay the outstanding amount by five o’clock. Goodbye.”
(Zuma sit die telefoon neer en roep sy persoonlike assistent:)
“Bel dadelik vir Pravin en sê vir hom Thabo gebruik al weer hierdie lyn om gratis op die internet rond te surf!”
’n Grootse plan
Ten slotte: ’n Buitengewoon swak geplaaste bron beweer hy het die oggend voordat die kabinet aangekondig is ’n lys van ministers gesien – sonder voorsiening vir ’n groter kabinet.
) Kan dit wees dat alles nié vooraf behoorlik deurdink is nie? Kan dit?
PS: 08600-ZUMA is 'n fiktiewe nommer!
PPS: Plaas gerus jou eie fiktiewe Zuma-gesprek ook hierby deur op Kommentaar te klik -- nie meer as 4 skermreëls nie, en hou dit beskaafd asseblief!
lol...
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
hahaha...the other version i know was the baby talcum powder and bowling
***********************************
Op ‘n dag loop Jannie in die straat af en sien hy sy vriend, Piet, ry ‘n nuwe bakkie. Piet hou met ‘n groot glimlag langs hom stil.
“Waar kry jy die bakkie..?” vra Jannie,
“Marietjie het dit vir my gegee” sê Piet,
“Vir jou gegee? Ek het geweet sy hou van jou maar ‘n splinter nuwe bakkie?”
“Wel, Jannie laat ek jou vertel wat gebeur het. Ons het op die plaaspad uitgery tot in die middel van nêrens. Toe trek Marietjie van die pad af, ry met die 4×4 tussen die bome in, hou stil, trek al haar klere uit en sê:
“Piet, vat vir jou wat jy wil hê!”
“Toe vat ek die bakkie.”
“Piet, donner, jy’s ‘n slim ou. Marietjie se klere sou nooit vir jou gepas het nie.”
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahah
LOL nice1 DixieQuote:
Originally Posted by Dixie
My word Dix, that is a good one.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixie
WARNING CRUDE!!!
=============
Whats the difference between Jam and marmalade?
I cant marmelade my **** in your moms *** now can i?
Hope I got this right ...........
Quote:
So there's two Irishmen named Paddy and Fitzpatrick and they're a real pair of boozehounds. One day, Paddy tells Fitzy that he's come up with an ingenious plan to never have to pay for a drink again.
"So out with then Paddy" says Fitzy
"Right boyo, this is what we do. We'll buy a salami with our last money and then head into a pub right. Then, when we've had our fill, I'll whip the salami out my pants, you jump off the barstool and proceed to give me what will look like a BJ. The barman gets angry and throws us out and bingo, we haven't paid for the drinks" says Paddy
"Oh Paddy, that's real clever that is, let's get going" says Fitzy
So off they go to put their plan into action. They sit at O'Malleys for 3 hours drinking when suddenly Paddy whips out the sausage and Fitzy gets down to business. The barman promply chucks them out and off they go thinking how good the next few weeks is going to be. Months pass with the same results and life for the drunkards seems awesome. Then one day Fitzy asks Paddy,
"Mate, do you think we can maybe do a change where I use the salami and you get down on your knees?"
"Why Fitzy, we've got a good thing going" says Paddy
"Well, it just that my knees are shot from always jumping to the floor" says Fitzy
So Paddy says, "You think you have something to complain about, I lost the damn salami weeks ago!"
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaha
Irishmen jokes are the awesomest :D
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f####r."
Roflmao helixboi, thats hilarious :D
Lol but also very mean
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy
To the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
Other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Discovery will only pay for these expensive tests
One time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Discovery recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle
Of town - If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.’
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
lol...
****************
Gauteng Metro policeman pulled Sipho's car over and told him that
because he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won R5 000, in an
Arrive Alive safety competition.
Sipho could hardly believe his luck.
"What are you going to do with your cash?" asked the traffic cop.
"Well I guess I'm going to get a drivers license," Sipho answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled Dipuo in the passenger seat.
"He tries to be smart when he's drunk."
This woke up Rodger in the back seat who took one look at the cop and
moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Zakes' voice said,
"Are we over the border yet?"
The cop fainted.
Lol @ Dixie and wizdumb
vir die afrikaanse folks...
Koos, Mike en Kallie word deur spietkops by 'n groot
winkelsentrum in Benoni afgetrek.
Spietkop: OK, guys, het julle 'n idéé hoe vinnig julle gery
het?
Hulle: G'n idee nie - maar jy gaan ons sê!
Spietkop: So vinnig dat julle elkeen 'n spoedkaartjie gaan
kry! (Hy haal sy boekie uit.) Wat is jou naam?
Koos kyk rond en sien 'n Woolworths-reklamebord daar naby: "My
naam is William Woolworth," sê Koos.
Kallie snap dit dadelik, kyk rond en sien Edgars. "My naam is
Eddie Edgars!"
Kallie en Koos kyk benoud na Mike en hoop dat hy verstaan wat
hulle gedoen het.
"En jy?" vra die spietkop kwaai.
"My naam is Ken!"
"Ja, maar wat is jou volle name?"
Mike sê selfversekerd: "My naam is Ken, en my van is Takkie
Fraaid Tjieken!"
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Buford Buck's 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.
The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."
I will never ever be able to help someone who's choking ever again after I've read this...Quote:
Originally Posted by HANDsolo
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'
He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? '
The wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."
lol Dixie :D
bwahahahahahaha good one dix :D
A guy has a horny parrot.
It's terrible.
Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm.
He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things.
Finally he takes the parrot to a vet. The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a very [email protected] male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for 200 bucks your bird can go in the cage with mine.."
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What the fuck are you waiting for!?"
Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the 200 bucks.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird and closes the curtain.
Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out. The vet screams, "Holy sh!t," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers, saying, "For 200 fucking bucks, I want you naked, bitch. Naked!"
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
*snortle* @ wizdumb :D
LoL, that is a good one.