Rule 34, for those of you visiting the internet for the very first time, stipulates that – basically – if you can imagine it, there’s porn of it. Necessarily enough, it applies to everything. This one time, a friend of mine showed me this… actually, you know what, nevermind. I still wake up screaming, and I’d rather not be responsible for anybody else’s night terrors. Besides, I don’t think my editor would let me publish a link to a bunch of guys dressed as pterodactyls f-AAARRRRRRGGHHH WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN.
Anyway, scientists with Bunsen burners and expensive branded tweezers and stuff have determined that, generally speaking, pornography promotes technology. And in its turn, technology promotes porn. Somewhere on a sun-dappled African panorama, a baboon might sing something about the circle of life, before being pecked to death by vultures. Or a bunch of guys dressed as pterodactyls, maybe.
So it shouldn’t come as any huge shocker that there’s already a Kinect porn game in development. ThriXXX, celebrated purveyors of critically-acclaimed (I’m assuming) “3D animated interactive sex games” like 3D Slut, 3D Lesbian, and 3D SexVilla 2 has apparently been hard at work with Microsoft’s controller-free controller on an as-yet untitled game that mostly involves pretending to grope boobs on a TV. And lots of imagination, obviously. Loads.
“The Kinect interface provides another exciting interface option for users of the sex simulation software to control the experience in extraordinary new ways,” says ThriXXX (via CNET). “Controller-free is the next generation of game user interfaces, allowing users to use gestures, spoken commands, or objects to control in-game action that creates a completely new sex game activity and magical experience.”
It’s magical, I think, because in the video demo, a disembodied hand keeps clipping through a lady’s chesticles.
“Kinect is obviously a natural technology for this kind of usage, since the ‘hands-free’ approach means that the user’s hands are available for other actions, be it manipulating the game, or themselves – or, in this case, possibly both at the same time,” Kyle Machulis – a world expert in sex, digital toys, and games – told CNET, pretty much saying what everybody else was thinking*. Ew. I’m guessing Microsoft’s “YOU ARE THE CONTROLLER” marketing tag has just been rushed into emergency.
Of course, I don’t see Microsoft officially endorsing this product any time soon, which is perhaps a bit of a missed business opportunity. I mean, there’s always been a market for sex games – and I daresay there always will be – and where there’s a market, there’s also a heap of cash. It’s a peculiar double standard that mainstream games can feature blood and guts by the truckload, but not even a bit of a nipple.
Or maybe Microsoft just doesn’t want to have to follow Nintendo’s lead, and start shipping Kinect with a prophylactic silicon sheath for… actually, you know what, nevermind.
* Well, that, and how someone gets to be a “world expert” in sex, digital toys, and video games.
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