HoboMincer
New member
YO! that was good
the JOKE thread
- Thread starter wizdumb
- Start date
YO! that was good
HoboMincer
New member
Long story but worth it
Thank you. If only everyone had the balls to stand up to these tossers
tpex
New member
Agreed, But peoples should not generalize all taxis are roadworthy.
Satarial
New member
Man Fuck all taxi's!
If you drive any of the busy highways(N1,N3,N12,N17,R21) in the morings, you would see these taxi's are nothing but an accident waiting to happen!
They dont wait for 5 seconds before going off on the emergency lane or overtaking on the right hand shoulder!
I wish they would all die in fire!
ViperGTI
New member
OK... so in other jokes today...
Here's another long story, also very well written... and much less likely to spark "debate".
The MoviPrep experience
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make anappointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of thecolon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing through my neighbours garden before stopping off briefly in Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE 'S GOING TOSTICK A TUBE 7,000 FEET UP YOUR @RSE!"
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called "MoviPrep," which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of the Free World's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. Inaccordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water.. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32gallons..) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, "a loose, watery bowelmovement may result." This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a laxative of nuclear proportions. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell,your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. My arse felt like the Japanese flag...
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, "What if I spurt on Andy?" How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire HoseMode. You would have no choice but to burn your house!
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 7,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" had to be the least appropriate. "You want me to turn it up?" said Andy, from somewhere behind me. "Ha ha," I said. And then it was time,the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA wasyelling "Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine," and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ!
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald..
Here's another long story, also very well written... and much less likely to spark "debate".
The MoviPrep experience
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make anappointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of thecolon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing through my neighbours garden before stopping off briefly in Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE 'S GOING TOSTICK A TUBE 7,000 FEET UP YOUR @RSE!"
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called "MoviPrep," which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of the Free World's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. Inaccordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water.. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32gallons..) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, "a loose, watery bowelmovement may result." This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a laxative of nuclear proportions. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell,your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. My arse felt like the Japanese flag...
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, "What if I spurt on Andy?" How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire HoseMode. You would have no choice but to burn your house!
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 7,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" had to be the least appropriate. "You want me to turn it up?" said Andy, from somewhere behind me. "Ha ha," I said. And then it was time,the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA wasyelling "Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine," and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ!
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald..
Last edited:
Iam3G
New member
LOL! I had a combination of these once after a helluva staff party. Good times, good times...
ViperGTI
New member
Some old jokes again:
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew",
says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby ! Tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured
that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew",
says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby ! Tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured
that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"
ViperGTI
New member
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.
He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."
He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."
DenSweeP
New member
Utterly brilliant read! Love it! Especially the 30 extra dents!
Do you write for a living per chance?
bradbear117
New member
Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands....
when he came back they were just called the Islands.
when he came back they were just called the Islands.
ViperGTI
New member
I wish I wrote that
... I always keep copies of the good jokes somewhere. This one is a couple of years old already so thought it would be nice to revisit
Duke Dude
New member
CLASSES FOR WOMEN
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
Topic 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
Topic 5. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
Topic 6. Communication Skills II: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
Topic 8. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
Topic 9. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
Topic 10. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each
course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 5. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Audios and graphics.
Topic 6. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
Topic 7. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 8. Learning to live: differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 9. How to be the ideal shopping partner. Relaxation, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 10. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions.
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
Topic 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
Topic 5. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
Topic 6. Communication Skills II: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
Topic 8. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
Topic 9. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
Topic 10. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each
course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 5. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Audios and graphics.
Topic 6. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
Topic 7. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 8. Learning to live: differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 9. How to be the ideal shopping partner. Relaxation, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 10. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions.
Satarial
New member
A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and, Bingo! She took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France ."
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, what's your business role at this convention?
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Red Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name
"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends call me Frikkie."
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France ."
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, what's your business role at this convention?
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Red Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name
"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends call me Frikkie."
Raven Gold
Local Boy Hunter
Piet haat sy vrou se kat en besluit op 'n dag om ontslae te raak van die kat.
Hy vat die kat en ry so 2km ver en smyt hom uit die kar uit.
Toe hy by die huis kom wag die kat vir hom.
Weer laai hy die kat en ry so 5km weg en smyt hom uit.
Kom by die huis en hier wag die kat vir hom.
Hy laai weer die kat en ry n moerse ent. Dan links, dan regs, dan 'n ent terug, dan weer links en regs vir kilometers en gooi uiteindelik die kat weer uit.
Na n ruk bel hy sy vrou en vra of die kat by die huis is.
Ja, se sy hoekom?
Hy antwoord 'Gee die foon vir die donnerse kat. Ek het in my moer in verdwaal
Hy vat die kat en ry so 2km ver en smyt hom uit die kar uit.
Toe hy by die huis kom wag die kat vir hom.
Weer laai hy die kat en ry so 5km weg en smyt hom uit.
Kom by die huis en hier wag die kat vir hom.
Hy laai weer die kat en ry n moerse ent. Dan links, dan regs, dan 'n ent terug, dan weer links en regs vir kilometers en gooi uiteindelik die kat weer uit.
Na n ruk bel hy sy vrou en vra of die kat by die huis is.
Ja, se sy hoekom?
Hy antwoord 'Gee die foon vir die donnerse kat. Ek het in my moer in verdwaal
Duke Dude
New member
Weasley
New member
i dont get it?