the JOKE thread

BlaZing said:
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got
more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did
it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ”I’m
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I
watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and
headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me
and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Click to expand...

bwahahahahahahahahaha...... that is just brilliant :D :p
 
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I
can get a haircut?

"The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2
hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop
and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and
said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.
Follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait
for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said........

"Your house."
 
While stitching up the hand of an 80-year-old farmer, who got cut while fencing on his property, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Jacob Zuma and his appointment as President of theANC.

"Well, you know," drawled thefarmer, "this Zuma fella is what they call a fencepost turtle". Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a ‘fencepost turtle’."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of fool put him up there in the first place!"
 
This 1s quite old...

>> GORILLA PROBLEMS
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree in the
front yard. He looks in the phone book for a Gorilla Removal Service.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can handle that. I'll be right over."
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of hand cuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."
 
A female teacher, wearing a quite revealing summer dress, was giving
an
assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment
so
she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a
giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and
asked,

"What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw your @ss!"
Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for
three
days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten
to
title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She
quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw your @ss and some pubic hair!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment
is
more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around
again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of
laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little
Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
I'm going to look for a job because from what I just saw, my school
days
are over!
 
Dixie said:
Two Dutch girls knock of a bit late from work.

They hop on their trusted bicycles and head off home.

The one says to the other: "I know of a shortcut that swings by the Docks"

The second girl agrees to follow the first girl.

After a while the second girl stutters: "I've never come this way before!"

To which the first girl replies: "I know. It's the cobble stones!"
Click to expand...

Ha Ha lmimmi - are they blonds
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated
him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he
got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not
hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language..
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney
replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?
 
wizdumb said:
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated
him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he
got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not
hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language..
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney
replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?
Click to expand...

lol good one
 
i got this off MyBB its brilliant :D

a lecturer was giving a speech on the chemical composition of a sperm cell.
one of the front row girls decided to question his theories: "excuse me sir, but if I understand you correctly, you theory is that an average sperm collection has the same amount of glucose as sugar. "
the lecturer replied affirmatively.
the young lady then proceeded: "if that is correct, then why does it taste salty?"
after the laughter died down, the lecturer outdid her with a comeback: "Young lady, the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat." "
the class went wild
true story
Click to expand...
 
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a
park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the
middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal
society.
'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the
pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and
said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three
Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
 
Einstein was born March 14, 1879.

He would be 130 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as….








Einstein’s Theory of Relative Titty
 
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