Grinding for XP, new weapons, or a greater mana stat is hard work – and is made even harder by the fact that you are probably not training and eating properly for the game you are playing.
Oh, you thought you could eat whatever you want and do no exercise and still perform well in a game? That’s not how it works, newb.
Good thing you’ve stumbled across this article then, because it is going to change your gaming life.
What many of you may not know is that I once met Professor Tim Noakes – and even shook his hand – which automatically makes me an authority on all health matters: specifically when it comes to diet and exercise.
See, the problem with most gamers is that they do not adjust their eating and workout plan when they change gaming titles and genres. This can lead to fatigue, lack of concentration, and painful cases of genital warts.
Fortunately, after years of gaming across platforms and genres, and eating almost every take-away meal known to man, I have amassed a treasure trove of gaming nutrition knowledge.
Knowledge which I will now share with you.
Gaming Health Plans
Like I mentioned earlier, each type of game has specific dietary and exercise requirements if you wish to perform optimally. Due to the vast number of games on the market, though, it is difficult to provide a comprehensive plan for every MyGaming reader.
As this is the case, I have chosen five recently/soon to be released games and given a detailed breakdown of what you will need to do and eat to be super gamer number one.
Grand Theft Auto 5
GTA 5 is an open-world behemoth, and requires you to have the stamina of a migrating wildebeest.
In terms of food you have to take in lots of carbohydrates and protein to ensure you have the sufficient fuel to make it through a long session, and the amino acids and nutrients to keep your body from breaking down.
The perfect meal to satisfy these requirements is a Steers cheese burger combo with a can of Iron Brew. The beef patty and cheese contain all the necessary protein, while the roll and chips have the carbs your body will desperately need. The Iron Brew, obviously, provides the iron your muscles need to stay strong.
If you are unable to get to a Steers, then a plate of bacon will work just as well.
When it comes to exercise its all about cardio and endurance. Practice holding down objects with your thumbs and index fingers for prolonged periods of time – such as a toddler’s hand during a thumb war.
Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare
You need the reflexes of a tiger on ecstasy and the energy levels of an 8-year-old kid who just ate 3 packets of jelly beans if you want to stay alive in this game.
The fast-paced horizontal and lateral movements combined with the need to shoot someone in the face from 30 metres away means your hand-eye coordination must be spot on.
Recommended training: throw a tennis ball against your younger sibling’s head and try to catch it when it bounces back. While throwing the ball, shout profanities – something along the lines of “you will never beat me, you will never beat me”. These actions will hone the skills you need to survive Advanced Warfare.
Recommended diet: Mountain Dew, lots of Mountain Dew. Drink it, make smoothies with it, and boil your potatoes in it. If you cannot find a retailer who stocks Mountain Dew, then a plate of bacon will work just as well.
Dragon Age: Inquisition
Dragon Age will push your mind to its limits, with tactical play and strategy key in claiming victory in the land of Thedas.
Like most RPGs, Inquisition will test your concentration levels and cunning. The best way to train your “cunning” is by lying to people in a convincing manner and then trying to get them to give you their lunch. At work, for example, tell your colleague that you gave your cheese and tomato sandwich to a homeless person out of kindness, shed a tear or two, then wait for the free food to roll in.
Of course you will immediately throw this food away, for one does not simply eat any old garbage and thrive in Thedas – your diet must consist of pizza, preferably from Scooters as they are quite cheap, and gold coins are hard to come by.
Why pizza? Well, when you take a slice out it looks like a pie-chart, which has to do with statistics and stuff and will make you smarter. If you can’t, or don’t, eat pizza, then a plate of bacon will work just as well.
I have put over 70 hours into Destiny since its launch, and I can tell you from first-hand experience that without my strict training regime I would have never made it this far.
Travelling across our solar system is tough work, and your body and mind need to be prepared for the extreme fluctuations in temperature that space travel brings. In terms of combating this from a nutritional perspective I suggest lots of fatty foods so you can build up a layer of insulation to keep you warm.
Burger King or McDonald’s will do nicely here, but only if you supersize everything. Also, an ice-cream cone wouldn’t hurt your cause. If you are averse to visiting a McD’s or Burger King, a plate of bacon will work just as well.
When it comes to physical training, lifting your feet when your mom is vacuuming will prepare you for the, um, vacuum of space. That’s it – vacuum your house.
Mario Kart 8 (or any Wii U game)
If your primary console is a Wii U then I recommended an exercise regime which consists of playing in traffic and a diet of cyanide cookies.
There is no hope of you improving ever, at anything – just give up.
Don’t even look at that plate of bacon, you can’t have any.
Editor’s note: So dissing my Wii U is funny, is it Kevin? Well you’re fired. Who’s laughing now!