the JOKE thread

Journalism at its finest

BEST [actual] HEADLINES
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

(London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

LocalHigh School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
 
Two Pretoria boys are playing touch rugby when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists until the dog chokes, lets go and runs off yelping.
A reporter from The Star hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He starts writing in his notebook: "Bull Fan Saves
Friend from Vicious Animal".
"But I'm not a Blue Bull fan," the little hero objects.
"Sorry, since we're in Pretoria I assumed you were," says the reporter, and
starts again: "Lions Fan rescues Friend from Horrific Attack".
"I'm not a Lions fan either," the boy responds.
"What? I assumed everyone in Gauteng was either for the Blue Bulls or the Lions.
What team do you support?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Natal Sharks fan," the boys says.
The reporter starts again: "Sadistic little Rooinek Swine Batters Beloved Family Pet".
 
Boland's rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice
field.

Head coach Deon Davids immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely
to encounter the substance again.
 
McGuywer said:
Boland's rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice
field.

Head coach Deon Davids immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely
to encounter the substance again.
Click to expand...

Brilliance defined
 
/lame but true joke

We were talking about the Xbox and how funny the remote is.
When we pointed to the Xbox, a girl was like "Is that the Xbox? That little thing?"
"Yes"
"Oh I thought it's a big box, cause it's the X Box".....
 
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients
and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much
he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.


But every now and then he'd hear an internal
reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head
would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Dave........

Dave........

..........you're a vet.
 
just for the rAge guys...

...a nice short and sweet joke

what do you call a gnome between a faerie's leggs?

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a goblin
 
wizdumb said:
just for the rAge guys...

...a nice short and sweet joke

what do you call a gnome between a faerie's leggs?

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a goblin
Click to expand...

looooooooooooooooooool :D its about time we got a joke from you lmao :p
 
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
 
An indian walks up to the local house of ill
repute and tells the madam 'Me want women'. The
madam asks 'Do you have experience?' The indian
asks 'What's that?' The madam tells him to go out
and find a tree with a knothole and get
experience. The Indian comes back a few days
later and goes upstairs at the house of ill
repute with the madam's best girl. He tells the
girl to bend over. She complies and he hits her
across the bottom with a bed slat. She jumps up
and yells 'What do you think you're doing?' The
Indian replies 'Me check for hornets!'
 
A blond walks up to a river with no bridge,she sees another blond on the opposite side,so she calls out"how do you get to the other side of the river?" the blond answers ' you ARE on the other side!
 
Crzwaco said:
A blond walks up to a river with no bridge,she sees another blond on the opposite side,so she calls out"how do you get to the other side of the river?" the blond answers ' you ARE on the other side!
Click to expand...

For some blondes that could be seen as a mind fsck and they will shit brix when they see it :p
 
best fairy tale ?

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end
 
Necuno said:
best fairy tale ?

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end
Click to expand...

That's not a joke. That's a life lesson :)
 
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