the JOKE thread

Man calls home.

“Your cat is dead,” says his brother.

“Well that’s a fine way to tell someone a terrible piece of news.”

“How else should I have said it?” Asks the brother.

“Well, I don’t know you could start by gently preparing me for bad news, say, the cat is stuck on the roof. Then in the next phone call you could say it doesn’t look good and that you’ve called the fire brigade. That way I would be prepared for the worst.”

“Oh okay.”

“So, how’s Mum?”

“Well…..she’s on the roof right now.”
 
Thought I'd post this here too ...... :D

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .. Oh my god!! What have I j ust said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female newscaster who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Click to expand...
 
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response which was:

'I Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
 
Blonde paint job - -

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
hahaha, good one

another blonde joke, but this time a blonde guy joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.


They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."


The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."



The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Polony again! If I get a polony
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."


The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the polony and jumped to his
death
as well.


At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"


The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."



Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

Moenie na my kyk nie! Hy maak sy eie **** toebroodjies!!!!.
 
wizdumb said:
hahaha, good one

another blonde joke, but this time a blonde guy joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.


They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."


The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."



The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Polony again! If I get a polony
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."


The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the polony and jumped to his
death
as well.


At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"


The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."



Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

Moenie na my kyk nie! Hy maak sy eie **** toebroodjies!!!!.
Click to expand...

bwahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha..... :D excellent one Wiz :D please hurry and get ur 2K coz u have to get the custom title of Court Jester :)
 
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gateswhen all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?''Not to worry,' says St. Peter,'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.''I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.''You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.''Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that..
 
Solitude said:
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gateswhen all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?''Not to worry,' says St. Peter,'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.''I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.''You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.''Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that..
Click to expand...

Old people and sex is never funny :)
 
Jacob Zuma was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below.
Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to the Aquarium in Cape Town' Jacob said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special President's aeroplane.'
The second kid said, 'I want seasonal rugby tickets.' Jacob said, 'I'll get them for you and even have the teams sign memorabilia for you!'
The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
Jacob was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your **** from drowning!'
 
Just got this in an email...

No Speaka da English

A bus stopped and 2 Jamaican men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

"Em’ come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in
Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "
Mississippi '."

I bet R100 you're gonna read this again!
 
Oculate said:
Just got this in an email...

No Speaka da English

A bus stopped and 2 Jamaican men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

"Em’ come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in
Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "
Mississippi '."

I bet R100 you're gonna read this again!
Click to expand...

lol thats nice one
 
David came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did,
and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a
long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded David , "and what are you doing
in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter"..

David was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight
away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

David was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he
asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking
the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies David, "but I have this strange
feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've
never laid an egg before". "Never" replies David

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from
under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions
got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he
knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to
him....ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an
enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

" David , skrik wakker jou dronk bliksem, jy k@k in die bed !!!"
 
A bit differrent

Each of us is the result of the influence of many
people. However, some individuals have played a
significant role in our development, They are often
called "role models" that we consciously or
unconsciously imitate. Perhaps you know who that
person is, or perhaps you don't.
The world renowned SAMUEL HAIN, Ph.D, has given us
a simple way to determine our role model. It is easy
and only takes a minute and it may surprise you.
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???*
Be sure not to peek! You don't want to skew your
answer.
Try this - it's really neat.
Don't look at the answers:

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3, then

3) Add 3, then, again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you

get the Calculator....)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

5) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down ...............

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from

the list below:

1. Einstein

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Mother Teresa

4. Randubius Raji

5. Bill Gates

6. Johann Von Stueckenberg

7. Brad Pitt

8. Babe Ruth

9. McGuywer

10. Barack Obama

*I know...I just have that effect on people....one day

you too can be like me..... Believe it! *

* P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR

IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT.
 
McGuywer said:
A bit differrent

Each of us is the result of the influence of many
people. However, some individuals have played a
significant role in our development, They are often
called "role models" that we consciously or
unconsciously imitate. Perhaps you know who that
person is, or perhaps you don't.
The world renowned SAMUEL HAIN, Ph.D, has given us
a simple way to determine our role model. It is easy
and only takes a minute and it may surprise you.
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???*
Be sure not to peek! You don't want to skew your
answer.
Try this - it's really neat.
Don't look at the answers:

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3, then

3) Add 3, then, again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you

get the Calculator....)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

5) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down ...............

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from

the list below:

1. Einstein

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Mother Teresa

4. Randubius Raji

5. Bill Gates

6. Johann Von Stueckenberg

7. Brad Pitt

8. Babe Ruth

9. McGuywer

10. Barack Obama

*I know...I just have that effect on people....one day

you too can be like me..... Believe it! *

* P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR

IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT.
Click to expand...

lol Hax :mad:
 
The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
c) After wrecking your boss's car.
d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, range or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 3 - End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's gymnastics. Ever.



I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd
 
BlaZing said:
The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
c) After wrecking your boss's car.
d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, range or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 3 - End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's gymnastics. Ever.



I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd
Click to expand...

This is brilliant
 
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