the JOKE thread

hahahahah

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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom, I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They talked to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties; he is in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night...

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ...
except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"
 
and a joke my manager just told me when we switched over to the cricket...

...its lame bewarned

what do you call an ausie with 3 sheep

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a pimp
 
So there's these two guys out on a hunting trip. This is what happened:

(guy1 looks up)
Guy1: Did you see it?
guy2: No, I didn't. What was it?
guy1: It was a fish eagle, waaayyy up there! (points upward)

They walk a bit further come to the top of a hill.

(guy1 looks forward at the top of another hill)
guy1: Did you see it?
guy2: No, I didn't. What was it?
guy1: It was a leopard on top of that hill!
guy2: whatever.

(they walk further along, and guy1 looks behind him)
guy1: Did you see it?
guy2: (thouroughly annoyed) YES! I SAW IT!
guy1: Then why did you step in it?
 
A guy is at work and his girlfriend calls him.
"Tonight's the night," she says. "But before we
have sex, I want you to have dinner with me and
my parents. And before you come over, stop and
pick up some condoms."

The guy stops by the drug store on the way to her
parents' house.

While he's looking at the condom assortment, the
pharmacist comes over.

"Can I help you," he says.

"Well, my girlfriend says tonight's the night.
And I don't know how to choose a condom."

"Well," says the pharmassist, "these are
lubricated, these are textured and these are
regular."

"Give me one of each," says the kid.

That night at dinner with her parents, the
girlfriend asks her boyfriend to say grace.

The boyfriend bows his head and silently prays
and prays and prays.

Finally, the girlfriend says, "Wow, I had no idea
you were so religous."

The boyfriend replies, "I had no idea your father
was a pharmacist."
 
A kid is on a bus and says to the grumpy bus driver, "If my mommy was a hippo and my daddy was a hippo I'd be a baby hippo. And if my mommy was a zebra and my daddy was a giraffe I'd be a baby zebra-giraffe. And if my mommy was a lion and my daddy was a cheetah I'd be a baby lion-cheatah."

The bus driver, getting annoyed, says "Oh yeah? What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was an asshole?"

The kid replies..."I'd be a bus driver."
 
Die polisie kry 'n telefoon oproep om hulp.

"Help asseblief, hier het nou net 'n kat deur die venster geklim!"

"Wat bedoel jy, 'n kat?" vra die polisieman.

"'n Kat! 'n Groot kat! ................ Hier kom die kat vir my!"

"Maak jy 'n grap?" vra die polisieman.

"Nee!! Heeelppppppppp!!!

"Met wie praat ek?" vra die polisieman

"Met die papegaai!!!"
 
A guy is having marital problems. He and the
wife are not communicating at all and he's
lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a
pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in
parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots
he notices one with no feet. Surprised he
mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk
well for a parrot."

The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well
educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports,
religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was
looking for."

The parrot says "There's not much of a market for
maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20
for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months
things go great. When he comes home from work
the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the
parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and
shut the door."

The guy says "What's up?"

The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you
this, but the mailman came today. Your wife
answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."

The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says "Well, maybe, but then he fondled
her breasts."

The guy says "He did??"

The parrot says "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee
down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on
and fell off my perch."
 
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Mary, “what do we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“What shall I do now”? she shouts. “Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary. “Show him your cross”, says Sister Helen.

“Now you're talking,” says Sister Mary. She opens the window and shouts, “Get the fuck off our car!”
 
lmao, necuna...

...hahaha, rush, i had to read it twice to fully understand (long day, not me being daft ;) )
 
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an
abandoned gas station. They approached one of
the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed
it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting. There was no
response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be
the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray
gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this
way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you
musn't anger him!", but before he finished his
warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them
200 meters into the desert, where they landed in
a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one
who fired turned to the other one and said, "What
a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us!
But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing
I've learned during my travels through the
galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap
around himself twice and then stick into his own
ear, you don't mess with him!"
 
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a military gala event one evening. There was no shortage of pretty young ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his medals and decorations and said, “It looks like you've seen a lot of action.”

The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Affirmative, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”

She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
 
old but still funny

Koos was walking through his veld one day when he spots someone drinking water from a pool.

He shouts, "Moenie die **** water drink nie, poephol, dis vol **** **** en kolera!

The other guy says, "I'm a visiting Australian cricket supporter mate, can you speak English please!"

Koos replies, "Use bofe hands, you gets more wota vat way".
 
Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the
play-ground and go into the woods. Curious, he
follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in
a "Passionate Embrace". Johnnie finds this so
exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs
home and starts to tell his mother excitedly:

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look
and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
layed down on the seat, then Daddy.."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said,
"Johnnie, this is such an interesting story.
Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you
tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell
his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing
the car into the woods, the undressing, laying
down on the seat, and...

"...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing
Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in
the army."
 
A priest and a nun are riding a camel through the
desert. It's so hot the camel collapses and dies
of heat and exhaustion. The priest knows they
will die soon also, so he asks the nun if there's
anything she would like to do that she has never
been done before in her life.

She says, "I have never seen a man naked before."

The priest says, "My heavens sister, I can't
believe you would say a something like that, but
since it's your dying request I'll fulfill it."

He takes off his clothes and the sister is
surprised and points between his legs and says,"
What is that?"

The priest says, " This is my staff of life. I
can put it in your hole and create life!"

So the sister says, " Well stick it in the camel
and let's get the hell out of here!"
 
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