the JOKE thread

[BlaZing]

> 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
>
> Lesson 1:
>
> A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her
> shower, when the doorbell rings.
>
> The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
>
> When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
>
> Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
> towel.'
>
> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
> naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
> leaves.
>
> The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
>
> When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ' Who was that?'
>
> 'It was Bob, the next door neighbor,' she replies.
>
> 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
> me?'
>
>
> Moral of the story:
> If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
> your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
> avoidable exposure.
>
>
> Lesson 2:
>
> A priest offered a Nun a lift.
>
> She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
>
> The priest nearly had an accident.
>
> After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>
> The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
>
> The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
> slide up
> her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father,
> remember Psalm 129?'
>
> The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
>
> Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
>
> On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
> It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
>
> Moral of the story:
> If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
> opportunity.
>
> Lesson 3:
>
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
> lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
>
> They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of
> you just one wish.'
>
>
> 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
> Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
> Poof! She's gone.
>
> 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
> relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
> Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
>
> 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
> The manager says, 'I want
> those two back in the office after lunch.'
>
> Moral of the story:
> Always let your boss have the first say.
>
> Lesson 4
>
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
>
> A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
> and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
>
>
> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested All of a
> sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>
> Moral of the story:
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
> up.
>
>
> Lesson 5
>
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to
> the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the
> energy.'
>
>
> 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
> bull.
> It's full of nutrients.'
>
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
>
> The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
> branch.
>
> Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
> top of the tree.
>
> He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
>
> Moral of the story:
> Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
>
> Lesson 6
>
> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
> bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
>
> While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
>
> As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
> realize how warm he was.
>
> The dung was actually thawing him out!
>
> He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
> passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
>
>
> Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
> dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
>
> Moral of the story:
> (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
>
> (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
>
> (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
>
>
> THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

[Weasley]

> 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
>
> Lesson 1:
>
> A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her
> shower, when the doorbell rings.
>
> The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
>
> When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
>
> Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
> towel.'
>
> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
> naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
> leaves.
>
> The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
>
> When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ' Who was that?'
>
> 'It was Bob, the next door neighbor,' she replies.
>
> 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
> me?'
>
>
> Moral of the story:
> If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
> your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
> avoidable exposure.
>
>
> Lesson 2:
>
> A priest offered a Nun a lift.
>
> She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
>
> The priest nearly had an accident.
>
> After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>
> The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
>
> The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
> slide up
> her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father,
> remember Psalm 129?'
>
> The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
>
> Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
>
> On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
> It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
>
> Moral of the story:
> If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
> opportunity.
>
> Lesson 3:
>
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
> lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
>
> They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of
> you just one wish.'
>
>
> 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
> Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
> Poof! She's gone.
>
> 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
> relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
> Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
>
> 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
> The manager says, 'I want
> those two back in the office after lunch.'
>
> Moral of the story:
> Always let your boss have the first say.
>
> Lesson 4
>
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
>
> A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
> and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
>
>
> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested All of a
> sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>
> Moral of the story:
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
> up.
>
>
> Lesson 5
>
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to
> the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the
> energy.'
>
>
> 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
> bull.
> It's full of nutrients.'
>
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
>
> The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
> branch.
>
> Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
> top of the tree.
>
> He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
>
> Moral of the story:
> Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
>
> Lesson 6
>
> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
> bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
>
> While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
>
> As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
> realize how warm he was.
>
> The dung was actually thawing him out!
>
> He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
> passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
>
>
> Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
> dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
>
> Moral of the story:
> (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
>
> (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
>
> (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
>
>
> THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

LOL +1 very nice

[sycogrim]

+10 this was brilliant

[wizdumb]

lmao

****

An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked:

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN), on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man (A INDIAN MAN). "Hmm .... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ....that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his reply." Well, out at my dad's FARM, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch & way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant.. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. "The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" He said.

Turning to the fourth and final man (A COLOURED MAN), the interviewer posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT , I had already kakked in my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB.................

[smokey]

A Jimmy Carr one-liner...

So, did you know that 99% of women kiss with their eyes closed... no? yes its absolutely true. then they wonder why so many rapes go unsolved.

--

more to follow...

[_Caboose_]

Have you ever wondered if the fifty rand note in your wallet or purse were

ever in a strippers G-string or butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day……………………….!

[sycogrim]

Have you ever wondered if the fifty rand note in your wallet or purse were

ever in a strippers G-string or butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day……………………….!

bwahahahahahahahahahaha..... thanks for that caboozer maybe i should smell it

[wizdumb]

for all the VW lovers :P

'n Man stop langs 'n dogtertjie wat terugstap huistoe na skool.
"As jy Inklim sal ek jou 'n suigstokkie gee."
Die dogtertjie hou net aan loop.
Die man ry stadig agter haar aan. Weer sê die man "As jy inklim Dan gee ek
Jou hierdie hele sak suigstokkies!"
Die dogtertjie draai om en sê:
"Pa, Ek het al hoeveel keer vir jou gesê, ek ry nie in die Golf
nie!!"

[wizdumb]

I bought a deodorant stick today
I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions
They said :

'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'

I'm in Casualty at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!!!

[_Caboose_]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs equate a walk to world exploration.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask , "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

and last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.