the JOKE thread

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off
the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to
me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.
 
How fights start...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes" she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that’s how the fight started…
 
Bob

rofl2.gif

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.


Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real b*tch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
 
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Jim worked in a carrot canning factory for over 30 years. One day he came home to his wife to tell her that he has terrible urges to stick his d#ck into the carrot slicer. His wife is shocked and suggests that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Jim said he would be too embarrassed. He said it was probably just a phase and he would be ok. One day a few weeks later, Jim came home. His wife could see that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Jim?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this incredible urge to put my d#ck into the carrot slicer?"
"Jim, please tell me you didn't!"
"Yes, I did."
"My God Jim, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"Oh no! I mean why? What happened to the carrot slicer?"
"She got fired too."
 
A Department of Water Resource representative stops at a Free State farm and talks with the old farmer . He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for the water allocation". The farmer says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there".
The government employee says, "Meneer, I have the full authority of the AN...C Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Do you understand?"
The farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Shortly, thereafter hears loud screams and sees the government employee running for his life followed close behind by the farmer's bull, who's gaining with every step. He is clearly terrified, and is screaming for help, so the old farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....."Jou kaart, wys vir hom jou f****** kaart!
 
Every morning when the English teacher came to the Afrikaans students to
Give them an English lecture she greeted them as follows; "Good morning
class!" and every time only one boy would get up out of the whole class to
greet the teacher in return. This happened time and again until she decided
to call him up to her desk and ask him loud enough for everyone to hear:
"Why is it that every time I greet the whole class, only you stand up to
greet me?"

He replied to the teacher in English : "It are 'cause I are the only person
here what's name are Klaas!"
 
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.His dad also told hi...m that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?""Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.""That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fkd if he needed glasses".
 
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.
 
Jokes-

You are not stupid just posessed by a retarded ghost

Have u ever considered to sue your brain for non support

Soz for the mean jokes :)
 
"I written a romantic comedy.
It's boy meets girl, classic.
Initially they hate each other, classic.
But they end up in bed together, classic!
It's called the rapist"

-Jimmy Carr
 
Quality of the jokes are starting to head downhill - although maybe it's a little late to make that particular statement. :rolleyes:

In the meantime - some comments from airport ground-crews:

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics and other ground crew any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics/ground crew read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers or ground crew.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: The autopilot doesn't.
S: IT DOES NOW.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: 3 roaches in cabin.
S: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
S: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Funny sounds from behind instrument panel.
S: Installed non-funny sounds.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to "straighten up, fly right, and be serious".

P: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
S: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

P: Turn-and-slip indicator ball stuck in centre during turns.
S: Congratulations. You have just made your first co-ordinated turn.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Weather radar went ape!
S: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.
 
Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies:

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged R5.99 for the first 10 words and R1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinkingabout what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

[FONT=&quot]10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.[/FONT]
 
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