the JOKE thread

Dit is April en die Boesmans in ‘n afgeleë deel van die Kalahari vra hulle nuwe stamhoof of dit hierdie winter matig of koud gaan wees. Omdat hy stamhoof is in meer moderne tye, het hy nooit die ou geheime geleer nie. Wanneer hy die lug bestudeer, kon hy nie sê hoe die winter gaan wees nie.
Nieteenstaande het hy besluit om dit veilig te speel en hy sê toe dat dit ‘n koue winter gaan wees en hulle moet begin brandhout bymekaar maak ter voorbereiding. Hy is egter ‘n praktiese man en na ‘n paar dae kry hy ‘n plan. Hy stap na ‘n publieke telefoon by die nasionale pad, skakel die weerburo en vra, “Gaan die komende winter koud wees in die Kalahari?”
“Ja dit lyk so” sê die een wat geantwoord het.
Hy gaan terug na die stam en sê hulle moet nog meer hout bymekaar maak.
‘n Week later skakel hy weer die weerburo.
“Lyk dit nog steeds na ‘n baie koue winter?”
“Ja, dit gaan baie koud wees.”
Hy gaan terug en beveel hulle om elke stukkie hout wat hulle vind, op te tel.
Na twee weke skakel hy weer.
“Is julle heeltemal seker dat dit baie koud gaan wees?”
“Absoluut” kom die antwoord, “dit lyk al hoe meer na een van die koudste winters ooit.”
“Wat maak julle so seker?”
“Ons satelliet fotos wys die Boesmans maak verwoed hout bymekaar, en dis altyd ‘n seker teken.”
 
Sipho’ answer on Interview

Panel: Tell us about yourself, your background, work experience, educational qualifications.
Sipho: Refer to my CV. I don’t have time to repeat things.
Panel: What do you know about this company?
Sipho: Irrelevant for now. Ask me a week after you have appointed me.
Panel: Why are you interested in working for this company?
Sipho: Why did you advertise?
Panel: Why must we employ you & not other candidates?
Sipho: I don’t answer irrelevant questions. Decision is on you.
Panel: What are your strengths and weaknesses?
Sipho: Strengths: I moor bosses, Weaknesses: I always leave early especially Fridays.
Panel: Describe when you had disagreement with your colleague & what you have done
Sipho: My ex-boss & I hit him.
Panel: Why do you want to leave your employer?
Sipho: Same answer as above.

-------------

'n Ou Boesman kry 'n spieël in die veld.
Hy weet nie wat dit is nie.
Skrik toe hy daarin kyk, want die gesig wat hy sien, lyk nes sy oorlede pa.
Elke keer as hy na sy pa verlang, kyk hy in die spieël en huil verdrietig.
Sy vrou wonder wat aangaan en gryp die spieël.
Sy kyk daarin en sien die lelikste vrou wat sy nog ooit gesien het.
Sy skreeu vir haar man: 'Jou gemors, is dit oor hierdie lelike meid wat jy so tjank?'
 
If a tree falls down on your wife in the forest and there is no one to see it, does....

Wait....

WTF is a forest doing in my kitchen!?
 
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.
A man comes in and asks the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

" The farmer says,
"Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try and answer,
"Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full,
she took her left leg and kicked it over."

That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"Try me" the man says.

The farmer relenting, continued
"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.
Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full
she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Ok so 2 buckets of milk spilled. That still isn't that bad."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

" So, what did you do then?"
the man asked, intrigued.

"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
I sat back down and continued to milk her,
and just as I got the bucket just about full,
the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."


"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!"
but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?"
the man asked again. "
Well I didn't have any more rope,
so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
 
OM DIE DAG OP TE BEUR....



1899, Winburg-distrik, Oranje Vrystaat.

Generaal Edward Fatbottom is met 4 000 troepe in die veld om die
Boere op te fok ...

By die Slagveld gekom sien hy doer in die verte op 'n koppie staan 'n figuur
met wille hare, kortbroek aan met veldskoene sonner sokkies.

"Rooinek!" skree die Boer op die koppie. "Kom hier jou Engelse moer!

I wants to gives you one helluva pakslae!"

Edward draai om na sy 2IB en sê: "Send 20 men to deal with that
Boer upstart!"

Die Kakie-Majoor stuur 20 man om die Boer te gaan soek.

Tien minute later staan die Boer weer op die koppie.. "You English donner!
Stuur the rest of your Rooinekke. I will fok them almal op!"

Edward raak nou ietwat geirriteerd en sê vir die Majoor: "Send 100 men
to kill that little guttersnipe!"

Die Majoor stuur 100 man oor die koppie.

'n Rukkie later staan die Boer so waar as wragtig weer op die randjie en
skree: "Hey, you soutpiel! Jou ma se hare! I is just warming up! Come
moer me dik, as jy kan !"

Toe verloor Edward kop en stuur 400 troepe om die Boer dood te maak.

Tien minute later staan die Boer weer daar. Sy klere is geskeur en sy hare
is effens vol stof. Dis net snot en bloed en Edward kry die reuk van Klipdrif
op 400 treë.

Weer skree hy: "Is dat de best you can do? You bloody vrot pommies!
Come on, souties! Kom klap me stukkend!"

Rooi in die gesig sê Edward vir die Majoor: "Take the rest of the men
and don't come back until you have killed the bastard!"

Vyf minute later kom een van die troepe al gillende en vol bloed oor die
randjie gestorm: "Sir, Sir! skree hy, It's a trap! There are two of them!"
 
And before people a think this is racist, it's not.


A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat black guy is dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to
use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says.

"Zulu...Tango....Sierra"
 
These aren't very funny ones but still:

Question:
How does Lady Gaga likes her steak?
Answer:
Raw, raw, ra-a-a-aw...

Question:
Why did the duck cross the road?
Answer:
Because the chicken was on vocation...

Like i said these aren't very funny ones, but they should be enough to make you smile :)
 
Politically correct english for teenagers

ROFL at the Boer vs English joke :D

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot.. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
 
Why I'm divorced . . ..

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch..
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....
On the couch....

Naked.
 
A new study shows that more money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than on alzheimers research.

Scientists predict that by the year 2040 , the elderly will have perky breasts, raging hard ons - and no idea why.
 
Last edited:
murph said:
a new study shows that more money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than on alzheimers research.

Scientists predict that by the year 2040 , the elderly will have perky breasts, raging hard ons - and no idea why.
Click to expand...

loooooooooool
 
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