the JOKE thread

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"
 
Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China
 
shadowfox said:
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"
Click to expand...
Bwhahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
 
shadowfox said:
police arrested patrick lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of dacula, ga, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. On friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the gwinnett county courthouse on monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "you know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least i thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "i guess i was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, lawrence apparently failed to notice a gwinnett county police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer brenda taylor approached him. "it was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer taylor. "i walked up to (lawrence) and he's... Just working away at this pumpkin."

taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached lawrence. "i just went up and said, 'excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' he froze and was clearly very surprised that i was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'a pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"
Click to expand...

rofl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word "mañana" (pronounced “manyana”).

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Or perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who really cares?"

The host turned to Mr. Sipho Msondtlwana who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in his native language.

"Eish Madam" he replied. "In Xhosa we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."
 
wizdumb said:
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word "mañana" (pronounced “manyana”).

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Or perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who really cares?"

The host turned to Mr. Sipho Msondtlwana who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in his native language.

"Eish Madam" he replied. "In Xhosa we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."
Click to expand...

/facepalm...
 
top ten tips to know if you have PMS

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
 
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave? I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'






He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
 
A little boy said to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark."
 
I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still...

"What are you doing?"

"Something I learnt from online porn. It's called buffering"
 
Ghost02 said:
I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still...

"What are you doing?"

"Something I learnt from online porn. It's called buffering"
Click to expand...

This joke took to long to show on my 56K dial-up modem! Remove the extra line-breaks, they take too long too load! :D
 
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.'
 
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*h**es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu**ing sheet rock..."
 
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:


Man: “Father, I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. However, yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins? '”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I'm not a Catholic, Father ......... I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Then why are you telling me all this, my son?”

Man: “Father, I'm 92 years old ..............I'm telling everybody.”
 
:D I reckon that story deserves an opposite counterpart - so here goes:

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"
 
A late night conversation between a woman and her husband:

Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!

Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.

Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.

Woman: You would? *hurt look*
Man: *groans*

Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?

Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

Woman: ...
Man: Oh crap!!
 
DenSweeP said:
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:


Man: “Father, I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. However, yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins? '”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I'm not a Catholic, Father ......... I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Then why are you telling me all this, my son?”

Man: “Father, I'm 92 years old ..............I'm telling everybody.”
Click to expand...

Good One!
One of the funnier ones.
This one is going to email...
 
A couple get a divorce and are in negotiations for the custody of their children. The judge asks each of them to defend their reasoning for their right to sole custody.

The wife replies,"The children are really mine, I carried them for nine months and spent hours in labour birthing them! He didn't really do anything!" The judge nods thoughtfully, recognizing the validity of her reasoning and asks for the husbands' defence.

The husband thinks for a minute and replies,"Your honour...if you put a dollar into a coke machine and a soda pops out, does that soda belong to you or the machine?"
 
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