the JOKE thread

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "what's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow".
 
If a cat always lands on its feet and toast always lands buttered side down: what happens if you tie the buttered side facing up on a cat's back?
 
A man went to the pub with his wife.
When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered: "You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay.
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
 
Last edited:
AlienTaker said:
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

- - - Updated - - -

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
Click to expand...

hey bud, you need to multi quote when responding like this, otherwise we have no idea what you are referring to. The multi quote button can be found just to the right of reply and reply with quote.
 
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
 
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely shit my pants."
 
an Afrikaans joke

In Brakpan sukkel die ouens maar met die Engels.

Die Matrieks skryf hul Engels 2de Taal eindvraestel. Toe hulle klaar is vra Koos vir Piet: "Hoe lyk jou leeu wat ons moes teken?"

"Watse leeu?'" vra Piet.

Koos sê: "Het jy dan nie gesien nie? Onder aan die vraestel het gestaan 'Draw a line'."
 
So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."
 
Gatiep asks a prostitute "how much"?

She says "R50 on the bed, R20 on the Sofa and R10 on the grass.

He hands her R50 and says "let's go!"

She Says "R50! you are obviously a man of class".

Gatiep responds "Class se Gat! 5 Keer op die Gras......"
 
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
 
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
 
A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"


He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
 
Male VS Female logic!

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: R9.00 (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs R9 and you have 3 a day which puts your spending each month at R810. In one year, it would be approximately R9855 …correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend R9855, not accounting for inflation, the past20 years puts your spending at R197,100, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much BEER, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

 
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.



The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.

Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
 
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