Man calls home.
“Your cat is dead,” says his brother.
“Well that’s a fine way to tell someone a terrible piece of news.”
“How else should I have said it?” Asks the brother.
“Well, I don’t know you could start by gently preparing me for bad news, say, the cat is stuck on the roof. Then in the next phone call you could say it doesn’t look good and that you’ve called the fire brigade. That way I would be prepared for the worst.”
“Oh okay.”
“So, how’s Mum?”
“Well…..she’s on the roof right now.”
Thought I'd post this here too ......
Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .. Oh my god!! What have I j ust said??"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female newscaster who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
- There is no proof any of us are even alive -
- - - -
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response which was:
'I Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
Blonde paint job - -
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
FMD!
Brilliant Christina
M
LoL. I must remember that.
hahaha, good one
another blonde joke, but this time a blonde guy joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Polony again! If I get a polony
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the polony and jumped to his
death
as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
Moenie na my kyk nie! Hy maak sy eie **** toebroodjies!!!!.
bwahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha.....Originally Posted by wizdumb
All it takes is ONE BAD DAY tO ReDuCe the SaNesT Man Alive To LuNaCy. That's How Far The World Is From Where I am. JUST ONE BAD DAY
Blog Entries . YouTube Channel and Playlists
Shadowfox's response to me in my failed attempts to annoy him
bwahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha.....
lol, i'm sure Dixie voted that i could one now, and not wait until 2013
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gateswhen all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?''Not to worry,' says St. Peter,'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.''I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.''You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.''Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that..
