the JOKE thread

Senticall said:
Heard this on cod....

I broke up with my cross eyed girlfriend,I think she has been seeing someone else
Click to expand...

lmao, good one

****

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a
parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 73 years old and you're going to start
jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a
Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a
week!
 
1) Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing
2) Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack
3) Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
4) Yo mamma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
5) Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
6) Yo mama so fat she wore a yellow raincoat and people yelled "Taxi!"
7) Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
8) Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her.
9) Yo mama so fat her beeper went off and people thought she was backing up.
10) Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
11)Yo mama is so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.
12)Yo Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct.
13)Yo Mama is so fat, when she told me her weight I thought it was her phone number.
14)Yo mama is so fat, when she steps on a scale it says: To be continued
15)Yo mama is so fat, when you walk around her you get lost.
 
2, 4, 12 and 14. :D

I've met quite a few girls (good looking as well) from the internet.

Just a pity all their names end in .jpg or .avi
 
Raven Gold said:
2, 4, 12 and 14. :D

I've met quite a few girls (good looking as well) from the internet.

Just a pity all their names end in .jpg or .avi
Click to expand...

<Arbe> there's this really pretty girl at college
<Arbe> all her friends hate me though
<Arbe> with good reason
<Arbe> what do i do???
<xpCynic> look for someone else
<~blackhole89> Download a girl ending in .jpg instead
<Arbe> will she keep me warm at night?
<~blackhole89> get a laptop
<Arbe> and tell me that the future doesn't matter?
<~blackhole89> with speakers
 
sycogrim said:
Working in the IT Services Industry :

1. We work in weird shifts and weird hours... Like prostitutes

2. They pay you to make the client happy... Like a prostitute

3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every penny... Like a prostitute

4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams... Like a prostitute

5. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the same profession as you... Like a prostitute

6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed..... Like a prostitute

7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell... Like a prostitute

8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you... Like a prostitute

9. When people ask you about your Job, you have difficulties to explain it... Like a prostitute

10. Every day when you wake up, you say: I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE DOING THIS"..... Like a prostitute
Click to expand...

If IT services is like being a hooker, than Data Security is like being a dominatrix, they're paying me to tie them up. :D
 
I went bass fishing this morning at Groendal Dam, but after a while I ran out of bait.
Then I saw a puffadder with a dead lizard in its mouth.
Lizards are good bait for bass.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the lizard in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the lizard, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Klipdrift and poured a little brandy into its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, and he went limp. I then released him without incident and carried on fishing, using the lizard as bait.


A little while later, I felt a nudge against my foot.
I looked down and there was that same snake with two more lizards in its mouth.
 
wizdumb said:
I went bass fishing this morning at Groendal Dam, but after a while I ran out of bait.
Then I saw a puffadder with a dead lizard in its mouth.
Lizards are good bait for bass.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the lizard in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the lizard, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Klipdrift and poured a little brandy into its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, and he went limp. I then released him without incident and carried on fishing, using the lizard as bait.


A little while later, I felt a nudge against my foot.
I looked down and there was that same snake with two more lizards in its mouth.
Click to expand...

Met eish?

Nee,

Met akkadis!
 
A day in the life of a BMW driver.




The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.



First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!



The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.



Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.



Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!



Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!
 
srael insisted on a premature switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time to accommodate a week of pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to live on "Zionist Time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. Nobody knew the "correct" time.

At precisely 5:30pm on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the explosions.

The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set to detonate on Daylight Saving Time. But the confused drivers had already switched to Standard Time. When they picked up the bombs, they neglected to ask whose watch was used to set the timing mechanism. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering the terrorists to their untimely demises.
 
Please warn ALL your Male Friends. This can turn out very Ugly. !!!

A warning for all men who may be regular Builders Warehouse customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and WindoLene with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to KFC. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, unzips your pants and plays with you while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, 15th (twice), 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So please be careful.

P.S. Mr Price has wallets on sale @ R19.99 each
 
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake


Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty
 
I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us
and she immediately dropped to her knees
and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought……

“These tazer-guns are well worth the money.”
 
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