ZEDtoCRICKET
New member
my teacher so fat she make messi's trophy cabinet look small
the JOKE thread
- Thread starter wizdumb
- Start date
ViperGTI
New member
Old one:
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand. saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary."
The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went
'Sssss,Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh*t,' the Rottweiler ate
her!"
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand. saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary."
The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went
'Sssss,Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh*t,' the Rottweiler ate
her!"
Kwaai
Finally Have An Avatar And Signature!
We had a Biology test today. It was extremely difficult. I got sick and was absent a few days so I missed out on a lot. I didn't understand anything. It was like the text was in Chinese. I got frustrated and yelled out... "I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING"!!! My teacher got mad when I interrupted the class so she yelled back... "WELL MAYBE IF YOU WOULD COME MORE OFTEN, IT WOULDN'T BE SO HARD"!!! So I grabbed my test. Walked right up to her desk. Slammed my test on her table. Looked her right in the eye and said...
..."That's what she said"...
..."That's what she said"...
Last edited:
ViperGTI
New member
Another golden oldie:
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two
chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Darn, I
WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met
a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me
how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from
there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no
time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend
me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up
against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?"
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil
on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two
chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Darn, I
WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met
a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me
how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from
there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no
time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend
me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up
against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?"
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil
on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
czc
Thread Killer Mk VIII
Stupid question, excellent answer!
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.
ViperGTI
New member
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding
anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special
occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were
married I was a hooker for eight years.'
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold
your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade
and spice up our sex life a bit?'
She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played
rugby for Wales ...
anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special
occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were
married I was a hooker for eight years.'
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold
your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade
and spice up our sex life a bit?'
She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played
rugby for Wales ...
PorkChop
New member
john decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
orkoza
New member
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about
50ft behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed
between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about
50ft behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed
between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
ViperGTI
New member
DIS NET GOEIE MANNIERE OM TE ONTHOU:
ALGEMEEN
1. Moet nooit bier saam vat na 'n job interview nie.
2. Probeer eers uitvind wie die mense in jou jaard is voor jy begin skiet.
3. Die dominee smaak dit nie as jy 'n cooler box saam vat kerk toe nie.
4. As jy die bed moet stofsuig is dit tyd om ander lakens op te sit.
5. Selfs al is jy seker jy is ingesluit in die testament, moenie jou Venter
saam sleep na 'n begrafnis toe nie.
UITEET
1. As jy wyn skink, tilt die paper cup sodat jy nie die "vrug" van die wyn
bederf nie.
2. As jy uit die bottel uit drink, hou hom so vas sodat jou vingers die
label toehou.
ONTHAAL IN JOU HUIS
1. Moenie jou geliefde opgestopte hamster / kat / hond / aap op die
koffietafel sit nie.
2. Moenie dat jou hond van die tafel af eet nie (al is sy maniere beter as
jou gaste s'n).
PERSOONLIKE GESONDHEID
1. Terwyl ore gereeld moet skoongemaak word, is dit 'n job wat verkieslik
met jou eie bakkiesleutels gedoen moet word.
2. As jy toiletware reg gebruik kan jy 'n paar dae gaan sonder 'n wassie.
3. Grond en olie onder jou vinger naels is 'n social nee, want dit gee daai
finger snacks 'n snaakse smaak en cherries laaik dit nie so kwaai nie.
VERHOUDINGS (buite die familie)
1. Bied altyd aan om die aas aan jou goose se hoek te sit, veral met die
eerste date.
2. Wees aggressief. Laat weet haar jy wag al twee jaar om met haar uit te
gaan nadat jy daai goed gelees het teen die toilet muur daar by die jol
plek.
3. Maak seker jy vind uit by haar ma-hulle wanneer sy by die huis moet
wees. Party sal sê 10-uur, ander "Maandag". As die antwoord Maandag is, is
dit jou job om te sorg dat sy betyds by die skool is.
FLIEK
1. Huilende babas moet verkieslik na die voorportaal gevat word en
onmiddelik na die show gehaal word.
2. Moenie met die mense op die screen probeer praat nie. Jarelange
wetenskaplike navorsing het bewys dat hulle jou nie kan hoor nie.
TROUES
1. Kleinvee is nie so 'n hot trougeskenk nie.
2. As jy die bruid langer as 5 sekondes soen, kan jy miskien geskiet word.
3. Vir die bruidegom: Huur 'n tux; 'n corduroy broek en T-shirt met 'n
cummerbund werk nie so lekker nie. Stofepipes is ook uit.
4. Al is dit moelik, sê maar ja vir sokkies en skoene (al is dit dan net
vir die kerk).
BESTUUR
1. Dim jou ligte as 'n kar van voor af kom, al is jou gun gelaai.
2. As jy by 'n 4-way stop kom, ry die ou met die grootste wiele eerste,
daarna die ou wie se exhaust die hardste raas.
3. Moet nooit 'n ander blaar se kar tou met pantyhose en duct tape nie.
4. As jy jou vrou/goose met 'n kannetjie stuur om te gaan petrol haal, is
dit swak maniere om haar te vra om bier ook terug te bring.
5. Moenie spin as jy in 'n begrafnisstoet ry nie.
ALGEMEEN
1. Moet nooit bier saam vat na 'n job interview nie.
2. Probeer eers uitvind wie die mense in jou jaard is voor jy begin skiet.
3. Die dominee smaak dit nie as jy 'n cooler box saam vat kerk toe nie.
4. As jy die bed moet stofsuig is dit tyd om ander lakens op te sit.
5. Selfs al is jy seker jy is ingesluit in die testament, moenie jou Venter
saam sleep na 'n begrafnis toe nie.
UITEET
1. As jy wyn skink, tilt die paper cup sodat jy nie die "vrug" van die wyn
bederf nie.
2. As jy uit die bottel uit drink, hou hom so vas sodat jou vingers die
label toehou.
ONTHAAL IN JOU HUIS
1. Moenie jou geliefde opgestopte hamster / kat / hond / aap op die
koffietafel sit nie.
2. Moenie dat jou hond van die tafel af eet nie (al is sy maniere beter as
jou gaste s'n).
PERSOONLIKE GESONDHEID
1. Terwyl ore gereeld moet skoongemaak word, is dit 'n job wat verkieslik
met jou eie bakkiesleutels gedoen moet word.
2. As jy toiletware reg gebruik kan jy 'n paar dae gaan sonder 'n wassie.
3. Grond en olie onder jou vinger naels is 'n social nee, want dit gee daai
finger snacks 'n snaakse smaak en cherries laaik dit nie so kwaai nie.
VERHOUDINGS (buite die familie)
1. Bied altyd aan om die aas aan jou goose se hoek te sit, veral met die
eerste date.
2. Wees aggressief. Laat weet haar jy wag al twee jaar om met haar uit te
gaan nadat jy daai goed gelees het teen die toilet muur daar by die jol
plek.
3. Maak seker jy vind uit by haar ma-hulle wanneer sy by die huis moet
wees. Party sal sê 10-uur, ander "Maandag". As die antwoord Maandag is, is
dit jou job om te sorg dat sy betyds by die skool is.
FLIEK
1. Huilende babas moet verkieslik na die voorportaal gevat word en
onmiddelik na die show gehaal word.
2. Moenie met die mense op die screen probeer praat nie. Jarelange
wetenskaplike navorsing het bewys dat hulle jou nie kan hoor nie.
TROUES
1. Kleinvee is nie so 'n hot trougeskenk nie.
2. As jy die bruid langer as 5 sekondes soen, kan jy miskien geskiet word.
3. Vir die bruidegom: Huur 'n tux; 'n corduroy broek en T-shirt met 'n
cummerbund werk nie so lekker nie. Stofepipes is ook uit.
4. Al is dit moelik, sê maar ja vir sokkies en skoene (al is dit dan net
vir die kerk).
BESTUUR
1. Dim jou ligte as 'n kar van voor af kom, al is jou gun gelaai.
2. As jy by 'n 4-way stop kom, ry die ou met die grootste wiele eerste,
daarna die ou wie se exhaust die hardste raas.
3. Moet nooit 'n ander blaar se kar tou met pantyhose en duct tape nie.
4. As jy jou vrou/goose met 'n kannetjie stuur om te gaan petrol haal, is
dit swak maniere om haar te vra om bier ook terug te bring.
5. Moenie spin as jy in 'n begrafnisstoet ry nie.
ViperGTI
New member
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the
privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It’s an armoured booth
you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive
device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this
crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and
expensive trials.
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly
thereafter, an announcement: â€Attention to stand-by passengers: El Al is
proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!â€
privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It’s an armoured booth
you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive
device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this
crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and
expensive trials.
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly
thereafter, an announcement: â€Attention to stand-by passengers: El Al is
proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!â€
JP'S
New member
Bwahahahaha!!
JP'S
New member
ViperGTI
New member
My wife had been feeling frisky all night.
The lights were lowered and the gentle, seductive sound of a saxophone
played through the air. She slowly moved her hand up my thigh.
In a whispered tone she said, "I'm so horny, I want you right now."
Our hearts beat faster and soon we were in a moment of hot passion.
The sax solo rang out... till suddenly it hit a bum note.
"You've ruined my musical recital," screamed our daughter, as she stormed
off the school stage.
The rest of the audience sat in a stunned silence...
The lights were lowered and the gentle, seductive sound of a saxophone
played through the air. She slowly moved her hand up my thigh.
In a whispered tone she said, "I'm so horny, I want you right now."
Our hearts beat faster and soon we were in a moment of hot passion.
The sax solo rang out... till suddenly it hit a bum note.
"You've ruined my musical recital," screamed our daughter, as she stormed
off the school stage.
The rest of the audience sat in a stunned silence...