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Thread: Writers and Authors assemble!

  1. #21
    oltman's Avatar
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    Chapter 1 / Prologue

    The Agulhas current flowing on the Eastern shores of Africa brings the warm equatorial waters with it. The water is always a very comfortable temperature to swim in and as a result the coastal towns on the Northern coast of Kwa-Zulu Natal in South Africa is popular all year round. In the coldest of winters, the ocean can actually be quite freezing albeit the emergence from the water is often met with a South Western wind that convinces you the water is in fact a safe haven. You want to stay longer, swim more.

    That was not the pleasant thought in this bather's mind right now. The water was cold. The salt was burning his eyes. The sand was choking up his throat. None of that seemed to matter. Jack Davidson's biggest concern was getting the overweight Eastern man of his back. The man had his knee between the bather's shoulder blades, simultaneously pressing his torso down below the shallow waves, and positioning himself in such a manner that his victim's arms had not enough reach to get a hold and shove him off.

    Jack was a lanky man with stringy hair. He struggled for what seemed an eternity. His hands were frantically digging in the sand, reaching back towards the big weight on his shoulders, then digging in the sand again. Finally his hand struck a rock below the surface, cracking his nail backwards. It was another pain he did not feel. He dug harder, grabbing the submerged rock and with all his power pulled himself towards the rock. The big man on his back stumbled. For a moment Jack thought he was free. A relief flowed over him as he felt the weight fall off of him. He surged up towards air, towards life.

    Before his head emerged from the foamy waves, however, a blinding pain shot through his head. He saw the pain almost more than he felt it. A bright pain, surging from the back, then jumping to his forehead. It struck again on his head. Just before Jack Davidson lost consciousness he realised that his attacker was using his salvation rock as his murder weapon. And then everything was black.

    The big man of Chinese decent slowly stood up and looked around. The beach, though normally busy, even during this April autumn morning, was empty. The wind and rainy conditions kept any holiday goers indoors. He wiped his thick black hair out of his eyes and walked towards the lifesavers hut.

    No lights were visible and the solar film on the windows made it impossible to see through. The big black board below the elevated window had the surf conditions written on. Sunny and clear. Nobody has been bold enough to update today's forecast on the board. He had no choice but to get out, get away.

    Jo Lee has not had such a hard fight in years. He had to give the small South African respect, he fought like a terrier. Lee was a big burly man, and unlike every cliche in every Hollywood movie, knew nothing about martial arts. But he was experienced in survival. Often he would reach his survival much faster than he did today. This was too close.

    The current was holding him back. He struggled and fell down on his one knee. He got up and stepped out of the surf. The beach was even tougher to walk on. His denim jeans, made heavy from the water, his one shoe that still remains on his foot and a ripped shirt added to the intensity of the walk. He was now aware of the cut above his brow. Blood slowly dripped into his eye. He looked back at the body being pushed back and forth in the waves.

    As Lee walked past the tower, he glanced up, cautiosly looking for signs of life. The Willard Beach Life Saving Tower was still quiet. Looking forward between two rows of holiday flats he could finally see his car. Finally, he thought. I need dry clothes and I need to head back into Durban before it is too late. If I miss my chance to meet my target before the deadline, I will be the dead one.

    Time was running out. He had 3 days before South Africa became a truly free country. It was 24 April, 1994, and Nelson Mandela had to die.

    Written by me, Oltman Botha. Not to be copied. Please.

  2. #22
    iGame official representative Spartan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by oltman View Post
    So, if I wrote what could be a first chapter of a first attempt at a first novel, could I post it here for constructive criticism?
    That is the best way when you are starting out. Get some constructive criticism from other writers or even just potential readers. Most of us will give you some tips, if we can that is. You posted as I was replying or I missed it. Will give it a read through later and give you notes if there is anything to comment about.

    - - - - - - - - - - Double Post Merged - - - - - - - - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by DarthMol View Post
    I must admit, I didn't keep going in this thread, but this year I'll be finished with my studies so hopefully I can devote some time to writing again.

    Really happy for you [MENTION=4772]Spartan[/MENTION] it must feel tremendously satisfying to have completed the first draft. Best of luck for the edits and rewrites, may you remain strong through it all.
    Thanks man. It has not sunk in yet, probably only will once I unlock the achievement after release.

    "What's with the poop face?"

  3. #23
    iGame official representative Spartan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by oltman View Post
    Chapter 1 / Prologue

    The Agulhas current flowing on the Eastern shores of Africa brings the warm equatorial waters with it. The water is always a very comfortable temperature to swim in and as a result the coastal towns on the Northern coast of Kwa-Zulu Natal in South Africa is popular all year round. In the coldest of winters, the ocean can actually be quite freezing albeit the emergence from the water is often met with a South Western wind that convinces you the water is in fact a safe haven. You want to stay longer, swim more.

    That was not the pleasant thought in this bather's mind right now. The water was cold. The salt was burning his eyes. The sand was choking up his throat. None of that seemed to matter. Jack Davidson's biggest concern was getting the overweight Eastern man of his back. The man had his knee between the bather's shoulder blades, simultaneously pressing his torso down below the shallow waves, and positioning himself in such a manner that his victim's arms had not enough reach to get a hold and shove him off.

    Jack was a lanky man with stringy hair. He struggled for what seemed an eternity. His hands were frantically digging in the sand, reaching back towards the big weight on his shoulders, then digging in the sand again. Finally his hand struck a rock below the surface, cracking his nail backwards. It was another pain he did not feel. He dug harder, grabbing the submerged rock and with all his power pulled himself towards the rock. The big man on his back stumbled. For a moment Jack thought he was free. A relief flowed over him as he felt the weight fall off of him. He surged up towards air, towards life.

    Before his head emerged from the foamy waves, however, a blinding pain shot through his head. He saw the pain almost more than he felt it. A bright pain, surging from the back, then jumping to his forehead. It struck again on his head. Just before Jack Davidson lost consciousness he realised that his attacker was using his salvation rock as his murder weapon. And then everything was black.

    The big man of Chinese decent slowly stood up and looked around. The beach, though normally busy, even during this April autumn morning, was empty. The wind and rainy conditions kept any holiday goers indoors. He wiped his thick black hair out of his eyes and walked towards the lifesavers hut.

    No lights were visible and the solar film on the windows made it impossible to see through. The big black board below the elevated window had the surf conditions written on. Sunny and clear. Nobody has been bold enough to update today's forecast on the board. He had no choice but to get out, get away.

    Jo Lee has not had such a hard fight in years. He had to give the small South African respect, he fought like a terrier. Lee was a big burly man, and unlike every cliche in every Hollywood movie, knew nothing about martial arts. But he was experienced in survival. Often he would reach his survival much faster than he did today. This was too close.

    The current was holding him back. He struggled and fell down on his one knee. He got up and stepped out of the surf. The beach was even tougher to walk on. His denim jeans, made heavy from the water, his one shoe that still remains on his foot and a ripped shirt added to the intensity of the walk. He was now aware of the cut above his brow. Blood slowly dripped into his eye. He looked back at the body being pushed back and forth in the waves.

    As Lee walked past the tower, he glanced up, cautiosly looking for signs of life. The Willard Beach Life Saving Tower was still quiet. Looking forward between two rows of holiday flats he could finally see his car. Finally, he thought. I need dry clothes and I need to head back into Durban before it is too late. If I miss my chance to meet my target before the deadline, I will be the dead one.

    Time was running out. He had 3 days before South Africa became a truly free country. It was 24 April, 1994, and Nelson Mandela had to die.

    Written by me, Oltman Botha. Not to be copied. Please.
    Pretty good Oltman. Very interesting first chapter. Here are some tips I can give you:

    -Try to stick with a tense, jumping from present to past and back again confuses your reader. Mixing them up also detracts from your writing as a whole. Not that you did it a lot, just here and there.
    -In some places you can use more descriptive adjectives or adverbs, even verbs, to get your story across to the reader. here is an example - The current was holding him back - could be The mighty current, or the tiring pull of the current was holding him back.
    -Less is sometimes more. In places there is no need to give too much to the reader, they tend to fill in the blanks themselves. The part where Lee falls to his knee, does not have to be one knee, falling to his knee is more than enough. If you want you can write left or right knee, or give the knee a characteristic of itself. He fell to his aching right knee, grabbing it before he could muster the courage to rise. Something like that.
    -There are some grammatical mistakes, not many. Spelling error or two. But these things you do not have to bother yourself with now. Get your story on paper first. Errors can always be fixed in later drafts and editing. A good editor will catch most of the errors without you having to worry about it too much.

    Never skimp on that part of your writing, the editor. A good once over of your work before you send it out to the masses makes a world of difference on your sales and the quality of your work when a potential fan has to decide between your book and some other stranger's novel.

    Good luck dude. Send me a PM if you need any help. Ave seems to be AWOL, he could have given you some advice as well regarding the self publishing world. Even though I am also only starting, I have done extensive research on the matter and can provide you some guidance should you require it later on.

    I love the idea by the way. Nice concept if you pull the assassination idea off.

    "What's with the poop face?"

  4. #24
    iGame official representative Spartan's Avatar
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    Oh I almost forgot. [MENTION=2060]oltman[/MENTION]. No need to worry about Copyright. Anything you write down is automatically copyrighted by you. Check my first post regarding the disclaimer.

    "What's with the poop face?"

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spartan View Post
    Oh I almost forgot. [MENTION=2060]oltman[/MENTION]. No need to worry about Copyright. Anything you write down is automatically copyrighted by you. Check my first post regarding the disclaimer.
    Thanks for all the feedback! Really appreciate it! I have a nice idea on how the plot will be foiled, so historically the big events will all be accurate, but behind the scenes a lot will happen that never made it to the news!

    Anyway, again, thank you very much!

  6. #26
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    Hey [MENTION=2060]oltman[/MENTION] the passage initially didn't grab me but as I went along it got more and more interesting. Here's a random thought - I re-read the passage but only started from "The big man of Chinese decent slowly stood up and looked around..." and it actually made quite a compelling start to the book. Sometimes less is more, so not knowing Jack Davidson's name, or even the details on how he died gives things a bit of mystery - all you know is that there's a dead man floating in the waves. Also the focus is immediately on Jo Lee who comes across as an interesting character.

    Also some info that you may or may not know or find helpful. Under Apartheid Chinese people were considered black (as many know) but what I didn't know was the Japanese people qualified as white. I had a fascinating discussion with an old Chinese lady who was telling me about her younger days and how ridiculous the segregation was - most white people couldn't tell the difference between a Chinese person and a Japanese person. She once decided to ride on the white people's bus instead of the black bus just to see if the bus driver would even notice, he didn't but when she told her family about it they pleaded with her not to do it again in case she got herself into trouble.

    Maybe something to consider in terms of Jo Lee is how his being a "black" man impacts his feelings towards his mission to assassinate the man who stood against such discrimination. Feel free to borrow the anecdote about riding the white bus as part of his backstory if you want.

    Lastly, I second [MENTION=4772]Spartan[/MENTION] in saying stick to a tense. The sporadic jumps into present tense certainly break the flow.

  7. #27
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    Thanks [MENTION=3505]DarthMol[/MENTION]! Great tips and info!

    I wrote this not knowing if I will ever see it through. Who knows, maybe I will!

  8. #28
    Thread Killer Mk VIII czc's Avatar
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    I wrote this at some time when this thread was still fresh. It was my 'opening idea' so to say. Sadly I didn't continue.

    Too much had changed since the contract was given. No one said that accepting a contract to kill the King would be easy, or even straightforward. Liam sat contemplating the complexities while eying the hooded stranger sitting opposite him.
    “You probably want to get rid of that hood. With the Kings murder the entire guards company is searching for suspicious characters.” Liam pointed out.
    “You let me worry about that.”
    “I’ll have your deposit returned, seeing as I didn’t hold up my side of the contract.”
    “Stop!” The hooded figure stood, “I still want you to kill the King.”
    “What, the next king? He hasn’t even been chosen yet,” Liam was stunned, “What if it is someone you favour.”
    “That doesn’t concern me at all.” The hooded figure walked through the door and turned into the cold barely lit street.
    Liam got up and rushed out after the hooded contract giver. There was not a soul to be seen, the street was empty, as it would be at that time of night. Liam ran down the street checking the closest alley ways. There is no way the stranger could have gotten away from him that quickly, he thought. No way.
    T A N S T A A F L

  9. #29
    The Phantom Poet Saint_Dee's Avatar
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    [MENTION=4071]BeoTeK[/MENTION], I'm skulking around. This year is when interesting things happen

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saint_Dee View Post
    [MENTION=4071]BeoTeK[/MENTION], I'm skulking around. This year is when interesting things happen
    I damn well hope so bud, I quite enjoy your style and playfulness. Keep me posted, I look forward to hearing more...

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