Your guide to online gamers

Say what you want about online gaming, but it is just like that American high school cafeteria you see in movies.

But instead of the plastics, the nerds, the jocks, and the emos, you get the girls, the Afrikaners, the aggressives, and the cliques.

I am here to help you identify who you are playing with when you venture online.

The Cliques

A group of players who never involve themselves in other gamer’s activities, nor attempt to help out fellow players.

These players have huge egos, they think that everyone who isn’t in their game is beneath them, and will not mingle with other players.

Think Mean Girls, but rounder, with cheeseburgers, and controllers between their fingers instead of lip gloss.

The “18” Year Old

That squeaky tone you hear over the mic is not a 23-year-old man with an extremely high-pitched voice, it is a child who should not be playing the game in the first place.

You find this gamer almost everywhere. They make sure they are heard the entire time and every now and then their mothers walk in and have a chat to them, mostly complaining that all they do is sit and play games.

The “18” year old is always 18 when you ask their age.

The Over Achiever

The over achievers are the gamers who are obsessed with progress.

They will make sure you know what level they are and how many trophies and achievements they have unlocked.

They will always have better gear than you and always know of better camping spots. If your serious level does not match theirs they will boot you from their game or verbally bash you.

The Hardcore

That player at the top of the leaderboards with 90 kills and 2 deaths, that is the hardcore gamer.

This gamer has no social life, no friends, and a dysfunctional family. What else is there to do besides become the ultimate gamer?

This breed of gamer does not own a mic, nor intends on purchasing one. All this gamer wants to do is beat other players and have the score to prove it.

The Aggressive

Prepare to be bashed from the high heavens with this one. This is the type of gamer who you mute as soon as you get the opportunity to do so.

Sure, he will still send you hate mail calling you all sorts of things, but at least it was done in a private manner.

You will learn new words while playing with this gamer as he will make sure that every death is followed by a new profanity.

The Afrikaner

South Africa has a special breed of gamer, the Afrikaner. The Afrikaners have some special traits that distinguishes them from other gamers.

They normally communicate only with fellow Afrikaners, in a special language called Afrikaans. They constantly complain about their wives and light up a cigarette in between every match.

The Afrikaner uses words like “boet”, “ag man”, “befok”, and “lekker” to describe the situation they are in.

You can often identify them by their “smooth” manner in which they talk about attractive females, and their strong feelings against fairies.

The Girl

The girl gamer is the most loved gamer of them all, not because she is good at what she is doing, but the fact that she is a girl that plays games.

Little do the other gamers know that she is probably rocking blue highlights in her hair and owns over a dozen cats.

The girl gamer gets all the attention and all the gamers want to play with her. She is treated like a gift from heaven, and gamers will never judge her for being bad at a game.