So, Halo: Reach launched Tuesday, and true gamers everywhere basically haven’t slept since. It’s just that awesome. And it’s several infinities more awesome than whatever anyone else is playing, having desperately managed to convince themselves it’s somehow better. How’s that? Well…
5. Xbox LIVE is almost exclusively populated by obnoxious, pre-adolescent Special Needs students
But that’s better than bossy clantards on SAIX and PS3 gamers in general. I mean, I haven’t played Little Big Kill Resistancezone 2, but I know Halo: Reach is better, even though PS3 gamers who haven’t played Halo: Reach would obviously disagree. Besides, Little Big Kill Resistancezone 2 is rubbish.
4. Jetpacks
Halo: Reach is the first and only game ever to feature jetpacks, ever ever. Any other game you might’ve played that appears to feature jetpacks, doesn’t. What you think are jetpacks are, in fact, the result of fraudulent developers having travelled to the future (well, now), stolen the concept, then returned to their own time, and shamelessly presented it as their own. It’s so obvious, it’s amazing I even have to point it out.
3. It’s really realistic, so it’s really hardcore
Lots of people have complained about the “floaty” physics in Halo games, but in a recent survey, 106% of respondents said it’s actually much more realistic than pressing a mouse button to pretend to fire a P90. According to the official Federal Alliance Gaming Index, the more realistic a game is, the more hardcore it is. Which pretty much makes Halo: Reach the most hardcore game ever.
2. It has a totally epic story
In a genre synopsis of “seemingly interminable sequences of faceless men shooting guns at each other for no apparent reason, despite some nebulous sense of profound purpose”, Halo: Reach replaces “some nebulous sense of profound purpose” with “something about a planet or something”. It’s a significant step forward for FPS narrative, and a triumph by its own right.
1. The Grunt Birthday Party modifier
In a genre exemplified by vulgar, gratuitous displays of unremitting carnage, Halo: Reach includes the option to instantly transform death into a philanthropic celebration, complete with cheers and an explosion of confetti. No Grunt falls without tender remembrance, and a poignant reminder of the brittle mortality we all must embrace one day.
So while all those people who take everything too seriously, stopped reading at “true gamers”, and immediately began compiling furious rejoinders with no sense of irony whatsoever get on with that, I’ll also mention that Xbox LIVE is hosting a free Halo: Reach weekend for all Silver account holders. So if you own Halo: Reach, but don’t have a Gold subscription – now’s your chance to get teabagged. My gamertag’s nXtrmS, so if you bump into me in matchmaking, say hello before shotgunning me in the face.
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