the JOKE thread

My Favourite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.Fried chicken is my favourite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken.She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed and told me not to do it again.I don't understand.My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the **** I am...???
 
Vegeta ZA said:
My Favourite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.Fried chicken is my favourite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken.She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed and told me not to do it again.I don't understand.My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the **** I am...???
Click to expand...

hahahaha thats awesome :)
 
dilbert2007073307202.gif


AAAARGH (first 2.5 panes) SO TRUE!!!
 
This Joke is in Afrikaans but its still pretty dam funny.

Liewe Ma en Pa,

Dit gaan goed met my en met julle?



Sê vir boetie Wouter en boetie Koos dat om in die Army te wees baie lekkerder is as om vir Oom Piet te werk.

Hulle moet sommer gou kom aansluit voordat al die plekke gevul word.
Ek was eers baie ongemaklik omdat mens in die bed moet bly tot amper 06:00, maar nou geniet ek dit om so laat te kan slaap.


Sê vir Wouter en Koos al wat mens voor ontbyt moet doen, is om jou bed netjies en glad te maak en goed blink te vryf.


Nikse ge-varke voer, koeie melk, mampoer meng of braaihout kappery nie.


Jy doen amper niks!


Manne moet nog skeer, maar dis nie so erg nie, want daars warm water.


Brekfis is sterk op vrugtesap, pap, eiers en bacon, maar minder sterk op steaks, boerewors, tjops, aartappels en goed soos vetkoek.


Maar sê vir hulle jy kan altyd tussen twee dorpsjapies wat net van koffie leef, gaan sit.


Hulle kos plus joune hou mens darem vol tot twaalfuur toe wanneer jy weer gevoer word.


Hierdie dorpsjapies kan nie juis ver stap nie.


Ons gaan op roetemarse, wat ons sal taai maak, sê die Sersant.


As hy so dink is dit mos nie my plek om hom reg te help nie.


'n Roetemars is omtrent so ver soos tot by ons posbus by die huis.



Dan kry die dorpsjapies seer voete en ons almal ry dan terug
in lorries. Die veld is mooi, maar baie plat.


Julle gaan julle morsdood lag as julle hiervan hoor. Ek bly medaljes kry vir skiet.


Ek weet nie hoekom nie.


Die bulls-eye is net so groot soos 'n dassie se kop en beweeg glad nie eers nie.


En dit skiet nie eers terug soos daai Venters van die buurplaas nie. Al wat jy moet doen is om doodstil te lê en dit raak te skiet.


Jy hoef nie eers jou eie ammunisie te maak nie, dit kom in bokse.


Dan is daar wat hulle noem "hand-to-hand combat training".


Jy stoei met die dorpsjapies van die stad af.


Ek moet versigtig wees, want hulle kry maklik seer.


Dis nie soos om met ons ou bul, Swart Duiwel, by die huis te stoei nie.


Ek is omtrent die beste wat hulle in hierdie peleton het, behalwe vir Groot Jan Jordaan van die Bosveld.


Hy het saam met my aangesluit. Maar ek is omtrent 5 voet 6 en weeg 70kg en hy is 6 voet 8 en weeg maklik 150kg,droë gewig.


Sê tog my boeties moet gou maak en aansluit voordat ander ouens uitvind van die ongelooflike Army setup en aangestorm kom!



Julle liefdevolle dogter
Ester
 
Hahahahahahahaha good one Jan-Roux hahahaha.

One night a father was tucking his daughter into bed, he reads her a story, and she says her prayers:
"Bless mummy, bless daddy, good by granny." The father is mystified, but doesn't ask what she meant. The next morning, granny is found dead. The father doesn't think his daughter had anything to do with the death.

That night, he tucks his daughter into bed, he reads her a story, and she says her prayers:
"Bless mummy, bless daddy, goodbye grandpa." Again, the father is mystified, but remains silent. The next morning, grandpa is found dead. The father starts to wonder if the deaths were just coincidences, or not.

That night, he tucks his daughter into bed, he reads her a story, and she says her prayers:
"Bless mummy, goodbye daddy." The father gets a huge fright, and goes to bed with a gun under the pillow. The next morning, he goes to work extra early, and locks all his doors and windows, and takes every precaution to keep himself safe. That night, he went home under the cover of darkness, and silently walks up to the door. He would be safe as long as his daughter was asleep. Just as he was about to open it, the door goes open and his wife comes running out, screaming:
"Oh Harold! This morning the milkman died on our porch!"
 
Don't know how many of you will get this one, but to those who do, enjoy!

The owner of a chain of retail stores decided one day to go visit one of his smaller stores that was situated in a little town in the countryside. He would walk in and look at the products as if he were a normal customer, and this way he would see how good the service is and how well the store was being managed. The store was located in the main street, were the most customers are likely to be, close to some bars, clothing stores, and a post office.

As he was walking through the store, he spotted the manager playing cards with one of the employees. The owner decided to scare the two of them, and see their reactions. Just around a corner, he spotted a fire alarm against the wall, and quickly walks over, sets off the alarm, and waited to see what they would do.

To his amazement, the two of them did nothing. They just sat and played on. It was like they were deaf. Just as the manager was about to storm in and ask them why they were playing cards and why they were ignoring the alarm, a young waiter came running in from the bar across the street carrying a tray with two beers and two glasses with ice.
 
Finance for dummies

A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You make wors...

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep
. You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You go on strike because you want three sheep.
. They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime' and steal someone
else's sheep and shoot their owner.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
. A farmer has two sheep.
. You take over his farm, eat both sheep and wait for the international
community to supply more.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep
and produce twenty times the wool.
. You then create clever sheep cartoon images called ewekimon and market
them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
sheer themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. Both are mad.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You pray to them for food.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are.
. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You count them and learn you have five sheep.
. You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep
. You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.
. You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
. You have 5000 sheep, none of which belong to you.
. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. You have 300 people sheering them.
. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
. You have two sheep.
. The one on the left is kinda cute.....
 
Lady golfer

A young lady decided to go and play a round of golf, but shortly after completing the 1st hole she was stung by a bee.

She walked angrily into the clubhouse and was greeted by the club pro who could see that see was distressed.

Pro: Goog morning. Is everything ok?

Lady: No, I just got stung by a bee!

Pro: Where did you get stung?

Lady: Between the 1st and second hole.

Pro: In that case you are definitely opening your legs to wide while swinging...
 
Funnies

NO. 1
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's
nipples while she was asleep. The next day, their driver died of
poisoning.


NO.2
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His
son asked Dad why? He answered so that when I am dead, no one will
sleep with your mum.


NO.3
A lady lost three panties in her
house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said sir you are my
witness you know I never wear panties
 
While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" "That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music." "In other words this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."
 
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."
 
Wrong Number


" Hello?"
"Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a
brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.. Put the
phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and
shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What
about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on,
too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into
the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the
water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think
he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?
Is this
486-5731?"

No, this is 486-5713.....

Sorry wrong number
 
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