the JOKE thread

[wizdumb]

Heard this on cod....

I broke up with my cross eyed girlfriend,I think she has been seeing someone else

lmao, good one

****

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a
parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 73 years old and you're going to start
jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a
Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a
week!

[_Caboose_]

http://capetown.gumtree.co.za/c-Stuf...AdIdZ251088008

[shadowfox]

http://capetown.gumtree.co.za/c-Stuf...AdIdZ251088008

LAWL. Windows XP with 256MB of RAM. OMG!! I'll dieeeeeeeee!!!! 0.0

[_Caboose_]

Bwahahaha its been taken off bwahahaha!

[DenSweeP]

1) Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing
2) Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack
3) Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
4) Yo mamma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
5) Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
6) Yo mama so fat she wore a yellow raincoat and people yelled "Taxi!"
7) Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
8) Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her.
9) Yo mama so fat her beeper went off and people thought she was backing up.
10) Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
11)Yo mama is so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.
12)Yo Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct.
13)Yo Mama is so fat, when she told me her weight I thought it was her phone number.
14)Yo mama is so fat, when she steps on a scale it says: To be continued
15)Yo mama is so fat, when you walk around her you get lost.

[Raven Gold]

2, 4, 12 and 14.

I've met quite a few girls (good looking as well) from the internet.

Just a pity all their names end in .jpg or .avi

[Strategist01]

2, 4, 12 and 14.

I've met quite a few girls (good looking as well) from the internet.

Just a pity all their names end in .jpg or .avi

<Arbe> there's this really pretty girl at college
<Arbe> all her friends hate me though
<Arbe> with good reason
<Arbe> what do i do???
<xpCynic> look for someone else
<~blackhole89> Download a girl ending in .jpg instead
<Arbe> will she keep me warm at night?
<~blackhole89> get a laptop
<Arbe> and tell me that the future doesn't matter?
<~blackhole89> with speakers

[Raven Gold]

Working in the IT Services Industry :

1. We work in weird shifts and weird hours... Like prostitutes

2. They pay you to make the client happy... Like a prostitute

3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every penny... Like a prostitute

4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams... Like a prostitute

5. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the same profession as you... Like a prostitute

6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed..... Like a prostitute

7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell... Like a prostitute

8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you... Like a prostitute

9. When people ask you about your Job, you have difficulties to explain it... Like a prostitute

10. Every day when you wake up, you say: I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE DOING THIS"..... Like a prostitute

If IT services is like being a hooker, than Data Security is like being a dominatrix, they're paying me to tie them up.

[wizdumb]

I went bass fishing this morning at Groendal Dam, but after a while I ran out of bait.
Then I saw a puffadder with a dead lizard in its mouth.
Lizards are good bait for bass.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the lizard in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the lizard, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Klipdrift and poured a little brandy into its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, and he went limp. I then released him without incident and carried on fishing, using the lizard as bait.


A little while later, I felt a nudge against my foot.
I looked down and there was that same snake with two more lizards in its mouth.

[tpex]

ROFL! hahahahahahahahahahaha!