Samurai Warriors 3 is the sequel to the sequel of a spin-off of the Dynasty Warriors series which is a spin-off of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms series which is based on a novel of the same name. You know how the previous sentence is nothing much more than a tedious sequence of unimportant details pretending to be more complicated that they are, and so thoroughly boring that you stopped paying attention almost immediately? That’s pretty much Samurai Warriors 3. Seriously, if terminal monotony were a video game, it would be this.
The box boldly promises “Exhilarating action as you slash and scatter countless waves of opponents in the role of a mighty warrior”. Well, I don’t know about “exhilarating”, but there certainly are “countless waves of opponents”. Countless waves of the same drab, featureless character model whose primary directive is apparently to trudge solemnly onto your pointy stuff and die. When enough of these same drab, featureless character models have trudged solemnly onto your pointy stuff and died, you gain a level. You keep doing this while making your way through a mazy sort of map that’s basically a subtle rearrangement of the bits of the previous mazy sort of map, and when you reach the end, you start over.
There’s also a story. Ostensibly, it’s all about the Era of Warring States during the second Eastern Zhou Dynasty, a tumultuous period of tribal disputes and petty provincial tyrannies leading up to the unification of China in 221 BC. In reality, however, it’s mostly a bunch of fifth-rate American voice actors demanding you single-handedly slay a frankly somewhat unlikely number of local draftees for no obvious reason. From time to time, you’ll also be slaying a named chieftain whose significance is somewhat obfuscated by the dreary context of slaying everything else in between.
Simply, Samurai Warriors 3 is rubbish. The only person who could actually enjoy a game like this would have to be dead first. And even then, there’d doubtless be far more exciting things to do, like rotting.
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