5 ways game developers troll you

Sometimes while playing games, you come across some things that make you wonder “what the hell were they thinking?” – and only after some pondering does it occur to you that some developer, somewhere, is sitting with this look on his face:

When reading through the points below, always remember this expression – and realise that even though you’ve been duped in some way, the devs don’t really care, because they’re sitting on heaps of money, surrounded by hookers.

Here are 5 ways game developers troll us:

By giving us the same game and hoping we don’t notice

I’m not going to describe this one, I’ll just leave these pictures here.

But wait! There’s more…

I know it looks like I’m singling out Activision here, but trust me, it happens all over.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

By making us work for nothing

What the hell possesses us to find every damn collectable in a game? Sometimes we get in-game rewards, or unlock some additional content – but usually it’s all for one thing: Gamer points and/or trophies.

But here’s the thing – they are essentially meaningless.

Sure, some Achievements are fun to get, and provide a bit of an additional challenge to some titles; but think back to the time before they even existed: would you have really spent an extra X amount of hours in a game, killing hundreds of chickens just for the hell of it?

Of course not. (For most people, anyway)

Through Achievements and Trophies, developers essentially get gamers to spend more time in their games – for nothing more than a few additional numbers that provide no legitimate return of value – other than bragging rights that, when used, kinda just make everyone think you’re a douchebag.

By making us lose, even when we win

Narrative plays a big role in a lot of games, but sometimes it feels like developers are simply against you every step of the way; unraveling everything you’ve worked so hard for.

Take Nathan Drake, for example – the poor guy has enough bad luck as it is, what with almost dying all the time; but to add to his woes – every time he makes any progress, uncovers a clue, or makes it to an artifact after risking his life numerous times – the bad guy pops up in a cutscene and goes “lol, I’ll take that, thanks.”

Really, devs? I get it, you’re trying to create the sense of antagonism, but you know what? If I were Nate, I’d simply hang around, wait for the bad guys to risk *their* lives to get the thingy and then *I* would jump out of the shadows with a gun.

"Here's the plan: we risk our necks to get the artifact, then get caught unawares by the enemy and get blackmailed into handing it over - got that?"

By blatantly disregarding all logic

There’s nothing in the big book of game rules that says games have to subscribe to the laws of physics, or even what we consider to be logical solutions to problems. In fact, we as gamers should learn to embrace developers who stray from the norm (see number 1 for a bad example of this) and try new approaches.

However, logic is bound to the world you create – and some developers simply take the piss.

You are Dovahkiin, Dragonborn! Your shouts shake the earth and make mountains quake in your presence! This locked chest here doesn’t stand a chance.

FUS-ROH-D-hey, why aren’t you breaking?

But Skyrim is a big game, I hear you say, and all that locked stuff is part of the game world etcetera – fine, but I do draw the line when a game hands you an axe, which you then proceed to use to hack wooden boards that are barring access to a door.

And then you get told the door is locked and you can’t access it, lol.


*blink blink*

By making Michael Phelps: Push the limit

This gets its own section simply because I refuse to believe someone actually made this game and wasn’t laughing the entire time.

Seriously. Just look at how the people in this trailer struggle to keep in character – even Phelps is all “guys, wtf is this”. [Warning, contains digital speedos]

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5 ways game developers troll you

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