the JOKE thread

Aaah... Americans and their jury of their "peers".


Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for the past year:

* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

Two-hand scratching after this one.

* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch. You're getting a bald spot!

* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

* SECOND PLACE *
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000..... Oh yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are
you sitting down?

She got $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

We, as a society, are getting more stupid!
 
ViperGTI said:
Aaah... Americans and their jury of their "peers".


Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for the past year:

* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

Two-hand scratching after this one.

* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch. You're getting a bald spot!

* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

* SECOND PLACE *
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000..... Oh yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are
you sitting down?

She got $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

We, as a society, are getting more stupid!
Click to expand...

Only number one makes sens the rest are like WTF
 
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she
is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his
chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.
 
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. "Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,"... the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun...and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'."

The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet... with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..." The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up seven times.
 
One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a
meeting.

"Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and
bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I
will batter to death with my dick!"

Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots.

"You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've
brought you a basket of carrots."

The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick.

The rabbit cries, laughs, cries, laughs, cries, laughs ...

"Why are you crying?" says the lion.

"It hurts," says the rabbit.

"And why the fuck are you laughing?" says the lion.

"I've just seen the hedgehog," says the rabbit, "and he's gathering
mushrooms."
 
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,

"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take shit off anybody!"
 
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
 
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chiefs' weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord," he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, "In Vietnam.''
 
In Bangladesh, for hygiene reasons, people only eat with one hand because
they wipe their arses with the other.

I think it would more hygienic not to eat while taking a crap.
 
Not sure if this one has been done...

An electron walks into a bar, ''how much for drink'', to which the bartender replys, '' for you sir, no charge.''
 
Forget the jokes, sometimes quotes are funny as hell...

"I have nothing left to live for except the joy of suicide" - Dominion Tank Police
"Have you tried turning it off and on again?" - IT Crowd
"Welcome. My name is Peter. People call me John" - John the Baptist
"Thank you Vishnu for introducing me to Christ" - Life of Pi

I sometimes have a truly awesome giggle at some of the funny stuff people say in movies. :) Those are some of my favorite (family friendly) quotes :)

That and a signature I saw on another forum:
"There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who read binary and those who don't"
 
DrDude said:
Forget the jokes, sometimes quotes are funny as hell...

"I have nothing left to live for except the joy of suicide" - Dominion Tank Police
"Have you tried turning it off and on again?" - IT Crowd
"Welcome. My name is Peter. People call me John" - John the Baptist
"Thank you Vishnu for introducing me to Christ" - Life of Pi

I sometimes have a truly awesome giggle at some of the funny stuff people say in movies. :) Those are some of my favorite (family friendly) quotes :)

That and a signature I saw on another forum:
"There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who read binary and those who don't"
Click to expand...

Actually it's there are 2 kinds of people in this world... One who read's binary and the other that uses a binary translator :p
 
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
 
Die vlermuis kom ingevlieg by die grot met vars bloed op sy mond.
Die ander vlermuise gaan mal, want hulle wil ook daarvan he.
Na 'n lang gesukkel vlieg hulle almal hom agterna en kom te lande voor 'n groot boom...
"Sien julle hierdie boom?"
"JA, JA" skree die honger vlermuise!
"Wel goed vir julle, want ek f@kken het nie!!!!

:D
 
MalicE said:
Die vlermuis kom ingevlieg by die grot met vars bloed op sy mond.
Die ander vlermuise gaan mal, want hulle wil ook daarvan he.
Na 'n lang gesukkel vlieg hulle almal hom agterna en kom te lande voor 'n groot boom...
"Sien julle hierdie boom?"
"JA, JA" skree die honger vlermuise!
"Wel goed vir julle, want ek f@kken het nie!!!!

:D
Click to expand...

My grasp of this is shockingly good :eek:, didn't double take once :p
 
Man kom dronk by die huis. Vrou slaap oopmond in die bed. Hy gooi twee
panados in haar mond. Sy verstik haar amper dood.

Vrou...wat het jy in my mond gegooi?!

Man...twee panados...

Vrou...ek het dan nie hoofpyn nie.

Man...Dis wat ek wil hoor mamma. Dis wat ek wil hoor!
 
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