the JOKE thread

[bezuim]

Two best friends, Joe and Bob, decide to end a tough week by hitting the bars Friday evening. Unfortunately, neither of them have much money.

Concerned, Bob asks Joe, "This sucks, I wanna get drunk, but we only have $4 between the two of us." Ever resourceful, Joe reassures his friend and suggests they go to the local butcher shop.

"Are you stupid? We have very little money to begin with!" demands Bob.

"Just trust me - give me your money" replies Joe. Bob agrees, and Joe enters the shop. A few minutes later he comes out with a Bratwurst sausage and says to his friend, "Ok Bob, let's go!". With a shrug, Bob agrees and the two head off to a bar.

The two order a couple pints of beer and just as they finish the beer, Bob starts to get nervous. "How are we gonna pay for this beer, Joe? We spent all of our money on that damn sausage!"

Joe replies, "Relax. Here's the deal. I'm gonna put the Bratwurst sausage in my pants, and you need to get on your knees and start sucking it." Bob laughs, and figures it's worth a shot. So they go ahead and do it, right in front of everyone at the bar.

The bartender sees this and nearly blows his top, and shouts at the two: "Get the hell out of my bar!!"

The two friends leave the bar and break out in laughter, amazed that the plan worked. "That's brilliant Joe! It totally worked!"

Joe cooly replies, "Well, that's just the beginning, my friend! Let's go hit the other bars!" So off they go to a countless number of bars, successfully pulling off the same stunt at each to avoid paying.

Finally, after the two are very drunk, Bob slurs to Joe: "I don't think I can do this anymore! My knees are so sore and I can barely think!"

Joe replies: "How do you think I feel? I can't remember which bar I lost the sausage at!"

I overflow with lafter at this submission.

[Wenzdayz]

Another Golden Oldie

A young couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower."The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."

"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of beans and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate . It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church"

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Checkers either."

[Raven Gold]

Another Golden Oldie

A young couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower."The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."

"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of beans and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate . It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church"

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Checkers either."

XD POFROTFLMFAOOL!!

Thats one of those jokes that makes you repeat the punchline to yourself over and over again.

[morganzola]

i got one for you it's tooo Funny!!! LOL

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke that window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SH~T.." He said, "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

[crazydude]

I found this on Shine 2010, it would be funny if it weren't true:

Carlos Parreira and Joel Santana are having a conversation.

Parreira: Joel, stop sitting around and starving in Brazil, there's a place in Africa with plenty of moola and the football association is a bunch of people who will pay you whatever you want and believe whatever you say.

Santana: How much are we talking about?

Parreira: Around R1.5 mil a month....

Santana: You lie....get out of here! I thought Africa was a third world continent?

Parreira: Yep that's what I thought too, but hey, these guys are crazy. And they think they are rich.

Santana: You're getting me excited now, but how will I get my hands on this dough?

Parreira: mmmmm..... How well do you know soccer, cousin? Because, I was thinking you can come take my place as a coach of their national team, I miss home and I've had my share already...

Santana: Er, soccer? I watch it every now and then.

Parreira: Ahhhh, that should do. We can even say you've coached a small local team before...and I'll recommend you, too.

Santana: But we are talking about a national team here, not just any local team!?

Parreira: Don't worry, leave all that to me...

Santana: But don't you have a contract with them already?

Parreira: So what? I can always say my wife is sick and needs my support.

Santana: Fair enough. Oh one last thing.... I just met this woman and I really like her, I just can't leave her.

Parreira: Can she speak English?

Santana: She watches Santa Barbara and she said to me this morning 'happy morning'...

Parreira: Perfect! She can go to SA with you. We'll say she's your interpreter so she can also earn some money from SAFA.

Santana: You're kidding me... will they fall for it?

Parreira: It won't be a problem...

Santana: What if I want to come back home before my contract expires?

Parreira: Don't worry you will not stay there for long, no one ever does. The team loses all the time and the public blames the coach...

Santana: Hahahahaha... let me go do my visa and passport right away.

[wizdumb]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it
whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in
sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,
then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it
out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He
asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them
out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything
in sight, but ever since he had to **** out that cue ball, he measures
everything first."

[JackBauer]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a
while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue
of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,"said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long
enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,
"Would you like a drink? It's on the house."

"No, thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"Well, sister," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts
the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that
drink?"

[JackBauer]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well..'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim , you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

[JackBauer]

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/women
Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

************************************************** ***

At 8

You take her to bed and tell her a story

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At 18

You tell her a story and take her to bed

****************************** ************************************************** ***

At 28

You don't need to tell her a story
To take her to bed

****************************** ************************************************** ***

At 38

She tells you a story and takes you to bed

****************************** ************************************************** ***

At 48

She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

****************************** ************************************************** ***

At 58

You stay in bed to avoid her story

****************************** ************************************************** ***

At 68

If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

****************************** ************************************************** ***

At 78

What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?

****************************** ************************************************** ***

According to the
Office for National Statistics

190,374
People are having sex right now

212,130
Are kissing

And one poor soul
Is reading this

You hang in there sunshine!

[HANDsolo]

Your mama so stoopid, she thought the Amazing Race was a reality show about the Arian Brotherhood! Yo.