The best The Witcher 3 Steam user reviews

It’s become a bit of a trend for Steam User reviews to be pretty hilarious, or at least some are – it’s why Valve added a funny section for reviews.

Even when they aren’t, it’s clear that many within the Steam community do their best to add comical, otherwise satirical tones to their opinions of virtually every game available on Steam.

We’ve always enjoyed perusing the Steam User reviews section of many game, so we thought we’d do you a favour and find some of our favourites from a game in particular.

How about we start with the recently released, and absurdly well rated, The Witcher 3.

Positive Review

“His beard grows. In real time.

BEARD. GROWS.

Oh, and there’s a vast, beautiful, open world to explore, stuffed with interesting sidequests and amazing graphics, but who cares about that?”

Positive Review

“It’s like Skyrim with guns, without guns.”

Positive Review

“Got led around by a dead fetus and played Gwent 10/10”

Positive Review

“Good news:
I’m cured from my addiction to Skyrim!

Bad news:
… well…

11/10 buy it, it has bewbs! 😀
(and a pretty good story)”

Positive Review

“Amazing writing.
I put 60+ hours in DA3. Don’t even remember my character’s name.
A few hours in Witcher… And I still remember that the fortune teller needs some dragon herbs to see my future.
A fetch quest that matters.
11/10”

Positive Review

“I’m selling my family for 10 orens, because I really want to buy that sword.”

Positive Review

“Cut a man’s head off so hard his body flew away. 10/10”

Positive Review

“Quen simulator 2015”

Positive Review

“This game gave me mange, but I’d recommend it anyways.

(To those who got it… I appreciate you.)”

Positive Review

“BUY IT KILL IT! ROAM IT! ♥♥♥ IT! SWIM IT! LUV IT!”

Positive Review

“Right now, for almost every player, “The Wild Hunt” means “The Search for Boobies”
Just buy it.”

Positive Review

“get home from work at 8 pm
eat with my girlfriend and watch 1 tv show
start playing The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt around 10pm
stay up until her alarm goes off for work at 4 am
try to sneak into bed and fail at stealth
get 3 hours of sleep
…
repeat”

Positive Review

“can wield a fire poker, and get killed by bees. NO NOT THE BEES!”

Positive Review

“My horse kicked me in the face.”

Positive Review

“Punched 3 wolves to death. 10/10 would punch wolves again.”

Positive Review

“Best Gwent Simulator out there so far

– how has nobody thought of that.
Theres also a mini game inside called “Witcher”.

Gwent 60fps all the way,
“Witcher” gives very stable 25-30 fps on a Phenom II 945, 8 gig ram and a HD 5870 1G.

Had no freezes/crashes/gamebreakers in 15+hrs.
I r8 8/8 m8.”

Positive Review

“Doing the story, had dialogue with a flashback. By the time the guy was done talking Geralt had grown a beard.

11/10 — Would play Beard Growing Simulator 2015 again.”

Positive Review

“New found appreciation for pagan goat-women music. 666/10”

Positive Review

“This game is rad. Ran into some bandits, got my ♥♥♥♥ handed to me. Came back later and murdered every last one of them by cutting them in half from armpit to waist.

11/10 would murder again.”

Positive Review

“Stab, pillage, plough, and burn. Not necessarily in that order.”

Positive Review

“-riding on my horse
-pack of wolves start chasing me
-runs through small village to lose them
-wolves start attacking villagers
-damn
-have to save villagers
-kills wolves, saves village
-checks if kid who got attacked is ok
-kid tells me to ♥♥♥♥ off

11/10”

Positive Review

“Tutorial area took me 8 hours to complete.

I regret nothing.”

Positive Review

“Rockstar told me i couldn’t ride a horse on PC. Well, look at me now.”

Positive Review

“I forgot about the other 440 games I have on Steam.”

Positive Review

“In a world where Triple A titles yield horrifying disappointment, In a world where EA pays IGN and EVIL developers take your money and give you 1 hour of content. In a world where gaming industries suck the very life-force out of the player, one game stands out!

Its not Battlefield Soft****
Nor is it Assassin’s Creed 69, dawn of the Robots
It’s definitly not Sim City Tiny city edition, and its not Call of Duty Black Ghostbusters Warfare

Welcome to the Witcher 3.”

Positive Review

“Got killed in the very first battle against Ghouls.

By a horse’s kick.

11/10.”

Positive Review

“For 10+ years I was addicted to WoW, this game cured me,..”

Positive Review

“I’ve already had more sex in this than I have in real life.”

Positive Review

“Gardening Simulator 2015
10/10 would harvest again.

Pros:
-Realistic wind sounds
-Blowy trees
-World ripe with countless plant variations

Cons:
-Facing your harvestables takes practice”

Positive Review

“-Riding horse around a cliff area
-See bandits
-Bandits see me
-Horse starts freaking out
-Horse throws me off backwards and runs tf off
-I’m thrown off the cliff by my own horse
-Long drop
-Dies.
-Hadn’t saved the game for 45 mins

10/10”

Suffice it to say, few who had anything negative to say were very funny – probably because they were betting on this game to be their GOTY.

They’re grumpy.