the JOKE thread

Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire
State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the
second, "You know, the wind currents are so
strong here in NYC that one could step off the
edge of the building and literally float in
mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal
air current."

"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy
to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge
of the building and justs floats in mid-air for
about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of
the building.

The second guy is simply thrilled and says,
"Watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof
into the open air. Of course he falls like a
stone straight down all the way to the waiting
pavement below--SPLAT!

The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire
time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You
know something Superman, sometimes you can be a
real asshole!"
 
After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him,
and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin
the process of populating the Earth, so I want
you to start by kissing Eve.' Adam answered,
'Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?' So the Lord
gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took
Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few
minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, 'Lord,
that was enjoyable.' And the Lord replied, 'Yes,
Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd
like you to caress Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord,
what's a 'caress'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief
description and Adam went again behind the bush
with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam
returned, smiling, and said, 'Lord, that was even
better than the kiss.'

And the Lord said, 'You've done well, Adam, and
now I want you to make love to Eve.' And Adam
said, 'Lord, what's 'making love'?' So the Lord
again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve,
behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in
two seconds... ..And Adam said,
'Lord, what's a 'headache'?'
 
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks
since he's eaten anything besides what he could
forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves
and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the
woods. It has vines covering most of it and the
man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney
implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers,
with a beard almost down to the ground. The old
man squints his eyes and says 'What do you want?'

The man says 'I've been lost for the past three
weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep
since that time. I would be most gracious if I
could have a meal and sleep in your house for
tonight'

The old Chinese man says 'I'll let you come in
on one condition: You cannot mess around with
my grandaughter'

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees,
saying 'I promise I won't cause you any trouble.
I'll be on my way tommorrow morning'

The old Chinese man counters 'Ok, but if I do
catch you then I'll give you the three worst
chinese torture tests ever known to man.'

'Ok, Ok' the man said as he entered the old
house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind
of woman would live out in the wilderness all her
life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat
(after showering), he saw how beautiful the
grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and
while he had only been lost three weeks, it had
been many, many months without companionship. And
the girl had only seen the occasional monk
besides her grandfather and well, they both
couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom
and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise
down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room
later that night thinking to himself, 'Any three
torture tests would be worth it after that
experience.'

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a
heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and
there was this huge rock on his chest. On the
rock was a sign saying '1st Chinese torture
test: 50 kg rock on your chest'.

'What a lame torture test' the man thought to
himself as he got up and walked over to the
window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock
out. On the backside of the rock is another sign
saying '2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied
to RIGHT testicle'.

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the
window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after
the rock. Outside the window is a third sign
saying '3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT
testicle tied to bedpost'.
 
the thing is,
back in 2000 i used to work at a it support centre. due to the overwhelming stimulation there (lol) i found www.newjoke.com. from there i just downloaded all their jokes being around 100 jokes. i still have that folder :p
 
Superman was bored one evening so decided to drop by his buddies to find out what they were doing.

First stop was Gotham City, because he knows whenever he tags along with Bruce, he gets to drive in the limo, do all the coke he wants and Bruce will pick up the bill for the call girls.

"Hey, Batman, wanna hit the town?"

"Sorry Superman. Gotta go bail Dick out. Freeloading **** got caught cutting up a hooker. Second time this week."

So, Superman made his way to Wally's. Wally's always got the best stash.

"Hey, Flash. Wanna get baked?"

"No dude. Just spent the last 12 minutes boning 9 honeys in 10 countries. A personal best. I'm gonna go get an icepack"

So, Superman makes his way to Wonderwoman. This was a last resort. Ever since he got into the friend zone, he was never able to get out. He lands on Wonderwoman's balcony and peers through the window. There he sees Wonderwoman, naked on her bed, legs spread.

He thinks to himself "I'm Superman. I can get in there, do my thing, and get out so fast she won't even know I was there."

So Superman goes in, does his thing and, like that, he was gone.

Wonderwoman says, "What was that!?"

The Invisible Man replies "I don't know. But, my bum is sore."
 
I got a short one liner, but it's kinda crude.. anyway here it goes..

Why did the blond sit naked on a newspaper?

Because she thought she could lip read ..
 
The King of England, the King of France and the King of Spain were arguing over which country's national anthem should be played at an upcoming event. They decided that whichever king had the biggest shlong, their country's anthem will be played at the event.

The King of France whips out his trouser snake. The other two kings strained their eyes trying to spot his thing before laughing. He promptly holstered his pee-shooter to avoid further embarrasment.

The Spanish King then unravels his own meat stick. It's a decent effort and the Spanish King looks quite chuffed with himself. The French King touches it to make sure it was real, or so he claims.

Now it was he English King's turn. He pulls out this hulking, throbbing, veiny peice of meat, like a babies arm holding an apple, knocking the French King to the the ground. He strokes his beast proudly. The other's are shocked. They had witnessed something truly majestic and agree that the English King wins the bet.
 
Ok im also not the only one who doesnt get it :p WHERE IS THE PUNCHLINE???? :p are you tryin to pull voicy stunts on us with the whole ADD Attention Deficite disoooooooohhhhhh lets ride bikes sorta thing lol... :p
 
A quick Google search has revealed a remarkably similar joke, though I'm not sure if it's the same one:

The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.
The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout: "Viva Espania!"
The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream: "Vive la France!"
Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims: "God save the Queen!"
 
RustPuppet said:
A quick Google search has revealed a remarkably similar joke, though I'm not sure if it's the same one:

The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.
The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout: "Viva Espania!"
The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream: "Vive la France!"
Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims: "God save the Queen!"
Click to expand...

My version requires you to think about it. It's more satisfying when you figure it out. I hate dumbed down jokes. This isn't the console forum :)
 
Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila
arguing about how tough they are.
The first mouse says,
"I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison.
" He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.
The second mouse replies,
"That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap,
grab the cheese, flip onto my back & bench-press the
killer springed trapwire." He slams down
his tequila and looks at the third mouse.
The third mouse slams down histequila
slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar.
The other mice scream, "Oi! Softy!, where do you think you're going?!
The third mouse replies, "Home, to shag the cat."
 
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