the JOKE thread
- Thread starter wizdumb
- Start date
McGuywer
New member
This list comes from Independent Sources:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
wizdumb
New member
Recession Updates
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate
3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money
5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America ’s third biggest lender.
7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
10. Quote from a Wall Street banker:
This is worse than divorce. I’ve lost half of my assets and I still have my wife…!!!!
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate
3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money
5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America ’s third biggest lender.
7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
10. Quote from a Wall Street banker:
This is worse than divorce. I’ve lost half of my assets and I still have my wife…!!!!
Melek
New member
A guy in a ski-mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the
******* safe!", he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "We don't have any money.
This is a sperm bank".
"Don't argue, open the ******* safe or I'll blow your head off". She obliges and once she's opened the safe door, the guy says " Take out one of the bottles and drink it".
"But its full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
" Don't argue. Just drink it!" he says.
She pulls the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take another bottle and drink it too", he demands. She takes out another one and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski-mask and to the girls amazement it's
her boyfriend.
"Not that ******* difficult is it?"
******* safe!", he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "We don't have any money.
This is a sperm bank".
"Don't argue, open the ******* safe or I'll blow your head off". She obliges and once she's opened the safe door, the guy says " Take out one of the bottles and drink it".
"But its full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
" Don't argue. Just drink it!" he says.
She pulls the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take another bottle and drink it too", he demands. She takes out another one and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski-mask and to the girls amazement it's
her boyfriend.
"Not that ******* difficult is it?"
Strategist01
New member
everybody collapsed laughing when I told them that joke...well, maybe not collapsed, but they were laughing pretty hard...
Melek
New member
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the
devil ....
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On
Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila,
Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink 'til
we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're
dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Sat an: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get
the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our
lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're
already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow ... that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble..'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you
want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots,
whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're
dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a
doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want. You're dead so who
cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ..
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the
devil ....
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On
Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila,
Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink 'til
we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're
dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Sat an: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get
the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our
lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're
already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow ... that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble..'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you
want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots,
whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're
dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a
doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want. You're dead so who
cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ..
iOverflow
New member
lol at ^(above)
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then says to the bar tender, "I'll bet you one-hundred bucks that I can pee in this cup from straight across the room." The bar tender says, "You're on." The guy then buys two more drinks, and puts his money on the table. The guy then goes across the room and pees all over the place not once getting it in the cup. The bar tender takes the money and smiles. The guy smiles back at him. The bar tender asks, "Why are you smiling? You just lost one-hundred bucks." The guy then says, "I bet everyone else in the bar one-thousand dollars that I could pee all over the place and make you smile!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then says to the bar tender, "I'll bet you one-hundred bucks that I can pee in this cup from straight across the room." The bar tender says, "You're on." The guy then buys two more drinks, and puts his money on the table. The guy then goes across the room and pees all over the place not once getting it in the cup. The bar tender takes the money and smiles. The guy smiles back at him. The bar tender asks, "Why are you smiling? You just lost one-hundred bucks." The guy then says, "I bet everyone else in the bar one-thousand dollars that I could pee all over the place and make you smile!"
phoenix
New member
I'm not sure if this is the right place for this.....
Seen on a Desktop Calender:
I was born to work here. I must have done something wrong in a previous
life.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't people happy?
Work is like taking a sledge across the Arctic. Only the lead dog has a
pleasant view.
Instant Human Being:Just add coffee-don't stir.
Keep fit at the office:Fly off the handle, jump to conclusions, stab
colleagues in the back, climb the walls, run down the company, dodge
responsibility and push your luck.
I don't look busy because I did it right the first time.
We believe in give and take here. I give my time and effort, they take
my freedom and dignity.
Who says that nothing is impossible? There are people here who do it
every day.
If at first you don't succeed, delegate the job to someone else.
When the going gets tough, the manager is nowhere to be seen.
I'm here to help. What's your excuse?
I believe in Customer Service, the Tooth Fairy and Father Christmas.
A problem shared is a problem multiplied
If you're not part of the solution, you're probably a manager.
I love targets. Especially when they are painted on a manager's back.
Anything is possible if you don't understand the problem.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blaim yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never do today that which will become someone else's responsinility
tomorrow.
Aim low, reach your goals and avoid disappointment.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
Change is inevitable. Except from vending machines.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off owing to budget
cuts.
Rome did not create an empire by having meetings. They did it by killing
all those who opposed them.
I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.
Do I look like a people person?
Never argue with idiots.They drag you down to their level, then beat you
with experience.
Seen on a Desktop Calender:
I was born to work here. I must have done something wrong in a previous
life.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't people happy?
Work is like taking a sledge across the Arctic. Only the lead dog has a
pleasant view.
Instant Human Being:Just add coffee-don't stir.
Keep fit at the office:Fly off the handle, jump to conclusions, stab
colleagues in the back, climb the walls, run down the company, dodge
responsibility and push your luck.
I don't look busy because I did it right the first time.
We believe in give and take here. I give my time and effort, they take
my freedom and dignity.
Who says that nothing is impossible? There are people here who do it
every day.
If at first you don't succeed, delegate the job to someone else.
When the going gets tough, the manager is nowhere to be seen.
I'm here to help. What's your excuse?
I believe in Customer Service, the Tooth Fairy and Father Christmas.
A problem shared is a problem multiplied
If you're not part of the solution, you're probably a manager.
I love targets. Especially when they are painted on a manager's back.
Anything is possible if you don't understand the problem.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blaim yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never do today that which will become someone else's responsinility
tomorrow.
Aim low, reach your goals and avoid disappointment.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
Change is inevitable. Except from vending machines.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off owing to budget
cuts.
Rome did not create an empire by having meetings. They did it by killing
all those who opposed them.
I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.
Do I look like a people person?
Never argue with idiots.They drag you down to their level, then beat you
with experience.
Gradius
New member
The Jewish Samurai - Not for the easily offended 
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
