the JOKE thread

wizdumb

wizdumb

New member
so if you know a funny joke, or received a cool one, post 'em here.

lets lighten up the day

my last joke email received

**

Zuma: "Julius, what's for lunch?"
Julius: "My Comrade President.....Full chicken, four rolls...bla bla bla from Nandos for only R99.95"
Zuma: Well, take some money from the petty cash"
Julius: It's free My Comrade"
Zuma: "Free? How so?"
Julius: "I went to Nandos and told them it was for you and they should drop the charges!!!"
 
found one of my fav jokes (thx to google) - old one, but still funny

An Italian, an Irishman & a Chinese man are hired to work on a construction site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand & says to the Italian," You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." To the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

He tells them that he has to go somewhere & when he returns 2 hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched..

"Why didn't you sweep any of it?" he asks the Italian. The Italian replies in a heavy accent," I no gotta broom, an you tella me dat da Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies but he disappear & I no finda him".

The foreman then turns to the Irishman & asks why he didn't shovel. "Aye, well I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies but I couldna find him".

The foreman is furious & storms off looking for the Chinese fellow. He can't find him anywhere & is getting angrier by the minute.

Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand & yells, "Supplies"
 
A rabbit walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "I want a cup of coffee.” The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So the Rabbit leaves, but when he leaves he sees two friends entering the bar so he joins them. His friends ask for a beer and sandwich but the rabbit says "I wanna cup of coffee"
The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So the rabbit leaves again, but he sees two more friends so he joins them in the bar. His friends order a beer and a sandwich but the Rabbit still says, "I want a cup of coffee"
"Look,” says the bartender "we don’t serve coffee here. Now leave or I will nail your ears to the bar!"
So the rabbit leaves, but he yet again sees two more friends and enters the bar.
But this time the rabbit says, "Do you have a hammer?"
"No" replies the bartender
Do you have any nails?"
"No"
"Then I want a cup of coffee"
 
wizdumb said:
found one of my fav jokes (thx to google) - old one, but still funny

an italian, an irishman & a chinese man are hired to work on a construction site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand & says to the italian," you're in charge of sweeping." to the irishman he says, "you're in charge of shovelling." to the chinese man he says, "you're in charge of supplies."

he tells them that he has to go somewhere & when he returns 2 hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched..

"why didn't you sweep any of it?" he asks the italian. The italian replies in a heavy accent," i no gotta broom, an you tella me dat da chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies but he disappear & i no finda him".

The foreman then turns to the irishman & asks why he didn't shovel. "aye, well i couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the chinese fella in charge of supplies but i couldna find him".

The foreman is furious & storms off looking for the chinese fellow. He can't find him anywhere & is getting angrier by the minute.

Suddenly the chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand & yells, "supplies"
Click to expand...



looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool!
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
 
the wording makes it seems like its a capie joke, but anyways funny and gross at the same time

When I was a young laaitie, making out in the biscope was the

ultimate thing to do. You know, sitting right at the back of the

cinema in a dark corner with one of the hottest honeys in the southern

suburbs, ja hey, life just didn't get any better than that.



On one such evening I managed to get this hotty from Wynberg Girls To

accompany me to the Luxarama (lets face it, the Luxy rikked back then)

and true to my nature we sat right at the back of the Luxy and as soon

as the lights went out we started our vrying session. Now don't get me

wrong, this kind was super hot and she had the softest lips I ever

come

across but there was one thing bothering me, this kind kept on shoving

her bubblegum in my bek while kissing and normally that wouldn't

bother me but the bubblegum had bogerol taste left so it was just

morsig.



So after the third time she shoved it in my bek and I shoved it back

in her's I stopped kissing her and asked her to remove her bubblegum.

When she asked me what bubblegum my moer stripped and told her the

blerrie bubblegum you been shoving in my bek the whole time. She

said:"oh sorry i'm not chewing any bubblegum, I'm just suffering from

a bit of Bronchitis".
 
What's worse than finding six dead babies in a trash can?

{answer in white}

Finding one baby in six trash cans!


Here's another one:

A bergie walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a toothpick.
The bartender says no, and that the bergie should get lost. The bergie replies that no, he won't get lost until the bartender gives him a toothpick.
The bartender agrees and gives him a toothpick. The bergie gets lost.

Then another bergie walks in, and asks for a toothpick. The bartender says no, get lost. The bergie replies that he won't get lost until the bartender gives him a toothpick. The bartender agrees, and gives him a toothpick. The bergie gets lost.

Then a third bergie walks into the bar and asks, "Can I have a straw?"
The bartender says, " Why can't you have a toothpick like the rest of your friends?"
The bergie replies, "Well, you see, someone vomited on the pavement outside and all of the lumpy bits have been taken."

Pretty groos, eh? That's all I have for now!
 
Strategist01 said:
What's worse than finding six dead babies in a trash can?

{answer in white}

Finding one baby in six trash cans!


Here's another one:

A bergie walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a toothpick.
The bartender says no, and that the bergie should get lost. The bergie replies that no, he won't get lost until the bartender gives him a toothpick.
The bartender agrees and gives him a toothpick. The bergie gets lost.

Then another bergie walks in, and asks for a toothpick. The bartender says no, get lost. The bergie replies that he won't get lost until the bartender gives him a toothpick. The bartender agrees, and gives him a toothpick. The bergie gets lost.

Then a third bergie walks into the bar and asks, "Can I have a straw?"
The bartender says, " Why can't you have a toothpick like the rest of your friends?"
The bergie replies, "Well, you see, someone vomited on the pavement outside and all of the lumpy bits have been taken."

Pretty groos, eh? That's all I have for now!
Click to expand...

Ahhh EEUUWWW!!!
 
A Boer goes to see an English speaking lawyer in order to start divorce
proceedings.
The lawyer asks him, "May I help you?"
The Boer says, "Ja. I would like to have a divorce."
The lawyer asks him, "Do you have any grounds?"
The Boer says, "Ja. I got 600 hektyres."
The lawyer says, "Sir, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?
The Boer says, "Ja. Of course I got a suit. I wore it to church on
Sundays."
The lawyer says, "Ahmm. No, what I mean sir, is, do you have a case?"
The Boer says proudly, "Now let me tell you, that are not good tractors.
I got two John Deeres."
The lawyer is beginning to sweat. "Sir. Do you have a grudge?"
The Boer's also a bit irritated by now. "Ja. I of course I got a grudge.
That's where I park the bakkie."
The lawyer, sighing, asks, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The Boer says, "No, we both get up at 04:30."
By now the lawyer is getting really frustrated, but tries one last
question. "Does your wife nag? Is she a nagger?"
The Boer says, "No, SHE'S white. But our last child is a nagger. That's
why I wants to get a divorce."
 
An ancient one but still very capable of bringing a smile -

The Gold Nut.

There once was a guy who was born with a gold nut tightly fastened onto his Johnson.
It interfered with his sex life you see, so all his life was spent looking for ways to get rid of the gold nut.
At last, already well into his twenties, he heard about a sangoma deep in the heart of Africa who might be able to offer some assistance.
So off he went to Africa and after two weeks of searching came upon the sangoma's hut.
He rushed inside and proceeded to tell and show the sangoma his sorry little predicament.
After consulting the Ancestors, the sangoma told the guy he had a cure.

"Go into the forest fifty kilometres west of here and find the fallen baobab tree. Camp there until the full moon rises and when the moon is right above you, you must lie naked against the tree. Be patient and your problem will be solved".

As you can imagine, the guy left straight away for the spot, found it and set up camp.
Three nights later the moon rose full and the guy got naked and lay on the tree.
He waited and waited and finally noticed a golden spanner descending from the sky.
With shock and awe, he watched as the golden spanner proceeded to undo the gold nut from his Johnson and then vanish when the job was done.
So happy was the guy that he couldn't move and he just lay there crying tears of joy.
After his elation subsided enough for him to get a grip, he stood up to leave ... and his arse fell off !

:D
 
LMAO.jpg
 
Two boys are playing cricket on a field in Durban when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his cricket bat and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist,luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Sharks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, "he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sharks fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Durban, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.

"Western Province Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack ..." he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Western Province fan either!" the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Durban was either for the Sharks or Western Province." "So what team DO you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Blue Bulls fan!" the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Little Bastard from Pretoria Kills Beloved Family Pet."
 
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