Thread Killer - Gaming Edition (PG13)

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you wanna hear my joke.

One upon a time there was a Fast citi Golf.


LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!


Now that's comedy
 
Some mildly entertaining metaphors

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.
Click to expand...
 
Maplassie said:
you wanna hear my joke.

One upon a time there was a Fast citi Golf.


LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!


Now that's comedy
Click to expand...

LOL
Come to think of it, a girl I know drives a 1800 Golf t3/t4 turbo on it.
That little golf is quick bud!!
Her name is sam and she is 1 fine girl!!
 
SharkBait said:
What do you give your ants? It seams mine doesn't like rump stake. :D
Click to expand...

Lol! Mine are some bad-ass ants, got their nest drilled in reinforced concrete. I've seen them take down a gecko before!
At first, I fed them some bread crumbs, untill I noticed that they just chopped them up in small pieces and cart them off, away from the nest.

I tried chees, but on a hot day the cheese just becomes a deathtrap for them :o

Now I stick to ham and meat - they hate Hot English Mustard, it makes them wildly delusional like they're hallucinogenic drugs.
They are'nt to fussy about gross stuff either, but I will not go there :)
 
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my 42nd birthday this year, my friend Hayley offered me a week of personal training at the Clifton gym. Although I am still in great shape since playing for my varsity rugby team 18yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Heidi, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Hayley seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Heidi waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with short hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed to find my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Heidi was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Heidi made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Heidi’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a moped in the school parking lot. Heidi was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other gym members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Heidi put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Heidi told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh.t too.

THURSDAY:

Heidi was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Heidi took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the toilets. She sent Brendan to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that b.tch Heidi more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheer leading b.itch . If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Heidi wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if she didn't want dents in the floor, she shouldn't have handed me the effing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Heidi left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, Hayley will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a vasectomy!!
 
Dixie said:
Lol! Mine are some bad-ass ants, got their nest drilled in reinforced concrete. I've seen them take down a gecko before!
At first, I fed them some bread crumbs, untill I noticed that they just chopped them up in small pieces and cart them off, away from the nest.

I tried chees, but on a hot day the cheese just becomes a deathtrap for them :o

Now I stick to ham and meat - they hate Hot English Mustard, it makes them wildly delusional like they're hallucinogenic drugs.
They are'nt to fussy about gross stuff either, but I will not go there :)
Click to expand...

LooooL, I'm so gald you joined our TK, you bring a sertain funnyness to this thread. :D
 
The Joker said:
LOL
Come to think of it, a girl I know drives a 1800 Golf t3/t4 turbo on it.
That little golf is quick bud!!
Her name is sam and she is 1 fine girl!!
Click to expand...

I love girls with turbo/modded cars. they are usually toight.

There is this one girl at one of our tuners, also a stunner, really you can't help staring, she's cute/gorgeus, one of those. Small little girl and she drives a 300KW Superboss :eek:
 
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