the JOKE thread

Banelight said:
Chuck Norris's Granny was as hardcore as him...he bought her a roll of steel wool one year...and she knitted him a cortina VR6 :D
Click to expand...

Chuck Norris doesn't drive cars... he tells them where to go.

Cars were originally invented as a faster way of fleeing Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
 
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated: "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.

The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, NASA called a official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
 
A blonde walks into a store, and walks over to the appliance department.

One of the workers walks up to her and says:
"Good-day, Ma'am, how can I help you?"

The blonde looks at him and says:
"Hello, how much for this T.V.?"

The worker responds:
"I'm sorry, I don't sell to blondes"


Outraged by this, she leaves the store angrily...
... Determined to get that T.V., she decides to dye her hair to black.

The following week she returns to the store...


The same worker walks up to her and says:
"Good-day, Ma'am, how can I help you?"

To which she responds:
"Hello, how much for this T.V.?"

Once again, the workers responds - saying:
"I'm sorry, I don't sell to blondes"


Again, livid by this, she storms out of the store once again...
Finally, she changes her entire appearance, and returns to the store some days later...


The same worker walks up to her and says:
"Good-day, Ma'am, how can I help you?"

To which she responds:
"Hello, how much for this T.V.?"

To which he says:
"I'm sorry, I don't sell to blondes"

To which she says:
"I've changed my entire appearance, how do you know I'm blonde?!"

The worker responds:
"Ma'am - that's not a T.V.... It's a microwave".
 
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"Morning Sex"


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T'-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She replied, "The egg timer's broken."
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.

Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
McT said:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.

Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
Click to expand...

Quite hilarious!
 
Husbands & Wives

A Special Package for Businessmen.

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was. All of them gave the same reply... "What trip?"

New SIM to surprise her husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the Living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is in the kitchen.

Cool message by a wife

Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement."
 
Husbands & Wives


Throwing knives at wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

Habit of talking in sleep

A lady to doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
Dr: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake."

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around & no one teaches a man how to choose a wife. NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

Your husband needs rest

Doctor: "Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills."
Wife: "Doc, when should I give them to him?"
Doctor: "They are for you!"
 
Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!

Why? Her Mother asked.

Annie said, Kate from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.

Her mother answers laughingly But that's no reason to be ashamed

No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!
 
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