As we all know, being a male gamer makes you irresistible to women. The fairer sex finds us incredibly attractive and alluring, but are afraid to approach us, mostly because they do not know how to handle our awesomeness.
I am sure we could sit here all day telling stories about how we had to beat women away with our wireless keyboards, PlayStation controllers, and even Xbox remotes.
Nintendo fans, your omission was not accidental. No one has ever kept relentless females at bay with a Wii nunchuk. If you are playing Wii with a girl you are already in the friend zone.
The problem with the throngs of fawning fans is that a lot of their energy and intentions are misdirected, which can lead to frustration and long pause times in games.
To solve this problem, I have put together a quick guide for those out their who are looking to get, and keep, the attention of a super-cool gamer.
Please note that as a heterosexual male I am only able to provide advice to heterosexual females. I encourage others of different genders and sexual orientation to give their insight in the comments and forum.
Now then, let’s begin.
This is what I look like in my head
Following instructions when we game and using common sense
Being able to take instruction and being a team player is important in making your relationship work. Also, just use your noggin – it’s easy.
For example, when we play Battlefield 4 together and we are in the tank as a pair, I drive the tank and control the main cannon while you are on the .50 cal. Do not point the .50 in the same direction as I point the tank gun, this leaves us vulnerable and defeats the purpose of having two people in the tank.
You will watch my six for Snipers with C4, the tops of buildings for RPGs, and windows for those laser painting us. You will pick the engineer class so you can repair the tank if it gets damaged. Oh, you have to get out the tank if it gets damaged, I will stay inside where it is safe.
When we play a fast-paced FPS together, you will run in front of me when we advance into enemy territory and absorb whatever bullets, landmines, and missiles are directed at me. If I find a sniper’s nest, you will stand behind me and protect me from being stabbed in the back with a hunting knife.
Also, you will kill anyone who attempts to teabag me after I die. Failure to do this will result in you being asked to leave, never to return.
The dreaded teabag
Watching me play games
When you are at my house watching me play games – not playing with me, just watching – and I say: “did you see that”, or “how epic was that kill” you will respond with “yes”.
Even if you saw nothing or do not know what I am talking about, you will be enthusiastic and attentive.
If you did see what happened and were not impressed – this is highly unlikely – you will pretend to be blown away, and go on to tell me how awesome I am.
Talking about my spending habits
You cannot talk about how much I spend on games, my console, or my PC. If it is ever brought up, you will be asked to leave, never to return.
Making food
Food is very important in keeping a gamer happy, and is vital to his success in whatever title he tackles. Keeping hydrated is equally important.
Contrary to popular belief, we like, and want, more than a bucket of KFC or warmed up pizza from the night before. Gamers like healthy, wholesome food, made of the freshest ingredients.
Part of the courtship will involve you making delicious meals of a great variety. Before you do, there some ground rules, though:
- Cheese must be cut with a potato peeler. If the slices are not consistent in thickness and length, you will be asked to leave, never to return.
- Do not even think of getting Beacon chocolates as a snack (Unless they are the hard, white Easter eggs). Nestle is as low as we will go.
- I am really glad you find MasterChef interesting, but don’t put garlic and parsley on my fried eggs while you are cooking them. You are not a chef, and it tastes disgusting.
- A mix of carbonated and non-carbonated beverages must be on hand at all times.
Your attentiveness will not require you to wipe my brow if it is burdened by sweat from my profuse efforts. Neither will you be required to bring a bed pan South Park style when Cartman plays World of Warcraft. I am strict, but I am also fair.
However, if I did ask you to do this, you would say yes.
Bathroom! Bathroom!
I will not play The Sims with you
Seriously, I am not playing The Sims with you. Also, Clash of Clans is not a game – using its as credentials to try and impress me will only be frowned upon.
We like series and movies, and their memorabilia
I like Star Wars and Batman. Some gamers like Star Trek, Firefly, the Marvel Universe, DC Comics productions, and so on. These movies, and possible series based on the movies, will be watched and enjoyed. You will not talk during the viewings.
Having memorabilia from the aforementioned worlds is acceptable, and proudly displaying these items for all to see is something that should be encouraged. For example, my Darth Vader wall clock will feature on the lounge’s main wall.
My Darth Vader desk lamp will light the room as you make my bed, and my Darth Vader toaster will supply you with cooked bread when you make my breakfast.
I also like “regular series”, like South park, Breaking Bad, Family Guy, American Dad, East Bound and Down, Workaholics, and so on. You may laugh, on occasion, while we watch these.
Gaming fantasies are acceptable
I am allowed to comment on how attractive female characters from Final Fantasy are, and you can not object or be upset. You will also never speak ill of Lara Croft.
You are not allowed to comment on how attractive male characters are in any game. Doing so will result in you being asked to leave, never to return.
Cosplay
You may be required to buy/make a Catwoman outfit and wear it around the house.
If you look like this, please mail me.
That’s lesson one, and it’s on the house. Now go forward and satisfy your gaming partner.
Note: this column is incredibly misogynistic and is not at all how anyone should treat a potential partner. For the safety of you and those around you, please do not try this at home. Kevin is single and lives alone, his only friend is his Star Wars clock, and the last time he successfully “chatted up” a girl was in 2011. It ended badly.
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