the JOKE thread

[wizdumb]

If the first internet chat posts had been all caps, we'd be typing in all caps and if someone uses lower case, we'd say "STOP WHISPERING."

[Stefanie Fourie]

An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting In a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there Looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red From an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: 'That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl And got slapped.'
The Aussie is thinking: 'Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to Kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead.'
The beautiful girl is thinking: 'That Aussie must have moved to kiss me, But kissed the old lady instead and got slapped.'
The Afrikaner guy is thinking: 'If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and m03r that Aussie again!'

[wizdumb]

how do you know the girl you are dating is to young for you?


when you have to make airplane noises when you want to stick your penis in her mounth

[Sester93]

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

[Frederik Mundey]

Here are some Afrikaans jokes for you guys. Hopefully I don't get banned for posting dirty jokes.

Cheap booze
'n Man loop by 'n pub in en bestel 'n bier.
"Skerlik" tune die barman "dit sal een sent wees"
"Een sent?!", vra die man en die barman beaam dit.
Die man check die pub se menu uit: "Kan ek asseblief 'n t-bone steak met chips kry?"
"No worries" tune die barman weer "dit sal vyf sent wees"
Die ou kan dit nie glo nie: "Vyf sent? Is jy mal? Waar is die eienaar van hierdie plek?"
Barman: "By my huis, besig om met my chick te doen wat ek besig is om met sy besigheid te doen"

Oppitotti
Drie couples is uitgepass by Oppikoppi in twee tente. Die chicks in die een tent en die ouens in die ander tent. Drie uur die oggend skrik een van die ouens half deur die kak wakker: "Fok, ek moet my chick gaan kry! Ek het sopas wakker geword met die grootste fokken boner ooit!"
"Kan ek saamkom?" vra sy een tjommie
"Is jy fokken mal? Hoekom sal ek dit nou toelaat?"
Buddy: "Want dis my fokken piel wat jy daar vashou daar!"

Skollies
Drie skollies is oppad tronk toe in 'n bus. Elkeen van hulle is een item toegelaat om tjoekie te vat om hulleself mee besig te hou. Hulle sit en chat oor wat hulle elkeen saamgebring het.
Die eerste skollie tune: "So ek het vir my 'n verfstel gekies sodat ek my skills kan oefen. Die dag as fokof uit die tronk uit gaan ek my paintings by Hatfield vlooimark swing" Hy draai na die tweede skollie en vra: "So wat het jy ingepak?"
Tweede skollie: "Fok. Ek het maar net 'n pak kaarte ingepak om solitaire te speel. Ek sien nou dit was 'n fokken kak move"
Hy draai na die derde skollie toe: "Wat het jy ingepak, my blaar?"
Die derde skollie tune: "Hierdie moerse boks tampons"
"TAMPONS?!", skree die ander twee gelyk verbaas uit
Derde skollie: "Ja, volgens die boks kan ek perdry, rollerblade, trampoline spring, swem…"

Boereraat
Twee boere loop deur 'n veld. Een van die boere hurk by 'n bol beeskak, druk sy vingers daarin en smeer dit oor sy lippe.
"Sif ou, hoekom de fok doen jy dit?", vra die tweede boer.
"Ek het gebarste lippe" antwoord hy terug.
"So help dit daarvoor?" vra die eerste een weer.
"Nee, maar dit keer dat ek my lippe aflek"

Blondes
'n Blond en 'n rooikop sit en tee drink by Mugg & Bean en die rooikop sien toevallig hoe haar boyfriend by die blommewinkel inloop.
Rooikop: "Ag fok, my boyfriend koop alweer vir my blomme!"
Blond: "Hou jy nie daarvan om blomme te kry nie?"
Rooikop: "Ek like blomme, maar daar is altyd expectations na die tyd. Ek is nie lus om die volgende week op my rug te spandeer nie"
Blond: "Shame liefie, het jy nie 'n blompot nie?"

Bloubul, Lions en Sharks
'n Bull supporter, Shark supporter en 'n Lions supporter kuier op 'n plaas van 'n vriend en sit die aand om die kampvuur met so paar brannas. Dis nie lank nie, of hulle begin hulle groot stories uit te ruk oor hulle vorige besoeke aan die vriend plaas.
Die Bloubul supporter begin: " Laasjaar hier op Frik se plaas het daai gevaarlike bul uit die kamp uitgekom en 'n groep toeriste bestorm. Ek het hom by so horings gepak en grond toe gevat en hom gestoei tot hy flou en mak was."
Die Shark supporter antwoord terug: "Dis fokol, net laasweek het 'n mamba Frik se kinders skrik gemaak hier agter die kraalmuur. Ek het vinnig tussen die kinders en die slang ingespring, hom gegryp en sy kop afgebyt en al sy gif uitgesuig. En hier sit ek nog vandag!"
Die Lion supporter het eenkant stil by die vuur gesit en die kole rondgekrap met sy piel.

[Sick Boy]

How do you loose 50kg off usless fat - get a divorce

[pippa81]

My wife was watching a cooking show the other day.

I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."...

[Vegeta ZA]

Mkhize is buying a TV and asks "Do you have colour TVs?"

"Sure" says the assistant.

Mkhize replies "Give me a green one, please."
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Mkhize calls SAA. "How long does it take to fly to New York ?"

Let me check 4 you "Just a sec" says the rep.

"Thank you" says Mkhize and hangs up.

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Mkhize was filling in an application form for a job.

He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.

Then he came to the column SALARY EXPECTED: He was not sure as to what
to be filled here. After much thought he wrote "Yes!"

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Mkhize goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk,
"What is that shiny object?"

The clerk replies "That is a thermos flask."

Mkhize then asks "What does it do?"

The clerk responds "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things
cold.

Mkhize says "I'll take it!"

The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His boss, Mr
Sibiya sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?" He said,
"It's a thermos." The boss then says "What does it do?"

He replies "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The boss said "Wow, what do you have in it?"

Mkhize replies "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

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Why did 18 of Mkhize's family members go to a movie?

Because under 18 was not allowed.

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To lose weight the doctor told Mkhize to run eight kilometers a day
for 300 days.

After 300 days Mkhize called the doctor to report he had lost the
weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I'm 2400 Kms away from home."
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Having lost his donkey Mkhize got down to his knees and started

Thanking God.

A passer-by saw him and asked "Your donkey is missing; what are you
thanking God for?"

Mkhize replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't
riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Mkhize got his 4th child.. He fills data in the birth certificate...

Mother: Xhosa.

Father: Zulu

Kid: Chinese.

"How come you write 'Chinese' when both parents are Black?"

"Aah" says Mkhize "I read in a newspaper that every 4th person born
in the world now is Chinese!"
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Mkhize with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him
what had happened to his ears and he answered.

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the
phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." The
doctor then asked:
"What about the other ear?" Mkhize answered: " The damn idiot called
again

[dizz16]

Q: How do you know if you are leading a sad life??

A: If a nymphomaniac tells you that she only wants to be friends....

[Vegeta ZA]

Oh Julias

MALEMA: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
MALEMA : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is the final.


MALEMA comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment'

How do you recognize MALEMA in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.

Once MALEMA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.

MALEMA is in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

MALEMA : Why are all these people running?
Commentator: This is a race, the winner will get the cup
MALEMA: If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
MALEMA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

MALEMA says to his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
MALEMA : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

MALEMA is in the accounting-class. The teacher asked the pupils to write something about Income Tax.
MALEMA wrote: I have a dog. His name is Tax. He was outside, and when I opened the door, Income Tax.