So you think you have it bad? Do you find your snazzy desk and comfortable chair just so pedestrian? Is sending the intern to grab sushi while you sit on Facebook the entire day not as appealing as it once was? Trust me, if gaming has taught us one thing it’s that someone always has it worse. Imaginative or not, these are the jobs you’re just not going to want to do.
Being born a Mudokon is unfortunately counter-intuitive to staying alive.
Mudokon – Abe’s Oddysee
Benefits: The chance of escape. It’s a cold comfort at best.
How does being bound to clean the very same spot until such time as you expire sound? And don’t think that these are serene, upmarket spots either; nay, these are nothing but hazardous. You’re going to be injured, a lot. That’s if you’re not beaten senseless by a merciless Slug, just because he can.
The poor Mudokons; they are but humble workers trying to make ends meet. Even when their saviour happens upon them, their chances of actually being saved is a whole different state of affairs.
Sucks to be you: When the Hunter finally finds you.
Bell Witch – Bloodborne
Benefits: Self-revival. That’s got to have useful applications in the real world.
Your job is simply this: to ring a bell, summon some lackeys and have them hunt down a hunter. And every now and then, you’ll force unwitting players upon one another. It actually doesn’t sound so bad. Not until you see the dagger you’ve been given to defend yourself. You’re in deep trouble should the hunter find you.
This Bell Witch looks high as a kite, we’re talking recreational drugs here. Perhaps it’s because she’s fully aware of her inevitable fate.
This is far from the best gig at the park.
Janitor – RollerCoaster Tycoon
Benefits: A Weekly Raise.
Grab your mop and get ready to clean up a serious amount of spew. There are a lot of visitors who just cannot handle the sorts of speed your coasters deliver; it’s too bad it’s your job to arrest their rather disgusting contributions to the park. Being a janitor involves you walking around the theme park the entire day and night, scooping up vomit, burger wrappings and popped balloons. You will occasionally get a raise if you seem unhappy, but be warned that you can and will be replaced with the click of a mouse.
Poor janitor, and it’s all because we want nothing more than faster rides.
Well this is fun and then it isn’t.
Spectators
Benefits: Watching the game
We’re talking about those little blotches in the background of any game that demands spectators, the blotches that developers would have us believe are people. Imagine being one of those spectators. Being a spectator means that you get to watch the game the entire day; that’s pretty neat. But it’s also tedious and you’ll live your entire life knowing you’re meaningless filler, visual confectionery. Spectators visit the psychologist in their hundreds as a result.
I feel really bad for this little guy. Really, I do.
Sweeper – Destiny
Benefits: None
Being a sweeper in Destiny means that you have to, quite literally, stand in one place and sweep the same spot. You are not allowed to move, nor are you permitted to speak to anyone. You just stand… and sweep. It’s a life of solitude.
The worst video game job of all time has to be that poor robot from Destiny. Located between the Tower Hanger and the Tower Watch, all he does is stand there looking at the ground, and he sweeps. Days go by and no one stops by and talks to him, nor do they even pay him any attention. I am grateful that you keep the place clean dear robot, really I am.
If you had to have a job in a video game, what would it be? Let us know in the comments and forum.
