Rule 34, for those of you visiting the internet for the very first time, stipulates that – basically – if you can imagine it, there’s porn of it. Necessarily enough, it applies to everything. This one time, a friend of mine showed me this… actually, you know what, nevermind. I still wake up screaming, and I’d rather not be responsible for anybody else’s night terrors. Besides, I don’t think my editor would let me publish a link to a bunch of guys dressed as pterodactyls f-AAARRRRRRGGHHH WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN.<\/p>\n
Anyway, scientists with Bunsen burners and expensive branded tweezers and stuff have determined that, generally speaking, pornography promotes technology<\/a>. And in its turn, technology promotes porn. Somewhere on a sun-dappled African panorama, a baboon might sing something about the circle of life, before being pecked to death by vultures. Or a bunch of guys dressed as pterodactyls, maybe.<\/p>\n So it shouldn’t come as any huge shocker that there’s already a Kinect porn game in development. ThriXXX, celebrated purveyors of critically-acclaimed (I’m assuming) “3D animated interactive sex games” like 3D Slut, 3D Lesbian, and 3D SexVilla 2 has apparently been hard at work with Microsoft’s controller-free controller on an as-yet untitled game that mostly involves pretending to grope boobs on a TV. And lots of imagination, obviously. Loads<\/em>.<\/p>\n “The Kinect interface provides another exciting interface option for users of the sex simulation software to control the experience in extraordinary new ways,” says ThriXXX (via CNET<\/a>). “Controller-free is the next generation of game user interfaces, allowing users to use gestures, spoken commands, or objects to control in-game action that creates a completely new sex game activity and magical experience.”<\/p>\n It’s magical, I think, because in the video demo, a disembodied hand keeps clipping through a lady’s chesticles. <\/p>\n “Kinect is obviously a natural technology for this kind of usage, since the ‘hands-free’ approach means that the user’s hands are available for other actions, be it manipulating the game, or themselves – or, in this case, possibly both at the same time,” Kyle Machulis – a world expert in sex, digital toys, and games – told CNET, pretty much saying what everybody else was thinking*. Ew. I’m guessing Microsoft’s “YOU ARE THE CONTROLLER” marketing tag has just been rushed into emergency.<\/p>\n Of course, I don’t see Microsoft officially endorsing this product any time soon, which is perhaps a bit of a missed business opportunity. I mean, there’s always been a market for sex games – and I daresay there always will be – and where there’s a market, there’s also a heap of cash. It’s a peculiar double standard that mainstream games can feature blood and guts by the truckload, but not even a bit of a nipple.<\/p>\n Or maybe Microsoft just doesn’t want to have to follow Nintendo’s lead, and start shipping Kinect with a prophylactic silicon sheath for… actually, you know what, nevermind. <\/p>\n * Well, that, and how someone gets to be<\/a> a “world expert” in sex, digital toys, and video games.<\/span><\/p>\n