the JOKE thread

Advice columns would be more interesting if written by men

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We've been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you help?
Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John
 
BigShoes.png
 
Old joke that has been rewritten:


An atheist was walking through the bush when a lion jumped into his path.
The man turned to flee, but tripped over a root and went sprawling. In
seconds the cat was standing over him.

“O God!” cried the atheist.

At that instance the lion froze, the surrounding bush went quiet and a
voice boomed from heaven, “You deny my existence for all these years and
credit creation to a cosmic accident. Now, in your time of need, you cry
out for help. Am I now to count you as a believer?

“It would indeed be hypocritical to change my beliefs at this point,” said
the man. Maybe you could make the lion a Christian. This would resolve our
dilemma.”

“Very well,” said God.

With that everything returned to normal and the lion unfroze, dropped to
its knees, bowed its head and prayed, “Lord, for the food that I am about
to receive, I am truly grateful. Amen.”
 
ViperGTI said:
Advice columns would be more interesting if written by men

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We've been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you help?
Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John
Click to expand...

Saw this one before but still funny
 
Found some old jokes again.

Tennis Elbow
One day Pete was complaining to his friend “my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor”.

His friend said “Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.

The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: ‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour, it will be better in two weeks’.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.

The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
‘Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.’
 
Smart Gambler
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and they call him into the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his
attorney.

The auditor says...Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.

I'm a great gambler and I can prove it says Grandpa. How about a demonstration?

The auditor thinks for a moment and says...Okay. Go
ahead.

Grandpa says...I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.

The auditor thinks a moment and says... It's a bet.

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says...Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa certainly isn't blind; and so, he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous...
Want to go double or nothing? Grandpa asks. I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between.

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy can possibly pull off this stunt; and so, he agrees to go through with the bet.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side. So, he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

Are you okay the auditor asks?

Not really, says the attorney. This morning when Grandpa told me that he had been summoned for an audit, he had bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!
 
Career Change: Gynecologist to Mechanic
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was simply burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college and learned as much as he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous confidence.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing the grade was an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is a grading error.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total grade.

You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler which I've never seen done in my entire career."
 
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused. "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made you just a little while ago.
" Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Just a clean joke that is more sweet then a joke but still a nice short read.
 
In reference to the Liverpool v Man U game of last week...

What do you give a small prick .... a small condom
what do you give a large prick .... a large condom
what do you a thick prick .... a Liverpool shirt ^^
 
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few
years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she
became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 
Mickey Mouse goes to see a lawyer to get a divorce from Minnie Mouse. He explains to his lawyer why he wants to get the divorce , and they set a court date.

When they get to court, the lawyer gets up and reads the statement:

"My client, Mr Mouse would like to divorce Mrs Mouse, because he believes she is beginning to show signs of mental illness".

Mickey Mouse jumps up and says "I never said she is mentally ill, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
 
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it,
and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
 
Fivel said:
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it,
and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
Click to expand...

LOooooooooooooooolLLL
 
Hope no gingers take offense, but...

Whats the difference between a brick and a ginger? The brick will get laid at least once.
You know that Harry Potter is a fantasy because the ginger has 2 friends...
 
The Kruger National Park recently conducted an experiments on lions and tigers.

They found out that lions would never cheat on their wives.

But a tiger wood.
 
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