I like the adverts for games consoles; everyone is always so happy.
But for once I'd like a realistic advert. I propose an advert containing an overweight/pale & skinny man hurling a controller at the wall and calling the game a cheating cunt.
I like the adverts for games consoles; everyone is always so happy.
But for once I'd like a realistic advert. I propose an advert containing an overweight/pale & skinny man hurling a controller at the wall and calling the game a cheating cunt.
There is a Hell, Believe me, I've seen it. If there was a Heaven, I'd keep it a secret
Playstation Network. About as useful as a toaster with a high powered graphics card.
There is a Hell, Believe me, I've seen it. If there was a Heaven, I'd keep it a secret
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
Was sitting opposite an attractive Thai woman in the train thinking "don't get an erection, don't get an erection!". But she did...
THE F.B.I.
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. "Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
so a girl told me this one this morning
****
what is the difference between light and hard?
you can sleep with the light on
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the
two words "complete" and "finished" in a way that's so easy to
understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but
there is:
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are .....
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
Van Der Merve jokes!
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A Priest was seated next to Van Der Merwe on a flight to Brakpan.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
Van Der Merwe asked for a Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed
before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."
Van Der Merwe then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me
too, I didn't know we had a choice."
------------------------
Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.
"It's for my wife."
"But why isn't she here?"
"She died."
"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"
"They've all gone to the funeral."
--------------------------
There was a German, an Italian and Van der Merwe on death row.The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
Then it was Van der Merwe turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and Van der Merwe fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy
Then Van der Merwe said, "Give me another one of those shots,"so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
Van der Merwe replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."
--------------------------------
Van der Merwe goes to Paris to watch the Boks take on the Brits at the world cup.
Whilst in Paris, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything - so much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that he has to be rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.
Van goes berserk, he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.
He walks up to Van and tells him "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou knaters uithaal."
Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."
------------------------
A boer went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he
told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied. He hurried home, took
a shower, changed his clothes and combed his hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied.
"Bliksem, he recognized me," he thought. So he went for a complete disguise this time,
haircut and new color, shaved off the baard, suit and tie, fake glasses, then waited a few days
before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell
to boere," the salesman replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "Jislaaik, man! How do you know
I'm a boer?" "Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.
--------------------------------
Van der Merwe went to Australia on vacation. One day he was sitting in one of the Outback
pubs in the North-West of WA drinking Emu Export. As he finished his third, Crocodile
Dundee came and sat next to him at the bar. Being a skeptical person by nature, Van stared at
this guy from head to toe, and at the toe his eyes got stuck. He looked up at Dundee and said:
"Hey, lekker boots my bra. What kind is these, huh??" Croc Dundee: "Hey mate, they're croc
boots" Van: "They don't look broken to me man!" Croc Dundee: "They're crocodile boots,
drongo!" Van: "Oh! Where can I get some?" Croc Dundee: "You just go down to the river and
get yourself a crocodile, mate, and then you got some boots!" Van thought this was a great
idea so he finished his beer and strolled down to the river. Without hesitation he walked into
the river about waist height and started hitting the water with the flat of his hand. Meanwhile,
back at the pub the guys were all standing at the verandah watching this spectacle. About 5
minutes passed when a crocodile floating nearby responded to Van's racket. As he
approached, Van turned around and leaped at the crocodile, literally attacking him. The others
on the porch couldn't believe what they were seeing. An hour had passed when Van finally
grabbed the crocodile in a typical "boere" death grip and dragged him out onto the riverbank.
Before letting go, Van gave the poor croc another couple of punches on the nose. The croc
was out like a candle. Van was soaked in blood, more of the croc's than his own, but nonethe-
less, he was still hurt badly. Van laid the croc down and with an enormous effort he
managed to roll the croc over. He stared down at the croc for what seemed to be ages, before
finally looking up at the very surprised crowd on the porch, and said: "Just my luck, a
crocodile without boots!"
----------------------------
Van's two 18-year-old twin daughters Hettie and Betty are helping Ma van der Merwe
redecorate. They're about to paint a bedroom when Ma sticks her head round the door and
tells them not to get any paint on their dresses. So the girls decide to paint the room in the
nude. Some time later there's a knock on the door. "Who's there?", asks Hettie. "Blind man",
comes the answer. The girls look at each other and decide it can do no harm to let him in.
Betty opens the door and in walks a bloke with a bundle under his arm. "Nice boobs," says the
guy. "Where do you want the blinds?"
The singularity is about to explode! Weapons are at maximum.
What does everyone have against gingers? I mean they aren't even real people- isn't that enough for them to bear?
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps The mum!
