Dear Gearbox Software/anyone else who cares to adopt that bastard child,
While some gamers may be frantically searching for new underpants elastic at the very thought of Duke Nukem Forever (DNF) finally seeing the light of day, I for one am somewhat less than aroused. In fact, to continue the tenuous sexual metaphor, I’m fairly certain that the release of gaming’s most famous piece of vapourware is remarkably akin to losing one’s virginity: After years of patient waiting and endlessly refining and pruning the perfect image of what the magical act will be like, it’ll be a bitter disappointment when one realises that the awesomeness of the actual event was massively overestimated, and everyone involved, quite simply, ended up just getting screwed.
It’s a remarkable thing, hype, especially amongst gamers. We slaver over cobbled-together FMV sequences of games years before their release; we pre-order our collector’s editions months before titles have gone gold; we blindly place our trust in development studios because of their track record (Daikatana, anyone?); and we feed each other’s cravings by word of mouth, LAN parties and the Interwebs. Are we the kind of people you’re willing to risk disappointing?
Now, I’m not saying DNF is going to bomb horrifically. (Well, I am, but only later down the page.) I do think though that no matter how many polygons Duke sports or how many corny, revolting or misogynistic one-liners he spouts, nothing can ever live up to 14 years of hype: You know you have to be careful when one of the biggest motivators in game purchases happens to be the main thing working against you.
On top of being the gaming industry leper, DNF is built on a franchise that is long past its sell-by date. Riding the last bit of the wave from the era of countless buddy cop and Bruce Willis action flicks, Duke rocked us with manly weapon-wielding while cussing and throwing money at strippers, but judging by today’s titles it’s clear that we’ve evolved beyond games built solely on such frivolity. Granted, in-game violence has reached near vomit-inducing levels, and we scarcely bat our square eyelids when Kratos shags Aphrodite in front of lesbo handmaidens, but surely these are mere additions indicative of how much less puritanical we’ve become as a society in general rather than the foundation for a solid shooter?
It’s also fairly obvious that you can only dangle the carrot in front of the donkey for so long before it bucks you off, ignores the fallen carrot and goes off to play Call of Duty instead. Gamers in general do not like their emotions toyed with (we are, after all, talking about a lifestyle rather than a hobby for many people), and having DNF coyly taunting us with the occasional screenshot or random bit of ‘in-game’ footage when we know it ain’t gonna put out is just plain cruel, especially when it well knows how fondly we cling to our beloved Duke Nukem memories.
And is all this worth tarnishing your solid reputation (I’m looking at you specifically, Gearbox) after the rather good Borderlands and successful Brothers in Arms franchise? I for one am keen to play Borderlands 2 from the studio that proudly and excitedly built on the original, not Borderlands 2 from the studio that now has to compensate for their newfound bad rep and pay damages for letting down a planet full of jilted gamers. Geez, you’d think the dissolution of 3D Realms would be incentive enough.
I think Gearbox Software and anyone else feeling all Brangelina and wanting to adopt the runt of the FPS litter should take a moment to consider just how little good could possibly come from this situation. Unless you’ve got a cool game mechanic that’d work well slapped on any old vanilla shooter (Timeshift, anyone?), average gameplay but trouser-tightening graphics (Crysis, anyone?), or you’re planning on releasing your disasterpiece as a free download complete with appropriately apologetic Hallmark card in the collector’s edition, I’d suggest that you alter the aforementioned acronym accordingly to read Do Not Finish.
Thanks.
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