the JOKE thread
- Thread starter wizdumb
- Start date
ViperGTI
New member
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?' asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good ... and she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?' asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good ... and she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Intoxik8ed
New member
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
ViperGTI
New member
NEW TACTICS FOR 2013:
I've cancelled my armed response, tore out my alarm system and de-registered from my neighbourhood watch.
I've got 4 Vierkleur flags raised in my grounds, one at each corner and the AWB flag in the center of the garden, a Blue Bulls flag draped in the window, God loves the AWB sticker on my cars and my sound system alternately plays the old SA anthem and "De La Rey" at full volume!
The Local Police, Department of Home affairs and Hawks are all watching my house 24/7.
I'VE NEVER FELT SAFER!
I've cancelled my armed response, tore out my alarm system and de-registered from my neighbourhood watch.
I've got 4 Vierkleur flags raised in my grounds, one at each corner and the AWB flag in the center of the garden, a Blue Bulls flag draped in the window, God loves the AWB sticker on my cars and my sound system alternately plays the old SA anthem and "De La Rey" at full volume!
The Local Police, Department of Home affairs and Hawks are all watching my house 24/7.
I'VE NEVER FELT SAFER!
Weasley
New member
i LOL so hard this best joke ever.
ViperGTI
New member
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson" said his Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"Aplomb" my Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure"
"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."
"I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling does your prick still throb?
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!
Now that is aplomb!
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson" said his Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"Aplomb" my Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure"
"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."
"I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling does your prick still throb?
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!
Now that is aplomb!
wizdumb
New member
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the pharmacy at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten rand...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the pharmacy. He deposits ten rand, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the pharmacy, eager to check the results. He deposits ten rand, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twinhttp://mygaming.co.za/news girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the pharmacy at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten rand...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the pharmacy. He deposits ten rand, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the pharmacy, eager to check the results. He deposits ten rand, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twinhttp://mygaming.co.za/news girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Ichigo
New member
1. Saw one
"Wife and dog missing, there is a reward for the dog"
2. Once upon a time there was a baby who was born with only a head, when he looked through the window he wondered why the other children were lucky to have a full body.
One day the fairy godmother came to him and asked him what wish would he like. He said i would like a body so i can run and play with the other children, voila his wish came true.
He went running outside and got hit by a bus and died. Whats the moral of the story? Always stay a-head
Have one with Malema and an Alien but didnt go down too well the last time I told it a while back
"Wife and dog missing, there is a reward for the dog"
2. Once upon a time there was a baby who was born with only a head, when he looked through the window he wondered why the other children were lucky to have a full body.
One day the fairy godmother came to him and asked him what wish would he like. He said i would like a body so i can run and play with the other children, voila his wish came true.
He went running outside and got hit by a bus and died. Whats the moral of the story? Always stay a-head
Have one with Malema and an Alien but didnt go down too well the last time I told it a while back
ViperGTI
New member
PM it to me... Malema jokes always go down well with me.
Ichigo
New member
ViperGTI
New member
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help leave you willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke all-night.
WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you
feel may benefit!
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz.
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help leave you willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke all-night.
WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you
feel may benefit!
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz.
Ichigo
New member
ViperGTI
New member
Did ya get my pm earlier if not you can check my blog its on there
Got it thanks
Ichigo
New member
Weasley
New member
no problem if I find new ones or make up ones they will be in my blog from now on
link to blog please
Ichigo
New member
link to blog please
click the number under my profile next to blog entries left of this post
Ichigo
New member
link to blog please
I posted a website in my blog for malema jokes if ya want to check it out
MissileToe
New member
A bit dirty this one, but here goes:
A man, desperate for money, decided to enter his hideous wife in to an ugly dog contest. So he covered her with pitch, stuck some cotton wool all over her and used a broomstick to make a tail.
They went off to the contest and entered, and to the man's utter amazement, he won first prize.
One of the judges took him aside afterwards and said, "You know, admittedly that isn't the ugliest dog I've ever seen, but it is the very first dog I've seen with its poephol above its tail!"
A man, desperate for money, decided to enter his hideous wife in to an ugly dog contest. So he covered her with pitch, stuck some cotton wool all over her and used a broomstick to make a tail.
They went off to the contest and entered, and to the man's utter amazement, he won first prize.
One of the judges took him aside afterwards and said, "You know, admittedly that isn't the ugliest dog I've ever seen, but it is the very first dog I've seen with its poephol above its tail!"